Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Betty

Mom to Isabella Liahanna Miller

May 24th, 2008

Fayeteville, West Virginia

May 24th 2008

It is Dakota's (my niece) birthday and we have a small party for her at our house, we have a few presents and a fewer less people but my sister was taking her cake that I made to a friends house to have it there....my uncle David was here because it was a Saturday, you mostly only see my Uncle David on Saturdays'..

I felt fine, and was happy that Kota was happy and I enjoyed her opening her presents and seeing the kids running the yard I kept feeling Bella kicking and rolling and I knew that I was alright.
 

Well my sisters left and took the kids to go and share the cake that I made and David was still here for a while and he too left later and went home and then it was me Chey and mom and Bella was still kicking and rollin'...

Well at about 3:45 or so I started to feel like I had to pee a lot, I kept running back and forth to the bathroom and at 4 Mike would be home and I figured then I would take care of everything when he got here...
Well Mike got here and I told him that I had a few pains nothing too bad and I just felt like I was going to the bathroom way to much and I kept running back and forth and then it happened, I had this really bad cramp and then there was the blood so I told Mom and Mike to call 911, before I knew it Bella's head was out and I was having the baby here at the house....

Well the paramedics showed up and Rollie told me that he was gonna move me to the floor and I told him no that the baby's head was out and he looked and said no problem we will deliver here on the couch...well that was good because I wasn't moving...
 

Well Bella was here in one push but Mike said she was blue and thought that was OK because I remember Cheyenne being blue for a second or so and then she turned to a pinkish color so I thought that was normal.....until it happened I didn't hear crying or anything and I seen another paramedic grab her and run out the door and I heard the sirens and Rollie tried to assured me that they were just taking the baby to PMC and they were doing everything that they could because he wasn't really sure about what was going on himself I later found out....
 

Well I was at the house for about 15 minutes and then they said they were gonna take me to PMC well with Mom and the Buick Mike and Cheyenne met me there.  On the way there I asked do you think everything is OK and Rollie told me he didn't think that things were OK and he wanted to prepare me for that which I was not ready for.....
 

OK so I have it in my head that there may be something wrong but nothing to serious because we in the other ambulance had no clue....  So I show up at PMC with the paramedics and we are met at the door by this nurse ( who I will not disclaim her name but lets say she is not on my list of people whom I would care about...EVER!! ) and she is all smiling and telling me that everything is alright and that the Dr. would be in a few minutes and that he will tell me everything going on...so I notice that I roll past my child and in my mind I think why am I going one way and she is in another room and why are the other nurses and people looking at me all sad and I want to know just what the hell is going ON?
 

So then it happened.  Rollie and the other paramedic come in an he gives me a hug, what? Why are people that I barely know hugging me....whats going on.  So then here comes the blow...I'm sorry but your child is dead....what? What do you mean? Why? What happened and why was that nurse smiling and grinning at me like she was OK....What?
 

So this other nurse comes in and she asks me and Mike do you want to hold her and she said she would take a picture if we wanted...
 

I had my mom call David and tell him what is going on an can he help me...but what do you do?
The nurse called Dodd Payne and since I knew Brad and Dorlena personally, Brad came and picked Bella up PMC told me that we had as much time as we needed with her and they closed the door and let us hold her and everything...they sent me to Raleigh General to see the labor and delivery people on call and they gave us this box that had some books and things in it and we had our pictures and they gave us a sympathy card and we waited for my midwife assistant to get there and we talked for a while and then we went home....
 

When we got home the first thing we did was take down anything that had baby on it....the crib/bassinet, clothes, diapers, the boppy, anything baby...we just wanted rid of it ALL of it....most of it I took back the next day and what was left I gave to my sister who was expecting her first....
 

Well on Memorial Day me and Mike Chey mom and grandma all met at Dodd Payne, the first thing Dorlena said was that she usually looks at all the little ones that come in but she just couldn't bring herself to look at this one so all the things that were done for Bella like the bed and making her look like a doll, was all done by Dorlena through Brad, she had the bed and brought it there for her and my mom had made Bella her blanket and while my mom and grandma and my sister took their turns with Bella me and Mike had to make our decisions in the office with Dorlean....it was do you want to bury or cremate and what do you want to have with her when they cremate and what kind of urn do you want for the cremation?? So many questions for the most inevitable time of our lives we always thought that it would be our kids having to make those decisions for us and not for them....
 

So we chose to cremate Isabella instead of burial because when we looked at the caskets they all to me in my mind looked like little shoe boxes and in my mind I couldn't see having my child in a shoe box in the ground.....so they let us stay with her for as long as we wanted and me and Mike held her for a while and we let Cheyenne hold her...the only thing we were told was not to "tip" her up at any angle since we didn't have an autopsy or anything she was still intact....
 

We stayed for a while and held her and then we left and went home....we had made plans before everything that weekend to go to a cookout at our neighbors and since they knew us and what went on we still went and I remember talking to Cherie that day and she said we wouldn't talk about it unless we wanted to she said she would give me a hug and that was it unless I wanted more....
 

So the next day Brad called me and he said we had a problem, the dr. at PMC had filled out the wrong death certificate and yes there is a difference there is one for children and one for adults and if you don't have the right one it can take days and headaches to get it fixed...well I had to call PMC and get a hold of the Dr. that was there only to find out that he wasn't a regular at PMC and I had to call Charleston to find him and he had to fill out a infant death certificate and FAST!! I wanted my child home NOW not 2 or 3 weeks later.....
 

Well it took a day or so and we finally had the go ahead for everything and they did the cremation and I remember they called and told me Isabella was there I flew to Dodd Payne to pick her up...my mom drove and I went in an picked her up....they give you a bag that holds your loved in and they gave me this tiny little silver urn that we picked out and I called Mike at work an told him that she was home....
 

I keep her on the mantle next to my dad's urn so I can see her everyday and I remember her all the time every time I hear the name Bella I just look around to see what they look like....
 

This Saturday I had the pleasure of being asked to a meeting for others who have had this happen to them and so we went and shared our story and listened to other stories and I met new friends.....I know that it will be hard for us but we are trying to make it through....
 

If anyone wants to share or ask questions feel free to I will answer 

You can contact Betty at cheyennesmom102405@yahoo.com