Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Melissa

Mom to Jacob Sean Toole

March 30th, 2010

St. John, New Brunswick, Canada

It was the best day of my life, After I took 4 pregnancy test I new I was pregnant… I started to cry I was excited but nervous at the same time…My Boyfriend and I where so happy that we where going to be a mommy and a daddy….

When I was 12 weeks I was having a lot of pain so I went to the ER… I had an ultrasound to see what was going on.. The doctor said everything looks good and then told me that I was having twins.. That was the Best news ever, I always wanted to have twins but didn’t think it would have happen to me… I said to my self that life can’t get any better then this, I have the love of my life and two Beautiful babies on the way…

 At 18 weeks I was going for an ultrasound, couldn't wait to find out what we where having… The doctor told us we where having BOYS…. After the doctor telling us that we where having boys , I laid there for 15 minutes with out the doctor saying a thing, My Boyfriend asked the doctor if everything is ok, The doctor look at us and said I’m sorry but no it’s not… Twin B has hydrocephalus, I said what does that mean he Explain to us that it’s water on the brain.. I said can that be fix and then he said sometimes yes but in this case no, Your son does not have a brain, I asked him what about my other baby is he ok He said we will send you to the IWK to have test done …

I had to wait 2 weeks for the test to come back, I cried for weeks… I got my phone call and the doctor said that twinA is going to be just find, I was happy that one of my baby was going to be ok but still I was heartbroken that Jacob didn’t have a chance to live…

At 30 weeks I had to go back to the IWK, it was the week of my birthday it was the worse birthday of my life… I had to terminate one of my babies, I had so much going thru my mind … Will my baby feel pain? Will he ever forgive me? Will I ever be ok with this decision? Will i ever forgive myself? will god understand?
 
it’s the hardest thing that a mother would ever have to do…. I had to carry Jacob until I gave birth to my miracle baby …   

March 30/2010, I was 35 weeks, I went in to labour… I had mixed emotions going through me, I was happy and heartbroken…. Happy to meet my miracle baby and heartbroken to say goodbye to my angel … I didn’t want to let him go I want to hold him forever when the doctor took my angel from me my heart shattered into pieces… Saying goodbye to my angel baby, was the hardest thing I ever had to do…

Its been 6 months and every night when everyone is a sleep I cry myself to sleep wishing my little angel was here with me.. I often wonder if this pain would ever go away, would it ever get better I just don’t think it will ….

Baby Jacob, you will be in our hearts forever, I love and miss you so much…xoxo

You can contact Melissa at hockeygirl11_1@msn.com