Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Marybeth

Mom to Joshua Dylan

February 23rd, 2007

Drexel Hill, Pennsylvania

I had a perfect pregnancy. My ob called it a textbook pregnancy. No problems what so ever. I had decided to have a planned c-section which was to take place @ 39 weeks 4 days. I had an appointment for my pre-admission testing @ exactly 39 weeks and then I was to see my ob immediately after. 

 

I hadn't felt Joshua move that morning as I was getting ready but thought nothing of it. I just figured he was sleeping. I had my pre-admission testing and walked down the hall to see my ob. I told her I hadn't felt him move yet and she whipped out her doppler to check for a heartbeat. She tried with 2 different dopplers. I could tell by the expression on her face that she was worried. She sent me up to labor and delivery for an ultrasound. She and another Ob came in to check for the heartbeat. I could already see with my own eyes that nothing was moving and confusion and panic washed over me. That's when I heard the most horrifying words,"I'm so sorry,there is no heartbeat. Your son has passed on."  I was shocked. 

 

They wanted me to stay and deliver right then but I couldn't. I had to get out of there, get my head together (like that was going to happen!). I went home and told my mom what was happening and called my husband to get him home. I packed a bag and headed back to the hospital.  

 

My ob didn't want to do a c-section because she didn't think it was fair to make me heal from that with no baby to go home with so I was induced.  I laid in that bed for what seemed like forever just waiting for my son to be born. The whole time I kept thinking that the doctors were wrong and that my Joshua would come out living and breathing.  The time came to push and after all of 3 or 4 pushes, there was my beautiful, perfect, silent son.  So very silent that I decided at that moment that whoever coined the term"Silence is Golden" must have been nothing but a fool!  Oh how my husband and I cried. 

 

We took some time to love our Joshua, to hold him, kiss him, take pictures of him and to already miss him. I had to stay the night on the maternity floor. It was hell having to hear babies cry and joyful people in every room around me. I thought I might go insane and leaving just wasn't happening fast enough. When I finally did get discharged I left with a memory box instead of my baby. I hated that box but I cherished it too.  Being almost 4 years out from my loss I no longer hate it but I know for a fact I will always treasure it.  

 

The loss of my son Joshua has been the hardest experience of my life.  He will go on being loved and missed by myself, my husband and his brothers and also his little sister.

 

You can visit Joshua's memorial site at 

http://joshua-dylan-odonnell.memory-of.com/About.aspx 

Marybeth can be contacted at joshuaismyangel@yahoo.com