Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Mom to Zaynah Nevaeh
Miscarried August 2009
San Antonio, Texas

My angel was a very welcome surprise.  I remember the day that I took the first pregnancy test, and the second and the third.  I can still remember the first time I heard her heartbeat and saw her on the ultrasound screen.  I remember the horrible morning sickness and aching breasts.  At 6 weeks my doctor told me that the baby was doing great and had a strong heartbeat.  My boyfriend Johnny and I cried and wished for a little girl.  I was so excited for my next appointment. 
When I went to my 9 week appointment I arrived full of hope.  When I left I was in a pit of grief so deep I thought I would never make it out alive.  I knew something was wrong within two minutes of the doctor starting the ultrasound.  I watched as he tried to find a heartbeat and I heard nothing but silence.  Tears ran down my face before the doctor even spoke.  "I am sorry, " he said, "but your baby appears to have no heartbeat."  He asked me questions about my pregnancy symptoms.  I told him that I had been feeling wonderful, my morning sickness and sore breasts had disappeared.  The doctor told me that those were not reassuring signs.  I then felt guilty for feeling so wonderful while my baby died inside of me. 
I remember Johnny holding me up as we walked out in to the waiting room and out of the office.  I remember the looks that the other patients gave me as I cried again and again, "I want my baby back, I want my baby back, I want my baby back."  I kept holding out hope that the doctor was wrong and I made an apoointment for an in depth ultrasound.  I remember crying for days until that appointment.  During the in depth ultrasound the technician would not speak to me.  I kept asking her if there was a heartbeat and she would not answer me.  She told me I would have to wait for answers until the doctor went over the ultrasound which took three agonizing days.  The doctor told me that the second ultrasound confirmed his original finding.  I had suffered a missed miscarriage. 
I remember my despair as I waited for days for my body to expel my baby.  It would not.  I feel my body was trying to hold on, just as I was.  My doctor scheduled a D&C for August 07, 2009.  I carried my baby for almost two weeks after she passed.  There are no words to describe the way that it made me feel to know that I was still carrying my deceased baby.  I remember picking up the prescription that the doctor had written for me.  It was for only one pill which he asked me to take a few hours before I arrived for my D&C.  When I arrived at the hospital I felt as if I needed to use the bathroom.  As soon as I took down my pants I started to miscarry.  They took me to my bed and I remember the excruciating pain of the cramps as the nurse asked me question after question.
My grief was so great that I could not eat, sleep, I ignored all phone calls and would speak to no one.  Not even my dear boyfriend who was in as much pain as I was.  I remember going to work two days after the surgery and being asked by coworkers who had no idea what had happened how the baby was doing.  I burst in to tears and ran to the bathroom.  I was doing my best to keep moving and tried to keep myself busy.  I cried myself to sleep every night.  At my next appointment my doctor told me that the baby had been a girl, just as we had hoped.  There was nothing wrong with her.  The cause of the miscarriage was unknown. 
I was devastated and angry.  Why had this happened?  Why had my baby been taken from me?  What had I done to deserve this?  Everyone kept telling me that it was all part of God's plan for me.  Each time I heard those words I got angrier but I stewed in silence.  Friends quit visiting, quit calling, quit speaking to me to altogether.  No one knew what to say, so they said nothing at all, even Johnny.  I was alone in my grief.  Then came a light at the end of the tunnel.
Four months after my miscarriage I became pregnant again.  I was excited and terrified at the same time.  I walked on egg shells.  I prepared myself for the worst even as I started experiencing cramping and bleeding.  Miraculously my baby held on.  I did not enjoy the majority of my pregnancy as I was too afraid to get attached.  I was as careful as I could be, I lived in fear of another miscarriage.  At 32 weeks I was hospitalized due to Pre-Eclampsia and was kept until I delivered at 37 weeks 1 day.  I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl Aug. 12, 2010, one year and five days after I had my D&C.  We named her Amaya Nevaeh (In rememberance of Zaynah) Hope (What she gave us.) 
Not a day goes by that I do not think about my angel.  Would she have looked like Amaya?  It makes me feel guilty.  If Zaynah had lived Amaya would not be here today.  I do believe however that Amaya is what made all the difference in my overcoming my grief.  My grief will remain with me always.  So will my hope.


Post a Comment

Related Posts with Thumbnails