Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Mandy

Mom to Hayden & Garrett

May 21st, 2009

Alcova, Wyoming

After a year of emotional ups and downs, negative pregnancy tests, and fertility tests our struggle was over. Or so we thought. I woke up the morning of February 10th to a teeny bit of spotting. Suspecting my period was once again on it's way I called my dr's office to start yet another cycle of trying only to be told it could be implantation spotting and to take a test. After a lot of encouragement from my husband I finally took the test. I was so excited when I stepped out of the shower and saw two very dark lines. My husband was overjoyed when he heard me yelling for him and I announced it was positive. I called for our first appointment as soon as the dr office opened the next morning. The next 18 1/2 weeks were incredible even though I had morning sickness bad on account of having to get progesterone shots every week for the first 12 weeks. I enjoyed getting bigger and planning for this sweet miracle.

 

Then that all changed the morning of May 20, 2009 one day before our ultrasound when I woke up to a little bit of bleeding. I told myself not to panic that it felt like a bladder infection and I knew in pregnancy a bladder infection could cause bleeding. I called the dr who agreed thats what it sounded like. I could feel the baby moving so I never thought anything otherwise. I went and picked up a prescription and was told to call in if anything got worse.

 

By 4 o'clock that afternoon I still had some bleeding and thought I felt some tightening but again told myself not to panic that the baby was moving and that it would take awhile for the pills to clear the infection.

 

At 11 o'clock I started having contractions on a regular basis and asked my husband to take me to the hospital. We live an hour from the hospital and by the time we got there I was having strong contractions and was in a lot of pain. I could still feel the baby moving though and kept insisting they do something to stop the contractions. The nurses got me changed into a gown and on a bed and wheeled me down the hall to get an ultrasound. The ultrasound tech forgot to shut off the sound on the machine and we heard the baby's heartbeat. She wouldn't tell us anything about the baby though.

 

After we got back to my room a dr came in and told us that I was pregnant with twins and that one had died. We never knew. Our dr had always picked up the first heartbeat so quick we never thought to look for another and there are no twins on either side of our families and we didn't use fertility drugs. Our joy at knowing was immediately followed by grief knowing our Hayden was gone.

 

I was then moved upstairs to the maternity ward where a dr came in to check me and see what could be done to save the other baby. Garrett was still very much alive and moving continually during all this. I kept telling anyone who would listen that they needed to do something. The closest hospital to help with babies that small was in Denver a 45 minute helicopter ride away. The Denver hospital told us they would take us but only if the first baby hadn't made it to the birth canal yet. My dr checked me right there while still on the phone and Hayden's head was already coming down. It was over there was nothing they could do to save our Garrett. Our babies would be born  May 21, 2009 18 weeks too soon. I was instructed to push which I did for an hour before Hayden came out. I got to hold him for a few minutes. He was 5 ounces and 8 inches long and perfectly formed. I counted his 10 little fingers and toes and grieved that I would never see him open his eyes and know me. During all this I could still feel Garrett moving within me and in just a few minutes my contractions started again. I hated my body for giving me the urge to push when I knew in the process Garrett would die.  It took an hour of pushing with him also and he came out 5 1/2 ounces and 8 inches long. Perfectly formed and I again grieved that he would never open his eyes. I stared at him trying to memorize everything I could. I would never hear my babies cry, or laugh and I would not see them grow up. I would not be holding them or feeding them. They were already in heaven. I found out 6 weeks later that I have contracted a virus which had passed through the placenta to Hayden.

 

My heart shattered the day they left. I was forever changed. I was now a woman who lost her babies. That was a year and a half ago and while the pain has lessened some it's still there. My heart has mended but will never completely heal. I will forever carry with me my two precious angels.