Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Mom to Baby November, Miscarried November 24th, 2007
and Baby August, Miscarried August 25th, 2010
Kamloops, British Columbia, Canada

I personally have lost 2 angels to miscarriage. My first was November 24, 2007 at 4 weeks, and the second on August 25, 2010 at 10 weeks 3 days. My first miscarriage was devastating, as my husband and I had been trying for awhile to get pregnant. We had actually been told that we had little chance to conceive. Then finally, 2 little blue lines showed up!! I was overjoyed - I couldn't wait to be a Mommy :)

I started planning everything in my head about where we were going to put the nursery, bottles, diapers - everything baby. Would it be a boy or a girl?? I was over the moon :) Hours later, my dreams came crashing down, as I started to miscarry. My baby dreams were destroyed, and in came a broken heart.

In the beginning of February 2008, while on vacation in Paris, I found out that I was pregnant again :) I was elated, to say the least. I just hoped this baby would be able to make the journey. One week later, our happiness turned to tragedy when my niece was born sleeping - she passed away on Feb. 13, 2008; her due date. I have never felt such guilt about being pregnant – I actually had days where I was so angry at my little baby for being alive, and my niece being gone. I feel such regret for having these thoughts, but seeing that little pink casket is something that you can never brace yourself for...I just couldn’t understand why I was there with a baby growing in my belly, when my brother, sister-in-law and nephew were suffering so badly... It kills me that to this day, when someone announces they are pregnant, that my nephew will say “tell them that sometimes babies don’t get to come home”...

After my son was born in October 2008, I developed rheumatoid arthritis, an autoimmune disorder where the body attacks the joints and organs of the body. I was started on immuno-suppressant medication which greatly helped the pain. In Feb. 2010, we decided to try for another baby. I stopped taking my medication, even though it was deemed safe. I loved this future baby already, and wanted to protect it in any way possible. If it meant that I was in severe pain; that was fine – as long as this baby was going to be safe. In July, I found out that I was pregnant again. I was so excited!! My little boy was going to have a sibling!! The pregnancy went along with the typical nausea and exhaustion. Then, on August 25, 2010 at 10w3d gestation, I started spotting. We went into ER at 0300, toddler and all, and were diagnosed with a threatened abortion. We were discharged home with an ultrasound booked for the next day. I cried the whole day. At 5pm, I started to bleed profusely, and rushed to the ER. I was given an ultrasound which showed that there was no gestational sac; my baby was gone. I was given Misoprostol to ensure that everything was out of my uterus, and sent to the ward, where I promptly passed out on the floor from all the blood loss. I have never passed out before; this was the scariest thing I've ever went through...I thought I was going to never see my son and husband again. I remember saying in my head “please don’t let me die!”

I was able to go home the next day, and have spent the past 7 weeks trying to physically and emotionally heal. I have good days, and I have bad days. I’m trying to look towards the future, which can sometimes be difficult. I wanted the lives of my babies to mean something, so I’m trying to help others as well, by starting a support group in our area. I just don’t want anyone else to feel as alone as I felt, even with the support of my husband, family and friends.

To my angel babies: I will hold you in my heart forever, until I can hold you in my arms for eternity.

You can contact Julie at


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