Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Ashley

"Angel" lost April 18th, 2006

and "Sweet Pea" lost June 6th, 2008

Mesa, Arizona

After dating for 3 years, my husband popped the question to me. I was ecstatic.  The date was set about 16 months later, on Sept. 29th, 2006.  I immediately started planning everything, like you're supposed to do. Father dearest was a bit tight with his checkbook though, and we didn't start looking at anything wedding-related (at least with him and mother involved) until March 2006. I started to stress out around mid March, because all of the big-ticket venues and locations I had thought about, were booked solid. Of course... who tries to reserve a wedding venue a mere 6 months before the wedding?? I missed my period at the end of March, and just chalked it up to the stress all the wedding planning was putting me through.  I was VERY hormonal, and one friend told me I was acting like a pregnant b!tch.  Wow .. such a nice friend .. NOT!!  I mentioned it to my fiance, and he said I wasn't, I didn't look pregnant at all, and I was just a tad touchy because the wedding planning wasn't going my way.  

 

I went to work, and a coworker brought a pregnancy test for me to take, unbeknownst to me. I felt soo embarrassed, as we were in the restroom, at work, taking a pregnancy test. It all seemed so junior high-ish. I did my thing, and thrust the test under the door to her. "I Don't want to see what it says .. We'll find out at lunch!"  And off we went to our cubicles, giggling like the little school girls we turned into.  about an hour later, she shot up from her desk and comes running over to mine, and starts dancing uncontrollably right outside my cubicle, while I'm on a call with a student. I wrapped up the call, and she thrust the test in my face. "CONGRATS MOMMY!!!!"   "Whaaat???"  I grabbed the stick I had peed on just an hour before, and low and behold, two SOLID pink lines. There was no mistaking it. I was pregnant.  What am I supposed to do?? I'm getting married in 6 months?? I can't get married with a swollen abdomen!!! I'm starving myself so I can fit into a SMALLER dress, not a BIGGER one!!! The rest of the work day was a blur.  I went home, and tried to figure out how to break the news to my fiance.  Were we even ready to have a baby?? I'm almost 21 ... I can't have that huge drinking party I was soo looking forward to, since I'm now "with child." 

 

I came home, picked the fiance up, and we just drove around town. After three hours, and circling the Valley at least twice, he made me pull over. He feared I was leaving him. I started to cry, and just handed him the test-filled envelope.  He opened it, and was just speechless.  We sat there, for 45 minutes, before we decided to keep this from my parents as LONG as possible.  We will move the wedding up .. yeah, that can work .. we'll get married in June .. I should still fit into my dress at that point, and I won't look pregnant at all. We wouldn't have to worry about this for long.

 

A couple weeks later, Is started spotting. My coworker reassured me it was normal. the bleeding picked up, to a normal cycle, I took another pregnancy test, and it came out negative. See? I'm NOT pregnant. Good.  I can move on from this fiasco now. My coworker swore I was miscarrying. I wasn't too sure. I didn't have ANY pregnancy symptoms to begin with. After a meeting-gone-bad with our team and temp agency, my coworker blurted out I was miscarrying, we exchanged a murmured conversation with a few choice words with each other, and about 15 minutes later, we were fired for using foul language. I was planning to meet with an OB doctor after work to confirm my pregnancy, but canceled it since the pregnancy test I took came out negative.  Why waste they time?

 

I started babysitting my friend's adorable 2yr old son the next day. We helped each other out .. I needed a job, she needed a sitter.  My bleeding stopped, so I was happy. I wasn't miscarrying .. I was just having my normal cycle .. just a bit heavier. Boy was I wrong.  Second day on the job there, I felt a big GUSH after standing up. I glanced down, and my crotch was bright red. Horrified, I ran to the bathroom. with every step I took, more blood was oozing and gushing out of me. Tampons didn't do a thing .. pads didn't either. I grabbed one of the boy's diapers, and used that until my friend came home. It held up, and I luckily had a change of clothes in the car. This went on for the rest of the week. By Friday, every time I stood up, I had killer dizzy spells. My friend walked in the door, frantic, and as I stood up to help calm her down and figure out what was going on, I passed out.  When I came to, she was horrified and said she was calling the paramedics. I was bleeding EVERYWHERE. I said no, I was going to call Bryan, and have him take me to the ER.  Lo and behold, she was leaving her husband, and was trying to get everything she could of hers and their son, out of the house while he was working. A mutual friend of ours came over and helped her move stuff out while I went home and waited for the fiance to get off work.

 

We went to a new hospital, and explained to the ER registrar my situation. Once getting me into the room, and having an ultrasound done, they said as far as they could tell, I was NOT pregnant. an hour later, bloodwork came back .. I really WAS miscarrying.  They did a pelvic exam, and said I pretty much passed everything on my own, I just have to deal with minor bleeding, and should take it easy over the weekend.  Wow.  The doctor and nurses left us alone.  I just stared in disbelief. I really WAS pregnant.  I just lost a baby. I turned to my fiance. "What do we do now? We just lost a baby." We decided to keep it between ourselves. No need in telling my family about it .. we'd only get lectured on premarital sex and that this was our fault because of the premarital sex.  Don't need that.  

 

I had NO emotion, no connection at all, until after I experienced that loss. I felt SO guilty, for not wanting that baby, that because I didn't want that child, the baby had no "will to survive" and ended up dying.  I went into a bout of depression, despite my fast-approaching wedding day.

 

The wedding came and went, and we settled into married life really fast.  Only three months after we were married, we found out were were unexpectedly expecting!  This time, it was more of a "if it happens, it happens" kind of thing, but we weren't expecting it to actually happen THAT fast!  We were given an EDD of Sept 15th, 2007,  only two weeks before our first wedding anniversary!  I started cramping around 8 weeks, but the OB doctor wasn't concerned. Didn't do anything to reassure me, either. We moved to a bigger city, and got a new doctor. Everything was fine .. found out we were having a little girl!!  Emily Rose was born just one day shy of her EDD, after a rather uneventful pregnancy (besides the cramping early on .. just stretching pains according to my new dr).  The delivery wasn't how I wanted, it was a lot harder than I expected since the epidural wore off, but I was holding a precious 6lb 11.8oz healthy baby girl in my arms.  After a couple weeks, I decided I could "do this again" and my husband and I looked into expanding our family once again.  When Emily was 6 months old, we found out we were expecting again!!  We foolishly spread the news like wildfire. Our EDD was Dec. 30th, 2008.  I was soo happy. I was DETERMINED to have a Christmas baby. Something just wasn't right this time ... I'm not sure why, but I just didn't feel it at all. My 8wk appointment, everything was fine, it was still too early to do the doppler. One week later, I started spotting. I called my OB office. They reassured me everything was fine, the doctor just saw me a week prior. I was put on minor bedrest, to help stop the spotting.  It started to get a little heavier as the week went on, and I finally convinced them on my 22nd birthday, to move my ultrasound up, to the very next day.  Bad decision. I was too worried to celebrate my birthday. May 29th, 2008. 

 

We went into the ultrasound office, stomachs full of butterflies.  The technician started asking me questions about my bleeding, how far along I was, if I could be off by a few weeks, all the while, scouring my uterus for a fetus.  She was  unsuccessful. I never heard the heartbeat, and she said she was going to go compare notes with another person on the medical staff. I saw on the screen, the fetal pole. There was no baby attached, as far as I could see. The second the door closed, I turned to my husband, and told him ... "we lost him. Theres no heartbeat, there's no baby ... we lost him ..."  He didnt believe me. We waited a few minutes, and the tech came back in. She ushered us to a conference room, where a doctor from across the street at the hospital video called us, and told us that we miscarried. He was VERY cold. "There's no way you can be off by a few weeks and you not know it. You miscarried your baby, so now you just need to go to the hospital and have a D&C done to get it over and done with. Any questions?"  I said none at all, and hung up. The tech was very apologetic with me ... I said I was fine, and we left. It was so hard, walking through that waiting room, FULL of pregnant women, knowing I wasn't anymore.  

 

On my way home, my doctor called me. She asked what I wanted to do...I told her I did NOT want the procedure done .. I wanted to pass everything at home, if possible. She agreed that was the best option, and told me everything should start in the next day or so. The baby stopped growing at 6 weeks ... I was 9w5d when I found out. The following Thursday, after a long day of shopping and errands with my 6month old, I started the familiar bleeding.  My depression took another dip as I was now losing my Christmas baby I was so desperate to have. I took a bath  to help aid in the pain from the cramping ... contractions, according to my doctor.  My husband came home, and was in complete disbelief. He called my parents up, and said they will need to watch Emily, as he was taking me to the hospital. I was losing too much blood. I said I was fine, and watched some TV ... 4 hours later, at 10:30p, I stood up to go to the restroom, and I fell flat on my face.  I had lost too much blood. My mom came over, and my husband whisked me away to the hospital. I was bleeding soo much, I didn't have a clear mind anymore, I didnt know what was going on. I had a pelvic exam, and the doctor called my OB, who ordered a D&C at 8:30 the following morning. She performed it, and was very sensitive to my situation, despite my humorous outlook on it.  When it was all said and done, and I was recovering afterwards from the anesthesia, she told me to wait a month before trying again, if I was brave enough. I experienced one loss without fully knowing I was pregnant, and this one, was just too much. No way am I going to try to have another child .. the pain of this was too much.  But, nine weeks and two pink lines later, I was back in her office.  We were expecting again.  Abigail was born two days shy of her EDD after an amazing labor and delivery on April 6th, 2009.

 

I now reside in Mesa, Arizona, with my husband Bryan, and my three daughters, Emily, Abigail, and Charlotte (July 30th, 2010) I did not let the pain and heartache of losing a child hold me back from TTC again. I won't let it hold me back again, when Bryan and I decide the time is right to add to our little family. I have certain milestones I look at hitting anxiously, the 9wk mark, the 11wk mark, 13wk, and 20wk mark. Once I pass those little milestones, and everything looks okay with baby, I can breathe a little easier. I'm not as naive as I was four and a half years ago, thinking this will not happen to me. It did. TWICE. It's only made me stronger, and I tell as many people as I can about it. Miscarriage is not a taboo topic in my books...it can't be talked about enough.

 

You can contact Ashley at ashley.coon@cox.net