Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Samantha

Mum to Aiden George, stillborn on February 23rd, 1998

Premature at 30 weeks on September 5th, 1999

and 5 angels lost to miscarriage

Sydney, NSW, Australia

Having experienced 5 miscarriages, one in my first trimester, at 10 weeks, 12 weeks, 13 weeks & 16 weeks (not in that order) I never thought I would ever be a “real Mum”……

I met my husband in 1991 the day of my 18^th birthday and we have been together ever since.  Having already suffered multiple losses through miscarriage & once again falling pregnant we decided to get married and set a date in January of ‘98. A few weeks later, at 26 weeks I was feeling happy and healthy and wasn’t really concerned about losing this pregnancy having made it through the ‘early miscarriage’ dates of our previous losses. 

That day we were hosting a BBQ for friends that we hadn’t been able to have at our wedding 4 weeks earlier - the happy day soon turned to terror when on a visit to the bathroom I noticed blood, at first just a little, and then a lot. My screams of horror were heard from the backyard and the day’s happiness ended. An ambulance was called and I was rushed to the local hospital. When they realised I was going into premature labour & with no NICU facilities available I was transferred to a larger hospital in the city. There I was told that our baby was coming early but that he was still ok and everything possible would be done to help him once he was born. 

In the early hours of the next morning our first born son Aiden came into the world stillborn, he was 26 weeks gestation. From that moment I felt like my whole world had collapsed and my heart had shattered into little pieces.........I was lucky enough to hold Aiden and say goodbye and will cherish the precious time I had with him.

Aiden would be 12.5 years old now and almost in high school. Our journey is far from over and it has been a long continual road of grief, you never ever get over the loss of a child, you "get over" a cold or a broken leg. Neither my husband nor I will ever forget him or the effect he has had on our lives, but we have learned to live with the pain. I know that nothing in my life will ever erase my memories of what happened the last night of Aiden's short life but sometimes it all seems too unreal. The whole scene is indelibly imprinted on my mind and will remain so for the rest of my life. I have learnt a lot of lessons in life and I believe I have become a stronger more compassionate person through my many losses and my pain.

Aiden showed me I can love more than I knew possible and can forgive people more readily. I learned to appreciate life for the delicate and precious gift that it is. Day by day, month by month & now year by year it becomes easier to smile at the thought of Aiden and of our short but precious time together.  The sound of his name no longer brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it, although there are still times when I am over come and I do cry, sometimes uncontrollably.  I still visit his grave site regularly and have a photograph of him in my wallet and on display with my other family photos.

18 months after my stillbirth our second son Jacob was born prematurely at just 30 weeks, his birth is another story in itself.  He spent 7 long weeks in NICU – a stressful time to say the least! This time with a happy outcome! I truly believe Jacob was our gift from Aiden to help me heal and that he was in a hurry to get out into the world and share his time with us J

Jacob will be 11 years old in a few weeks and he is almost as tall as me already, when he was born he fit in his fathers hand and was 1.7kg!! I never dreamed it would be so hard and such a challenge to have a healthy child and I feel blessed each and every day to have him with us!

I am proud to say I am a mother of two and will tell my stories to anyone who wants to listen in the hope that more people are made aware of how often the tragedy of stillbirth & premature birth occurrs.................. all over the world!

You can contact Samantha at vfr-chick@hotmail.com