Thursday, August 5, 2010

Mom to Josey Starr
Born still on April 6th, 2010

I found out I was pregnant in October 2009.  It was a major shock! I was on the pill. How could I be pregnant? I knew I had to call my OB immediately. I suffer from chronic migraines and was on quite a bit of medication at the time.  He fit me in two days later and it was official.  We were having a baby!  To say we were over the moon is an understatement. 
The first couple months were miserable. In fact, I had to go in for an ultrasound at 5 weeks because of severe cramping.  Little did I know the perinatologist I saw that day would play such a big role in trying to save my baby’s life and mine. 

The cramping was just that – cramping from a growing uterus and baby.  From that point everything was fairly normal.  There was lots of all day morning sickness and a growing belly. A week after my 20 week appointment and ultrasound, I noticed my feet were pretty swollen.  I didn’t think too much about it, but I knew I needed to keep an eye on it the next couple of days due to the fact one of my cousins had suffered from preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome the year before.  Two days of rest and lots of water later, nothing had changed. I took my blood pressure at my parents’ house and it was 170/121. I called my OB and he sent me straight to labor and delivery. 

I spent 26 days in the hospital with preeclampsia.  I’m not sure I was ever fully diagnosed with HELLP because my platelets were just barely above the cut off. I guess you could say I was borderline.  Each day I got sicker and sicker.  My BP never did stabilize and towards the end medication couldn’t even get it down.  My liver enzymes were up, my platelets had dropped, the protein in my urine was creeping up at an alarming rate and I had gained about 60 pounds (50 within a week and a half).  I couldn’t move, sit up, eat, or go to the bathroom by myself…I was essentially incapacitated.   

My dopplers were horrible. My baby girl was weeks behind and nothing was working.  My perinatologists and the NICU doctors prepared us for the worst.  We knew we weren’t coming home with our daughter.  I was induced on Easter when the creatinine, a toxin that feeds on muscle (this according to my peri), had increased in my body. This meant my kidneys weren’t working. After two days of intense labor and two epidurals that didn’t take because of my swelling, Baby Josey was born still just after midnight on April 6, 2010.   

It’s been four months and it hurts every day.  My doctors couldn’t get any of her cells to grow so we have no idea if anything was wrong with her.  My placenta was flushed down the toilet in an accident by a student nurse, so it couldn’t even be tested.  It was eventually found that I was compound heterozygous for the MTHFR gene. Whether or not this contributed to the preeclampsia is unknown, but it definitely contributed to her IUGR.  

We were told in my specific case that I had a 60-70% chance of the same thing happening all over again.  It’s been difficult dealing with not only the loss of our only child, but the possible loss of any future children.   

I’m fairly positive we won’t try again.  We’re currently looking into adoption.  My husband and I have spent the last four months leaning on each other and grieving together.  Thankfully, I can honestly say our relationship is so much stronger. I just wish we didn’t have to suffer such a loss to get there.


Ashley D said...

I love you Kerry!

Greg and Laurel said...

Touching Kerry! You are so strong!

Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

Praying for you and your husband.

Brie said...

Thanks for sharing Kerry. I wish you didn't have to go through all this either.

cmatsukes said...

With what happened I know I would try again I dont think I would be able to handle twice. I hope you can find what you need in the future with an adoption and give all that love you had for Josey to your adopted baby no I take that back it will be your baby. So great you want to adopt there is so many babies out there who could use a stable home, with loving parents I give you both great respect for goind this way. I think you both will be wonderful parents.

cmatsukes said...

I meant not try again oops.

Christine Wright said...

Kerry. My heart goes out to you. The PRE-E is sooo awful. I leaned solely on GOD and prayers to get my Rainbow baby here. Then another m/c. I feel I must try again but I too have decided if it doesn't happen...we may adopt too. No one can ever take our babies from us but I know how hard it is to get through as well. I will be keeping you in my prayers and that GOD bring that precious one into your lives. Just ARE A MOMMY and take it all one breath at a time, not days...because those can be soo long at times. I am sooo glad that you have been able to lean on your husband. It is sooo needed. Bless you honey!

Steph D said...

Kerry, thank you for sharing your story!! My story is very similar. My daughter was born at 26 wks weighing less than a pound after I had an eclamptic seizure and was later diagnosed with HELLP also. I too was told the odds of this recurring were great but I that I may have a "window" of opportunity. Five years later I had a very uneventful pregnancy and had my son. Five years after that, another try and a miscarriage. Dr said that most likely my window had closed and that my chances of carrying to term w/o complication were slim.

I think what I am trying to say is that your decision to try again or not try again is entirely your's and your husband's. Have hope that you will hold your child in your arms whether that child is born of you or adopted. Take care!

Amy Thomas said...

Okay- I'm just surfing around here and found you- what a precious and sweet soul you are! I love your story and though I can't relate, the lump in my throat and tears on my face are for your heartbreaking loss. How courageous you are to share your story! I know the Lord is using your testimony to bring healing to the hearts of other mama's like you! So, there is a song I want you to hear (if you haven't already) it's called Glory Baby, by Watermark. Go to itunes- you'll find it there. It's a beautiful song about a woman (Christian Worship Leader, Christy Nockles) who loses two babies either by miscarriage or still birth. Try to link her song to this sight- it would be such a sweet blessing to you and the community of woman who are painfully mourning their moss. Precoius- you're just precious Sweet sister!

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