Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Rachel
Mommy to Identical Twins
Miscarried March 20th, 2009
Tampa, FL

The story of my pregnancy begins on February 13, 2009.

While sitting at the salon getting my hair done I remember not feeling quite right. Not bad - just not completely normal. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I chalked it up to being tired from being on nightshift & not getting much sleep that day as well as knowing AF should be starting soon.

I wasn't one to be super aware of when I was due to start. Mainly because my (now ex) had told me he had a vasectomy & I had no reason to doubt him. I thought back to my last period and realized it was exactly 4 weeks before. Not 'late' in normal terms but I typically ranged from 26-28 days. I was due to start and I didn't feel like it was coming.

I was meeting a friend for dinner that night and while getting ready my jeans were feeling extra snug. I thought that was odd. While waiting for my friend at the resturant I started to analyze how I had been feeling. Bloated. Overly tired. Had a weird desire for onions. Food wasn't tasting the same. My boobs (normally a full D) were spilling out of my bra! All too weird for me. But there was NO way I could be pregnant, but I called a friend who has 5 kids & has been pregnant 9 times. She would be an expert. While on the phone with her I leaned forward and when my boobs hit the table I thought I was going to cry. Her response, "You're pregnant!" There's no way! How could I be. I've only been with (the ex) and he's fixed.

Well after dinner & before going out dancing, my friend and I went to Wal-Mart to buy a pregnancy test. I bought the FRER 2 pack & we went out dancing. I couldn't enjoy myself not knowing if I was pregnant or not. I left early because I wanted to pee on that stick so I could prove to myself that I was CRAZY and not pregnant. Someone told me to wait until the morning because hCG was stronger at that time.

Whatever. I am FAR too impatient to wait.

So I drove home. Convinced I wasn't pregnant & about to prove it.

I got home around 1:30 a.m. (Valentine's Day) & peed on the stick. I set it on the counter and watched the window.

See! One line... oh wait! Thats only the first line! There's two!

Two VERY VERY pink lines! Holy crap! How can this be? I started bawling hysterically! I was happy! But scared! I called 2 friends and told them and started trying to figure out how I was going to tell (the now ex). I got online & calculated my due date - October 23,2009. I peed on the 2nd stick to confirm that the first test was accurate - it was & I went to bed.

I woke up at 7am that morning, went to WalMart and bought some prenatals. Then I went to my best friend's house (who's more of a sister). She had found out on 2/12 that she was pregnant with #2 and I was eager to tell her I was pregnant too. I told her mom first (she's a mom to me) then walked over to her apartment. We were excited to be pregnant together. We were due a week and a half apart.

Later that day I told (the now ex). He never questioned the paternity. That would be because I later found out he lied about the vasectomy. He was far from thrilled & tried to push me to have an abortion - which I refused! There was NO way!

Of course, being my first pregnancy & excited I told EVERYONE! If I could have bought a billboard I would have! I was thrilled. I started picking out names. Figuring out daycare situations. Went on light-duty at work (I am in law enforcement). I was making plans for this baby! Everyone at work joked that I was having twins because I looked like I was showing. I told them they were CRAZY!

Fast forward to March 5th! My first ultrasound. My "sister" wanted to go with me. I was using her Ob/Gyn so we could schedule future appointments together. I went back to the exam room & the doctor finaly came in.

She started the exam and ultrasound. On the screen I saw a sweet little baby & a heartbeat. My sister asks if there were two in there - apparently she saw something I didn't. I told her she was crazy and no there wasn't two - I was only having one. The doctor told her she only saw one then paused and said the words I'll never forget, "Well that's why I don't like to say anything early. Nope, there's another baby in there. And there's the heartbeat." I lost it - hysterically! How is this possible? No way! I saw one sac. 2 babies. 2 heartbeats. Identical twins!

All was going well. I didn't have too much morning sickness. I would get queasy. And my love for onions skyrocketed! I picked out 2 more names. I was thrilled to be pregnant - but at the same time was nervous because I knew the risk associated with twins.

March 9th my sister found out she lost her baby and had a D&C on March 13th. I was heartbroken for her. And became more nervous about my pregnancy. On March 18th, when I woke up and used the bathroom, I noticed the smallest little pink dot on the toilet paper. I immediately called my ObGyn. I figured I was over-reacting because of my sisters miscarriage. And thought the pink speck was because I had done the deed the night before and maybe irritated my cervix. But I wanted to go in - and if nothing else I would get to see my babies again! I called my sister and told her what was going on. She had "mom" head to the doctors office to meet me.

I felt nervous but confident. I had already seen the heartbeats and knew that the risk of m/c after seeing the hb was low. Not to mention I was 8w5d at that point. I went back to the exam room alone and saw a different doctor in the practice than I had seen before. She told me there was nothing to worry about and started the ultrasound. She didn't say a word. She just kept looking at the screen. I knew right then. I finally just asked if there were heartbeats and she said no. But she wanted me to go to their main office and have another u/s on the better machines to confirm. I was crushed but holding it together. That is, until I walked out to the lobby and saw "mom". I just looked at her & shook my head. When she got to me and put her arms around me I lost it. They put us in a conference room while they were contacting the other office.

Once we got to the main clinic, I walked in still wearing my sunglasses. I tried to tell the receptionist who I was and why I was there. But I couldn't get it out. Finally, I lifted my sunglasses and when they saw my red, swollen eyes they knew who I was and why I was there. They took me back, confirmed the worst & scheduled my D&C for 2 days later.

The next day or so were awful. Dealing with phone calls from friends, co-workers & the hospital, and just a weird feeling knowing I had 2 dead babies in my stomach. Horrible & aweful. The D&C were uneventful besides the fact that they couldn't stop my bleeding. I woke up having awful contractions.

I took 2 weeks off of work & took a vacation during that time to clear my head.

I never did find out the gender of my identical twins, but I always felt like they were boys. The names I had picked out for them were Parker Blake & Emerson Reed.

After my miscarriage I went back to an R.E. I had seen before & after a laparoscopy & hysteroscopy I was diagnosed with endo & had a uterine septum resected. The uterine septum is very well a major factor in me losing my babies since a septum has no blood flow.

There is not a day that I don't think about my angels. And not a day that I am not sad that I will never get to meet them, hold them & watch them grow up. But I know they are in heaven with their cousin who went there a week and a half before them.

Rachel blogs at www.chasingmommyhood.com
You can contact her at chasingmommyhood@gmail.com