Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Kathy
Mom to two lost babies
March 1st, 2010
May 21st, 2010
Michigan

I am missing two little babies. Words to describe the aftermath always seem to fall short. I have no physical evidence that these babies existed, except a few papers from the hospital, but that doesn’t make them any less real or important to me. They are my babies, they are loved, and they are missed. 

 I knew I was pregnant with my second very early, before a pregnancy test would ever agree with me. I am an avid runner and can tell because things become “off”. My times get harder to hit, I get tired very early on in my run, and there is never enough oxygen! 
 

Within two weeks, a pregnancy test confirmed what I already knew, I was pregnant! My husband and I were thrilled to be having another baby and I instantly started planning and dreaming about the newest addition to our family. We had cleared out a room for the nursery and started unpacking baby stuff. Our two year old son loves babies and we were excited to give him a little brother or sister. He was going to make a great big brother. Life was good. 
 

The spotting started on a Thursday morning. I didn’t think anything of it as my doctor said it’s fairly common in early pregnancy, and I was having no other problems. I continued on with life as normal, never thinking for a second I could lose my baby. That Saturday, the cramps and bleeding started. My husband took me to the ER and we saw a perfect little bean measuring the correct size with a strong heartbeat on the ultrasound. Unfortunately, my hormone levels were plummeting. The doctor told me it was only a matter of time before I miscarried. Since my baby was still alive on the ultrasound, I wouldn’t consider a D & C and went home with my hormone prescription to wait and see. 
 

Two agonizing days later, it finally happened. In the middle of the night after so much turmoil and emotion and intense physical pain, I saw my precious little baby. At just 8 weeks old, all I could make out was a tiny head and body, but even at that early stage, I could see my baby was perfect. Seeing that tiny, lifeless body will forever haunt me. 
 

Almost 2 months later after the ok from our doctor, we decided to try again. I was surprised to find myself pregnant again later that month. This time, there was no planning and dreaming. The fear began to roll in as soon as that second line materialized on the pregnancy test. Fear of the unknown, fear of forgetting my second baby, and fear of the same thing happening again. I almost felt like I was being disloyal to my baby and that by getting pregnant again so soon, I was moving on. Of course, I know now that isn’t true, but at that point in time I wasn’t so sure. 
 

The very next day while I was at work, the bleeding and cramping started. This time I knew immediately what was happening. I couldn’t bring myself to go home and wait it out and I knew I couldn’t stay focused at work, so I went to the mall and walked around in a daze. I half-heartedly walked through racks of clothes in a department store, not really looking at anything in particular. I decided to leave when I realized I had made it to the maternity section without even trying. 
 

At home, I sat numbly on the couch. The tears wouldn’t come, even if I tried to force it. Later that night, my third baby made an appearance. This time, at just 4 weeks, I couldn’t make out anything. But I saw what would have become my baby. I laid on the bathroom floor for a long time, feeling like this wasn’t real, that I was just having an awful dream. But sadly, this was reality. 
 

I spent the next few days and weeks in a serious fog. I was there physically, but I felt a million miles away. My doctor’s voice faded in and out at my follow-up appointments. Work became unbearable. Sleep was sporadic at best. I felt like I was losing my grip. This was all too much for me to bear in just a few short months time.
 

Four short weeks later, I had another suspicion. The fog lifted just enough for me to process this very scary and exciting information. The pregnancy test shook in my hands this time, and when that second line showed up again, I cried uncontrollably. I cried for my babies that were gone, for this baby that I instantly loved already, and for this baby’s future. This has been a very difficult year, but I wouldn’t change it for anything. 

My babies have changed my life and who I am and they’ve made me a significantly better person. At this point in time, I am still currently pregnant and cautiously optimistic.