Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Brittany
Mom to Baby, miscarried at 8 weeks on January 4th, 2007
and Baby Boy, miscarried at 16 weeks on June 21st, 2010
Newton, AL

My first miscarriage was in Dec. 2007, only seven months after my first son, Jackson, was born. I went in for my first ultrasound the day after Christmas. My husband and I were very excited. The tech started the ultrasound and as soon as the baby came on the screen I knew something was not right. 


The tech kept asking me to hold my breath so she could see if the baby would move. After doing that over and over she sent us back into the waiting room. I looked at Andy and I knew he already knew it was going to be bad news. We then got called back into my doctor’s office were he told us that the baby had not developed and there was no heartbeat. And that it may have even been a molar pregnancy. He gave me two choices: a) we could do a D&C right away or b) let it happen on its own. Well, I was still breastfeeding my 7 month old son, so I decided to go home and let my body do everything on its own. A week went by, a week of hell! Every time I would go to the bathroom I would hold my breath, I was so scared to see the baby come out. But nothing happened, not even a drop of blood. So we went back to the Dr. that next week. He did another u/s and it showed that my body was still growing the sac but no baby. So at that point I wanted it over and set up a D&C.


On Jan 4^th I had the surgery. That next May I found out I was pregnant again. And on Jan. 9, 2009 I had another beautiful baby boy, Nicholas! Almost a year to the day of having my D&C. We were over the moon!

We had always planned on having three children and I wanted them two years apart. So the beginning of this year I started hinting around to my husband that it was about time we start trying. Well that never really went anywhere and we both knew that I really never needed to “try” it always just happened for us. So on April 1^st I decided I was going to play a joke on a few people for fun. I took a pic of one of my old positive pregnancy tests and sent it to my husband, best friend, and my sister. I first got a text from my sister that said, “haha April Fools.” Then my best friend sent me a text that said, “Really!”. And Andy sent me a text that said, “Again!”. I got a good laugh out of it all and sent them all a Happy April Fools text. Well the next day I was sitting at my computer thinking I should be coming up on my next period like yesterday. So really out of boredom I took a pregnancy test (yes I keep them on hand..lol). Well before I got my pants up there were 2 pink lines. I was like you have got to me kidding me! I call Andy into the bathroom and handing him the stick said, “HAHA the joke is on me!” He busted out laughing! He then said that if this baby is a girl her name will be April. This was going to make for a great story to tell this baby someday.

My pregnancy was going well. I was a bit sicker this go around. I was just hoping that it was a sign of a girl. If this was going to be my last pregnancy, I wanted to make the most of it! I had my 8 week ultrasound on April 30^th and there it was, the most prefect little blob with a fast little heartbeat. Everything looked great! My Dr. kept my due date at Dec. 7^th and I couldn't’t wait! I had my 12 week appt. and we heard yet again a strong heartbeat (160 bpm). I entered my 2^nd trimester, “the safe zone,” and couldn’t be happier. I was sure we would be having a baby in December.

On the 19^th of June (Father’s Day weekend) we planed to take my 3 year old to the movies for the first time. Andy and I both were excited to see Toy Story 3 …lol! It was a busy day for me. I started the morning by heading to Wal-Mart to grocery shop. But I needed to make it quick to be back in time to go to the movies. While I was at Wal-Mart I was having these pains/spasms in my cervix. I kept telling myself that I was just over doing it and when I was able to sit down everything would be ok. I got done shopping and got in the car to go home. On my way home I had one big pain that if I hadn’t already been sitting down I would have hit the ground. I made it home, put the food up, and got my son ready to go to the movies. My sister came over to keep my other son. I didn’t tell anyone about my pains because I thought they would go away as soon as I sat down and take a break. I set through the movie enjoying every minute of watching Jackson marvel at the big screen. I guess I forgot about my pains. Later that night after I put the boys to bed I set down to just breathe. It was about 9pm at this time. I looked over at my husband and told him that I had been hurting all day and that my lower back was hurting now too. He asked if I needed to go to the ER. I really didn’t want to go to the ER! I decided to call the after hours nurse line. I talked to the nurse for what seemed like forever. I could hear her type all my answers to her questions into the computer. At the end of the call the computer said based on my answers, I should see a Dr. within 4 hours. Yay me, I guess I was going to the ER L . I called my sister back over to keep the boys, but she wanted to go with me. So we decided Andy would stay home with the boys and she would take me to the ER. (I wish now that Andy went).

We got to the ER around 10pm. They wouldn’t let me go to L&D because I was only 16 weeks so they put me in a little ER room to wait. They took a urine sample and blood. Then my nurse came in with a heart monitor. I could tell right away that this nurse was not the greatest at her job. And she had very little bed side manor. She started to look for the baby’s heartbeat but the monitor was not digital, so she had to count the beats. After about 15 minutes of counting beats and not knowing what the hell she was doing, she ordered an u/s. I wasn’t worried at this point because I thought I had heard it a few times while trying. I also was excited about an u/s because I thought, maybe we can see the sex of the baby (Andy and I decided to not find out the sex this time but I was going to tell him it was an accident that I found out..lol). The u/s tech came and got me. She was the cutest thing! She was about 30 weeks pregnant herself with her first baby. She was all smiles and very sweet! On our way we heard the hospital play a lullaby over the intercom ( they do this when a baby is born). I smiled as I heard it! We get into the room and I hopped onto the table. She started the u/s and there was the cutest little baby. All I could see was the profile with the sweetest little nose and lips. The tech started looking for the heartbeat and it was taking forever. I asked her if she saw a heartbeat and she said she was still looking. I then asked her if the baby was moving and she said, not at the moment. I could see it in her face that there was something wrong. I asked her what the baby was measuring and she said 13-14 weeks. I told her that can’t be….I was 16 weeks! She then said she wanted to do a trasvaginal ultrasound just in case I was not as far along as I thought. I knew I was 16 weeks but I don’t think she wanted to give up just yet! My sister said she saw the tech even tear up. After the u/s not much was said. She knew I knew it was bad news! She then pushed me back to my little ER room. I told her "Good luck" as she was leaving and she smiled.


Well my nurse (the one with no bed side manor) said, “Wow there must have been some pregnancy bonding going on”. My sister then told her that we didn’t see a heart beat. She said “Oh well that explains why I couldn’t find it”. I wanted to scream! And she even stuck around wanting to talk about it! I just wanted to go home! My sister texted Andy to tell him it was bad. He then called me crying. I waited forever before my nurse came back around. I asked her what I was waiting for and she said the yeast infection test. I was like are you kidding me! I don’t have a yeast infection! My baby is dead! Can I just go home! She said I needed to see the Dr. first. Well at that very moment there was a code blue and I saw the Dr. walk the other way. I said F*** this! I am leaving! So I discharged myself. As soon as I got in the car I thought CRAP I don’t have any pain meds. Oh well, I just wanted to be home!

The next day I woke up in pain so I called the nurse line again. I told them what happened and they called the on-call Dr. (which happened to be my Dr.) and he called me in some pain meds. He told me to call the offices first thing in the morning so he could get me in ASAP. I called the next morning but there was a little confusion. My Dr. thought I had already passed the baby and he was in surgery all day. He called me personally and I told him all that happened. He then asked if I could come in right now and he could do a D&C that day. I told him yes and when I hung up the phone I lost it! Everything was happening too fast! I didn’t want to say goodbye to this baby! I just wanted to wake up form this bad dream!

Andy and I got to the hospital around noon. Thank God for my best friend! She kept the boys for us. We first went over to the Dr. offices to have another ultrasound to make sure. The tech was super sweet! I wish I had asked for a picture of the baby because the only picture I have is of my 8 week ultrasound. I want to remember the baby’s little face forever! She told us that she saw the same thing as the other tech. And that she was really sorry L ! I then was told to go down to the outpatient surgery. I was thinking this whole time that it would be closer to the end of the day before I had to have the surgery. I was set up in a room by 1:30pm and they came and got me by 2:30pm! Everything was going so fast.! While I was waiting in pre-op I finally saw my Dr. He told me that he was really sorry and that he thought for sure that there had to have been something wrong with the baby to cause this (he talked about maybe a chromosome disorder). This saddened me because I would have taken and loved the baby no matter what was wrong with him L . I then was put to sleep.

I woke up in a LOT of pain! And I was sooo sad! I couldn’t stop crying! They monitored me for a while and then wheeled me to a room where Andy was waiting. I noticed that this room had fish wall paper and was confused as to why I was in a kids room?! Andy told me that I had to stay the night because there were problems during surgery. I had lost too much blood and if I continued to lose blood I would need a transfusion. I could tell by how weak I was. I could barely lift my arms. I was told that I had no color in my face. I just wanted this bad dream to be over!

After staying the night I was finally allowed to go home. Finally I could now grieve for my baby! I wanted that baby so much! I hated that my belly was not as full or hard! I hated that I was having to buy pads. I wanted to be pregnant and not bleeding! And why do they have to put pregnancy test next to the pads? It made me so upset to see the pregnancy tests because only a few months ago I was so happy to see a positive test. I held my boys so tight and that did help. But it also hurt me to know exactly what I just lost! I also hated that I felt so alone! And that I felt like I was the only one who loved that baby. Yes I was only 16 weeks pregnant, but that was a baby (with a beautiful little face) and he was growing and kicking inside me! I just don’t want him to be forgotten!

Andy has dealt with this differently then I have. I want to talk about the baby. I want to talk about trying again. I want to talk about how sad and depressed I am. But I feel like he just wants it to be over and not talk about it. This really saddens me and makes me feel alone! I saw my Dr. last week (3 weeks after the surgery) and all the tests came back. He told me that the baby was indeed a baby BOY and that all the chromosome tests came back normal. My baby boy was healthy! It was my body that failed him! I am heartbroken! My Dr. is now testing me for all of the blood clotting disorders. But with me having two live births it would be unlikely for me to have any of them. But we want to rule them out! I may never know what happened and that really sucks!

I will always love these babies! And I will continue to carry them with me in my heart, ALWAYS!

Brittany blogs at

http://dontblowthecandlesout.blogspot.com
You can contact her at andynbritt2006@yahoo.com