Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Cherie

Mom to Gavin Hunter

November 21, 2010

Goshen, Indiana

I guess my story starts in 2005 when I meet my husband Eddie. I already had a son when I meet him and we had our 2nd son in 2006. In March of 2010 we got married at the church that we attend. We had been talking for a year about wanting to have another baby but wanted to wait till after we got married so we started trying after the wedding. It took a couple months but sure an enough a couple days after my birthday I took a test and it was positive. We were so happy that we were having another little Stephenson growing inside me. We told all the family and close friends but wanted to wait till after the first 12 weeks to tell our boys just in case I would miscarry, we didn't want to get there hopes up just to let them down. But after the 12 weeks came and went we thought we were safe so we told them. They were so excited that they were going to have a new brother or sister.

My pregnancy was a lot different then my other 2 sons my attitude changed a lot I was really getting depressed and was taking a lot of stress out on my husband since he was the closest one to me. I had made my first appointment when I was 8 weeks along and we talked a lot about my feeling and what was going on. My midwife said that a lot of pregnant woman get depressed and that taking an antidepressant would not hurt the child that was inside me so I started to take it in hopes it would help. It helped somewhat but I was still really depressed and stressed out. They upped my dose 1 time but after that I didn't want it to be upped anymore because I didn't want anything to happen so I just left it as it was. I attended all my appointments I had every month. I had an ultrasound at 20 weeks and we found out we were having another boy. We had an option to have a 3-D ultrasound and of course we had it done, and that was when I was about 27 weeks. Let me tell you the 3-D ultrasound is really cool we could see him we, know that he looked like his brother we could see him move his little fingers and toes, it was awesome to see.
 

Going back a few weeks when I was about 25 weeks we moved into a new place so with moving that meant I was packing and putting things away so I was really putting a lot of stress on my body. I was having a really bad pain in my stomach were it was really hard to work. I called the doctor and talked to the nurse, she said that I just needed to rest and call in a couple days if it didn't get better. So a couple days later I called since it had not gotten any better, if anything it had got worse. The nurse told me to come in and see one of the doctors. They gave me a quick ultrasound which was really quick, a matter of maybe 2 minutes. The doctor looked at all my organs for almost all of the time said that they were all ok, and then looked at my baby saw that there was a heartbeat and that was all. We left there with them saying just to rest everything was ok. So I went home and rested just like they said. It got better over the weekend and I was back to normal; well what I thought would be normal for a few weeks until my life would be turned upside down.
 

The week of Nov 15th started like any other week I always had my doctor appointments made for Monday so I went just like I did every month, but this week was a milestone I was going to start going every 2 weeks. I was so excited I was in my home stretch 10 more weeks to go. At my appointment they did my blood work for the diabetes and checked me over and of course I got to hear his prefect heartbeat 140 she said looks good. So the next day was a normal day went to work and came home. Wednesday at work was different then most days we had rolls that were harder to pack, but I still did it not thinking anything would happen, after all I had been doing this the last 30 weeks. But when I got home I was having that pain once again in my stomach. I was having Braxton-hicks contractions (but I had been having them so it was not something that i was scared about). The next day I called the doctor to talk to them about that pain I was having, they said again give it a few days. I also told them that he was not moving as much, but she said it was ok that I was only 30 weeks and he was still really little and was probable facing my back. The nurse said if I had not felt any movement in a few days just to call and I should come in. I rested as much as possible, Friday after work my husband and I watched a few movies, I laid on the couch and I thought that I felt him move a few times, so I was ok or I thought so. Saturday morning we watched another movie and during the whole movie I tried to count how many kicks there was, there was none. I was thinking did I really feel him move last night, or was it just my head playing games with me. I called the doctor on call just to be on the safe side, she told me just to come up to ease my mind.

I told my husband to take the kids out while I went to the hospital, because I believed that he would be stubborn and lazy, and I would be home in just a few hours any way. On the way up to the hospital I called my best friend and told her what I was doing, she didn't want me to go alone so she offered to come with me.

We got to the maternity word and they put me in a triage room first. The nurse was a lady that lives in my parent’s subdivision so she had seen me many times at my parents’ house. I climbed on the bed pulled up my shirt so they could hook the monitors up, she searched for what seemed to be 20 minutes for his heartbeat. I asked her could he just be turned weird, she said that it was possible so she would get my midwife in so she could try. It only took a few minutes till she was there, she tried to the heartbeat and couldn't find it either. I asked her the same question that I asked the nurse she said yes it could be, but she needed to get a doctor in to do an ultrasound. The doctor came in a few minutes later and put the ultrasound on my stomach, there was my baby so beautiful and peaceful, but the words that came out of the doctors mouth was there is no heartbeat. How could there be no heartbeat I was just in a couple days before and I heard it. But now I could see there was no heartbeat he was so still, no movement, my child had died inside me and I couldn't do a thing about it. I just broke down and cried. How, why me, why me, I just don't understand.. I was in disbelief. The child that I had been caring around inside me the last 30 weeks was gone and I could do nothing to get him back. I was responsible to take care of him and I had failed at doing so. I don't know how long I cried in the room it felt like hours. My parents got to the hospital first while my husband was an hour away. The doctor said that I had a choice to go home and come back tomorrow, but at that point I had no idea what I wanted to do. I went outside for probable what was at least 2 hours, my husband and kids showed up during this time. It was very hard to see my kids because they had already guessed what was going on, and was every bit as devastated as I was. We decided that it was best if we just went ahead and started the labor that night. I didn't want to have to go home and sit around and think about what would come. I wanted to see him, hold him, and touch him. So my grandparents came and picked up the boys so we could head back up to start my labor.
 

They started my labor Saturday night. Labor lasted into Sunday, I didn't really feel anything until around 10 in the morning, but the doctors and nurses were so good with keeping me comfortable on pain medication. It was the emotional part that was the hardest, I knew that the child that I was going to be pushing out was never going to be coming home with me. I pushed for only about 20 minutes and Gavin Hunter Stephenson came into this world with wings. He was born at 12:41, p.m on Sunday November 21. He looked just like he did in the ultrasound, just like his brother, he had my nose and Eddie's long legs, fingers and toes. He was perfect. I just had one problem he was not coming home with us. The doctor told us that Gavin's death was caused by placental abruption. The few hours that he was with us we had many visitors that came to hold Gavin. He will never know just how much everyone loved him. He will never know how much I love him. I could not hold him enough because I knew that soon it would be the time that I would have to give him to my nurse and never see him again. After many tears I gave Gavin one last hug and kiss and gave him to the nurse. That night we didn't sleep at all, we spent most of the night outside talking, holding each other, and crying. That night it was raining outside, I told Eddie that god was crying for us (with us) and this was his way of showing it. The next day I was able to leave the hospital, but only with a memory box that had a few things of Gavin in it, a molding of his hands and feet, and a heart torn into pieces. We had Gavin’s graveside service the day before Thanksgiving, all our family and friends attended. At the service my husband and I decided that we wanted to bury our son, so Eddie, the kids, and everyone else took a shovel and covered Gavin's casket. It was like a closer to Eddie, but to me it showed me just how much everyone cared about us.
 

Since Gavin's death things have been hard, I came home to a house that was ready for a baby to be brought home. I got really depressed for weeks blaming myself for his death. Today I have come to grips that everything happens for a reason. I have no idea what the reason is, but I know there is one. Maybe one day I will be able to find out what it is here on earth, but if not I will sure ask when I get to heaven. I wish every single day that Gavin was here, there is not an hour that goes by that he is not on my mind. I know that some day when I die I will see him again in heaven, and I am fine with that most of the time.
 

Cherie can be contacted at: cheriegeiser@hotmail.com