Monday, January 31, 2011

Mom to Angel Baby "Blueberry"
Miscarried at 12 weeks on October 5th, 2010
Fort Thomas, Kentucky

My husband said to me, "Maybe we could just let it go this once." He was talking about protection. We had discussed having a baby, I have two girls, and he had none. He always said he didn't want his own children. We had grown up together, and after 18yrs and my divorce we became a couple. I was so excited to try for a baby even though I had suffered from fertility issues in the past. I had a really good feeling about this.  

We went on vacation a week or so later and I put it out of my mind. I had the worst headache the first night we were there, I really didn't think anything of it. After we got home I had already bought a test and had the date marked on the calendar. When the date came I woke up early and took the test. I couldn't believe it! It was positive! I was so happy. I woke my husband up and he was in disbelief, but very happy too.

At first all was well. I had every symptom in the book so I knew it was going well, but I couldn't shake this apprehensive feeling. I had some issues w/ my girls, my oldest was 9wks early due to placenta abrupt-ion, and my youngest had intrauterine growth restriction so she was 4wks early. Naturally I was cautious. After intercourse one night I was spotting. I called the dr and they said it was normal to spot when you were implanting and if it kept up I could come in. I continued to spot for a few more days so at 6wks I went in for an ultrasound. We saw this tiny little blueberry flashing like crazy as we heard the heartbeat. Immediately we were relieved. Off and on after that I continued to spot and put myself on pelvic restriction to be safe. I was so sick w/ the pregnancy which was a symptom I hadn't had before. I was hoping for a boy.

Right at our 12wk mark we were scheduled for another ultrasound b/c we couldn't hear the heartbeat at my last exam, which I was told was not unusual that early on. My husband and I have a date night every other Friday night when our girls are with their father. I was excited b/c it was the first time that I felt hungry and not sick. I did tell my DH that it worried me a bit that I wasn't sick, but we chalked it up to going into the second trimester. Also, I kept feeling this twitter in my belly. I logically knew it wasn't movement, but had no other answer. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law went to the visit w/ us just in case we could see what we were having. We were beginning the ultrasound and as I looked at the screen, my heart shattered. At the same time my MOL was asked to step out. I knew we had lost our baby. I felt so guilty, like I should have known. I found out that the twitter I felt was the beginning of contractions. It was horrible. I had to have a D&C two days later. And I think that was the hardest part. Not only had I lost this baby, but now I was carrying this dead baby inside of me and my grief was the worst I had ever felt.

For our 1st wedding anniversary my dh bought me a star in the section of the astrology sign in which our baby was due and named it "Baby Noble". It will be inducted in the star registration officially on the due date which is April 22nd, 2011. I wish I could do more for this baby. I wish I could let him/her know how truly loved they were w/o even being in our arms. I wish that no one had to endure the loss of a child. I have learned that it is never easy, whether you have held them or not.

We are currently TTC but I know I will never be the same again.


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