Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Mom to Aiden William
Stillborn November 19th, 2010 at 6:00 a.m.
Weatherford, Texas

My husband and I were married in August of 2005 and we could see having children, we just wanted to wait a few years before we started to try. Finally, in 2008 we wanted to start trying, we tried and tried and tried... no luck. I decided to go to my OBGYN to make sure everything was going okay and that maybe we were just off a bit from my ovulating. Come to find out I have PCOS and I cannot ovulate on my own and I never have. We tried different drug therapies to help me ovulate, nothing helped.
So, she sent me to a fertility specialist in Ft. Worth. My doctor suggested we try IUI with stronger drugs to get me to ovulate. After 17 long days of injectable drugs to help me grow follicles, it was finally working. We were then scheduled to get our IUI. After the procedure, we had the dreaded 2 weeks wait for the pregnancy test. I got the call, we were pregnant! It was the most wonderful news! My husband and I were looking forward to becoming parents! We went in for our normal ultrasound pictures, things were looking good. At our 8 week ultrasound, we saw on the screen that there were twins. Sadly, the one twin did not look good. The doctor did not have high hopes that the twin would survive. A few weeks later at our 10 week ultrasound, the twin did re-absorb itself. That was VERY hard to take. Though we were really ready for twins, we were getting excited about the fact that we just might have them both. My doctor did say that the baby that was in there was doing great. Moving around like he/she should, heartbeat was great and growing like he/she should.
After I got clear from the specialist, I was then I was sent back to my OBGYN for her to take me back over. The pregnancy was progressing as it should and all the ultrasounds were looking great. At 16 weeks, we found out that we were going to be blessed with a baby boy! To be honest with you, I knew it was going to be a boy, I just knew it. My husband and I were so thrilled! Again, we went in for our routine apts and everything was going very well. I could feel my little man moving around and kicking me from time to time, it was an amazing feeling. I would lay down at night and he would be moving around, getting ready for bed too. Then every morning I would wake up, he would move around and wake up with me.
At around 28-29 weeks, I did break my bone in my left foot. I fell down some stairs and sprained my ankle too. I was put in a walking boot, but was told to stay off of it for about 2 weeks. I was then told that I could start putting some weight on the foot. Everything was healing as it should.
I was getting to the 30 week mark (November 2nd), things were still good. He looked great, moved around like he should (he was never really consistent with his movements, but I knew it was always when we went to bed and when we were waking up). My husband and I got the okay to drive to Nebraska and Missouri to see our families for our vacation in November (5th-15th). I was feeling good and even though I had a broken foot, I was feeling great. While in Nebraska, I was given a baby shower for our baby boy. Then when we went to Missouri, my sisters gave us a baby shower there too. I got so many cute things for our son. I could not wait to see him in some of the cute clothes we were given.
We then got back to Texas on that Monday night the 15th. Things were still okay. Then I knew we had an OB apt on Wednesday at 3:00. Then on Tuesday night, I was getting ready for bed, and as I got in, I was ready for our little man to start moving around, as he did every night. Since he didn't move, I didn't think much of it, that was my first mistake. Then the next morning, I was getting up and getting ready for work and usually after I ate something, he would move at least a tiny bit, nothing. Again, I took this all too lightly and I hate myself for not doing anything sooner cause maybe my baby could have been here with us today. So, we went in to our apt (32 weeks) and they did an ultrasound. The doctor and the ultrasound tech told us news that no one ever wants to hear about their child. They said his heartbeat had stopped. The feeling that I had go through my body and the way my heart broke into a million pieces sank to the pit of my stomach. It was just indescribable the feelings that we had when we heard we lost our son. They gave Greg and I plenty of time to cry and hold each other. They came back in the room, she suggested that they induce me that night or the next day. I opt for the next day cause I was just hoping this was just a nightmare, just a bad dream that I am going to wake up from and my son is going to be okay.
We left the doctors office and when Greg and I got home, we called our family. My mom was here by midnight that night. My dad and sister were driving down. Greg's mom and dad flew down and his brother drove down. Everyone was here by the time we went to the hospital the next day (Thursday).
Since this was our first baby, we had no clue what was in store. I am sure everything was done differently since our baby had already passed. My husband was by my side the whole time, he was so amazing. I delivered our son on Friday, November 19th, 2010 at 6:00 am. He weighed 3 lbs. 6 oz and was 17 inches long. Greg and I were alone with our son for about 45 min. We named our beautiful son Aiden William. That name just fits him so perfect. He is just so beautiful and so precious. After some time with our son, we invited our family to meet Aiden. When they walked in, there were tears, lots of tears and they were not happy tears. I am sure they were in a way because they got to meet our beautiful son and what Greg and I had made and that we just love him so very much! But they are sad tears cause Aiden is not with us anymore. We didn't get the chance to bond with him and neither did our family. Aiden didn't get his chance in life and that is why they were sad tears.  
After we were with Aiden, the organization: Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep came in and took lots of wonderful pictures of Aiden, free of charge.
We had quite a few hours with Aiden, though there is never enough time with him. The nurse came in and said that the funeral home was on their way to pick up Aiden. I just kept thinking that this is not happening and this is all a nightmare. We held Aiden and kissed him and told him how much we love him and didn't want this to happen. We wanted Aiden with us like he is suppose to be.
After I was in recovery and released from the hospital on that Saturday afternoon, we wanted to have a memorial service for Aiden. We had a wonderful pastor give the service, with all our family and friends there to show their love and support for Greg and I and our precious little man, Aiden. While the service was going on, my dad set up his laptop at the front of the church, ran a slideshow of all the pictures that were taken at the hospital of Aiden. It was such a wonderful site to have everyone see how perfect and beautiful Aiden is.
After the service, most of our family started heading back home to Nebraska and Missouri. My mom stayed with us for about another week. It was great to have her there with us.
Greg and I were talking about how we need to talk about Aiden and if we are sad, to talk to each other, cause that is what we are there for-- each other. We would lay in bed, crying and asking why things like this happen and why they would take our son. I kept wanting to put my hands on my tummy and talk to Aiden, but I then realize that he is not there anymore. I think that I am suppose to be feeling him move, but then I realize that its not going to happen.
After a few days have gone by, Greg and I thought it would be a good idea to put Aiden's things away. We had a huge pile of clothes, toys, gifts, etc from the baby showers that were given for us, that I just needed to be put away, cause every time I looked at them, I would just break down. We sat down, got some tubs out, put everything away nicely. I kept thinking that this is not fair and Aiden is suppose to be wearing these clothes in a few months, I am not suppose to be packing them away. It was very tough to do and this nightmare of losing my son will be with me forever. 
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Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Take your time with everything. There is no rush to do anything that you're not ready to do and just know that with time, you will find more peace. Hang in there - your little Aiden will be in my thoughts

Anonymous said...

Natalie, my heart was touched reading this. It hurt to read that you (at least partially) blame yourself for what happened. Sweetie, you could never ever do anything to hurt your sweet baby, and there is no way any of this was your fault. Please believe that. Don't rush anything, and when you do start smiling that mega-watt smile again, rest assured, Aiden will be happy that his beautiful Mama is starting to find some peace. Love you...Starfish

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