Mom to Mackenzy Lee Aiken
Lost October 29th, 2010 at 18 weeks
I was just as sick with this pregnancy as I was with the first. I threw up almost everyday and it never really went away even as the 2nd trimester came. I thought this was normal because it was exactly the same with my first child. We were going for our normal 18 week check up and this is when our world came crashing down before our very eyes. My doctor had the doppler (which I have always dreaded because it seems to take forever) and he could not find a heartbeat. It had been 5 minutes and I instantly knew something was wrong. I looked at my husband and gave him a look and instantly in my head kept repeating, "please God, please God, please God, not my baby." My husband jumped up and grabbed my hand. My doctor did not look concerned yet and hooked up the ultrasound machine. There was our sweet angel on the screen but the baby was lifeless. He just said I am so sorry over and over.
I went into an instant daze. I felt not of this world, I was shocked, I was confused, I was so mad, and I could not believe it. God, why did you take my baby? What did I do wrong? I remember sitting there with my doctor holding one hand and my husband holding the other and I just didn't believe it. They said they were going to put me on the 3D machine just to make sure and I kept thinking, God make this a miracle. Please God, I know nothing is impossible. I refused to believe it. After seeing the FLAT line beep across the screen where my little girl's heartbeat should of been, I felt my life being pulled right from under me. Why? How? What? This exact scene still plays in my head today over and over.
Less than 10 hours later we were being checked into the hospital to deliver our baby who was already called home to God. My family is so supportive and my husband is truly a gift from God. Those 10 hours leading up to being checked in the hospital were long and awful. I sat in stunned silence all day. I was given Prostaglandin then Pitocin to start contractions. I had a high fever and a lot of pain. But none of it mattered because I was so wrapped up in my baby. The labor and delivery is all a blur. I only pushed a couple of times and my angel was born. After a few minutes my doctor said that she looked like her cord got tangled and pinched off blood supply. I should be taking my baby home with me and here I was preparing to call a funeral home. It was not fair! I kept thinking of all the women I knew who had healthy pregnancies and did not even want to be pregnant. I thought of all the people who I did not think deserved their babies. Facebook was like the worse possible thing for the first few weeks. Everyone seemed to be pregnant and talking about it and I just wanted them to all be quiet.
Our autopsy report was just read to us at my follow up appointment and her death is officially termed, "unknown cause of death." We can't be for sure but my doctor thinks her umbilical cord twisted and pinched off her blood supply. All of the bloodwork on both Mackenzy and I came back fine. I will never know why God chose my angel too beautiful for earth but I am trying to find peace.
I read a book by John MacArthur that rocked me to my core. He said that scripture weighs heavily toward the fact that innocent children are in heaven, redeemed, and dwelling in the presence of God. Mackenzy will never experience any pain on this earth, she is face to face with our Savior right now. That is an overwhelming thought and I can't even grasp half of that truth. Of course, I selfishly want her here with me. I will always wonder how she would have grown up. John MacArthur also said, to let your comfort begin with the truth that every child conceived is a God-created and God-loved person with a God-given purpose and destiny. God created your child. God loved your child and continues to love your child. God's purpose and destiny for your child are fulfilled perfectly, even if the child dies. The reality of that is beyond anything you can know this side of heaven. Although this is a painful truth to sink in to our hearts, our angels are in the best possible place because they are home!
You can contact Kristy at firstname.lastname@example.org