Thursday, November 4, 2010

Mom to a Little Guardian Angel
October 20th, 2009
Plainfield, Illinois

First, I would like to share with you briefly my history. I am originally from CT and moved out to IL about 4 ½ years ago because of my husband’s job transfer. All of my family and friends are back in CT. Needless to say it was a major adjustment to be so far away from my biggest supporters especially when you have a loss such as this. My husband and I were living the American Dream. We bought a house and both have jobs so what comes next, the family. Back in 2009 we started on our journey of making our dream even bigger.

We were very fortunate to find out that we got pregnant so soon. More than anything we wanted to share the great news with our family but first we went to my GP to make sure that it was indeed the best news ever. Once, we got confirmation, we were immediately on the phones telling our families. I did however; wait until that first ultrasound to tell my friends. That big day came. We were so nervous but overjoyed to see our baby. It was the best image my eyes have ever seen. I was 7 weeks at the time and everything looked perfect. The tech told me to hold my breath and I was able to see our baby’s heart rate beat at a perfect 144 BPM. Our doctor confirmed that everything was on track and looking great. We were both ecstatic knowing that everything was on track. The excitement was pouring through us. When I left the doctor’s office, they scheduled me for another appointment a month later. That day to me couldn’t come faster but I which it hadn’t.

To my surprise after my exam, my doctor takes out the stethoscope so we can listen to sounds of my baby’s heart rate together. Again, I was so excited. About 5 minutes in, my doctor was never after to detect a heart rate. I was laying there all alone, no family nearby to support me; however, he mentioned that sometimes we aren’t able to hear it until 12-14 weeks and I was just about 12 weeks. Of course, I leave the room crying and calling my husband and parents.  They did schedule a u/s for me to make sure everything was fine but I had to wait until the following week for it. I explained what happened to my mother and she said that that actually happened to her when she was carrying my sister. Then I actually felt some reassurance that maybe everything is okay. My doctor didn’t seem too surprised, I wasn’t having any symptoms, so yes; I will try to relax and not stress myself nor the baby out and wait for the scheduled u/s the following week.

Finally, the day of the u/s came. I was so nervous but praying that all was okay. My prayers were not answered. It was very silent in that room. I was expecting to see this beautiful baby growing inside of me but instead it stopped growing. I just knew something was wrong when the tech asked me again when my last period was. The baby was showing that it was the size of 4-5 week year old not the 3 month old that it should have been. It was a long 5 plus minutes waiting to see the doctor. He pretty much confirmed that things are not looking good and that he is not giving us much hope. Instantly, the tears came down my face and my husband’s face. Life as we knew it was over. He gave me guidelines on what to do if I miscarried and to wait 2 weeks in order to come back for another appointment. In those two weeks, I missed my BF wedding which I was a bridesmaid because I was too afraid to travel back to CT in case I had a full blown miscarriage.

Two weeks finally passed and I had another u/s. It was then 100% confirmed that it was over. In the meantime, I was bleeding a little bit so I opted to see if I would have a natural miscarry however, the bleeding stopped and nothing was progressing so I scheduled the appointment for the D&C. What a feeling leaving the hospital knowing they just took out what was left of your baby. The pain was unbearable. For over a month I was bleeding none stop. I had yet another u/s to show that I still had tissue left over from the D&C. I was so mad. Yet, another setback. My doctor gave me a medication thinking that this would help but still nothing.  He gave me yet another medication and still nothing. I was hoping that this medication was going to give my first real period and help shed out the remaining tissue. I call the doctor’s office saying that I still never got my period after the 10 plus days of being on this pill. No response back from the office. In the mean time, I took a pregnancy test but I was thinking that there was no way that I could be pregnant since I never got a period, right? Well, the test came back positive. I again called the office and they gave me the blood test and my hcg was in the 600’s but my progesterone was low. My doctor gave me an Rx for Progesterone Suppositories to boost my levels up. Once a week I was to go and have my levels checked. This was happening in January, 2010. My hcg was slowly dropping but Progesterone was increasing. I started to spot on my 30th birthday. I called my doctor and he said to keep my legs up and stay off my feet and if it gets worse to go to the ER. Spotting was on and off. The following week I went back to discuss my levels and once again our doctor was not giving us hope. Hcg dropped in the 300’s.  Here we go again. My husband and I opted to see a specialist because we refused to go through this again and honestly felt we weren’t getting the treatment we really deserved.

The appointment came with our new doctor. What a different experience. The office was wonderful. To our surprise, we were informed that since I still had tissue in from October, which could be the reason why I was still showing hcg in my system. My husband and I were floored.  Immediately, this doctor wanted a u/s and blood work. The tech was surprised that I was seeing a doctor this whole time. My lining looked horrible and I was just lost for words. My blood work still showed that I had hcg in there but I was not pregnant. This new doctor wanted me to have another D&C. I was nervous about that so we waited another week and there we just going to track my levels to see if it dropped. A week later, they did but the following week my levels went back up. On his advice, he said we need to remove the remaining tissue. So, on March 19, I went in for my 2nd D&C. I think we were all convinced that it was finally over. Week later with my follow-up appointment, it was advised that they will track my levels to make sure it reaches zero. That same day I got my blood drawn. Few hours later I get the dreaded call personally from my doctor saying things look more complicated. My hcg went back up after the D&C. He was puzzled. They had to draw 3 more vials of blood, take a urine test and ship this all off to New Mexico where they have a facility that treats hcg cases only. I am going completely nuts right now because there is a percentage that it might be a form of cancer and I might need chemotherapy. I am left with this news and just waiting it out. 

Finally, about 10 days later I get the call. It is not cancer thank goodness. It is called Quiescent Gestational Trophoblastic Disease.  My treatment plan is to be monitored monthly to track my hcg levels. I have my last test next month and then I am hoping that this nightmare will be over. They had to put me back on the pill because if I got pregnant, than it could be a horrible situation. It is the hardest and weirdest feeling because I need my levels to be zero. Usually, you want them to be in the thousands. It has been a tremendously, emotional year. Each month with each test, I am reminded of all that as happened since we lost our baby in October, 2009. The worst part is, we still do not know if I was pregnant a second time or this was all the result of the first D&C. All my husband and I want to do is to have some closure. We are trying to stay positive that we will get that next month and finally be able to hear the great news that we can start again and be able to move on but we will never forget our little angel that I know is watching down on us getting us through all of this pain. I love you and will never forget you. 

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