Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Rachel

Mommy to Beckett

Born May 4th, 2009, Passed September 2nd, 2009

Ontario, Canada

We found out early September 2008 that we were expecting. This was a welcomed surprise after almost 12 months of trying.

Pregnancy was relatively easy - no morning sickness, no cravings or odd symptoms.  I did have spotting throughout the first 4 months, but they never found any reason for it.  

Both my husband and I have close family members with disabilities and that always weighed heavily on our minds.  After all the ultrasounds and tests everything looked perfect. 

I have a broken tailbone from a fall years ago so we decided to opt for a scheduled C-section. The night before it I was a mess – scared, nervous and excited.  Something I assume all new mothers experience.

My little boy arrived safely at around 8:30am on May 4, 2009.  I am so glad I opted for the section since forceps had to be used to get the stubborn little one out!  He weighed a whopping 8lbs 1oz - which is surprising considering I didn’t gain very much throughout the pregnancy.  When we first saw him, we both thought he looked like a little bulldog with his scrunched up face, but we instantly fell in love.  Our minds were finally set at ease.  Seeing that he was healthy and had everything he should gave me us a huge sense of relief – finally we could enjoy our baby.

The first few months of Beckett’s life were fantastic.  He was such a happy little boy and loved attention.  His smile was contagious!  Everywhere I took him people always asked if he ever stopped smiling.  Truth is he really didn’t.  He was always so content and easy to please.   

I am not one to sit still, so we didn’t.  He went everywhere with me and never fussed.  I even had him on a plane when he was 3 weeks old.

The end of August 2009 we took a family trip to a cottage for a week.  It was honestly the thing I regret the most.  The weather was horrible and it really wasn’t something I wanted to do, especially not with a new baby.  He caught a cold while we were there and I could tell that he just wasn’t himself.  The day after we got home I took him to a walk-in-clinic for them to check him over.  I was told he had an ear infection and that they would prefer I see my family dr. the following day (which we were already scheduled to go in for his 4 month visit) to prescribe antibiotics.  So on the Monday we went in for his 4 month shots.  The dr. checked his ears and said he did indeed have an ear infection and prescribed some medication.  We left the office and I took him to the pharmacy to pick up the script.  The pharmacist took one look at him, he smiled, and then she said jokingly to me “he is not sick”.  You definitely wouldn’t have known by looking at him considering he gave her a huge smile.

Tuesday was no better; he was still running a fever and was growing increasingly fussy.  Mid afternoon he was sick to his stomach.  I assumed it was the antibiotics and called the pharmacy to see if that was a normal reaction.  They couldn’t tell me if it was or wasn’t and suggested I go to the doctor to get it checked out.  The doctor was closed so I thought I would wait until my husband came home.   

My husband arrived home and he indicated he had a baseball game that night.  I decided that fresh air may do us all good.  I packed up Beckett, who was now fast asleep and off we went to the game.  I got Beckett out of the car; picked him up from his car seat and he threw up all over himself.  I couldn’t believe how much there was, considering he really hadn’t eaten.   I called my mom and told her to come get us and that I needed to take him to the clinic.  She came within a few minutes and as we were loading him into the car he was sick again.  Right then we decided we were going right to the emergency room. 

The ER took hours – a story in and of itself.  We were finally admitted after many hours, not receiving any medicine and after Beckett’s veins collapsing. His head was also not moving side to side anymore and was frozen in one position.  After being admitted a spinal tap was done to rule out meningitis.   The results came back the next morning and were negative.  With that news we let out a huge sigh of relief.

We didn’t sleep much Tuesday night, but I felt better now that he was receiving fluids.  I assumed he would get better, how could he not?  He was a healthy 15 pound little boy! Later in the afternoon things progressed rapidly and he started to have seizures in my arms.  He was rushed down to have a CTscan. The doctors came out and pulled us into a side room. There they told us there was something going on in his brain and they would need to transfer him to a Children’s Hospital right away.   It took a few hours to prep him for the transfer.  I just remember sitting in the hall of the hospital watching all the new mothers with their babies be wheeled by our room.  I remember wishing that was me and I wasn’t sitting here with a sick baby.

We arrived at the Children’s Hospital only to be drilled with tons of questions from a variety of doctors.  We were told they have never seen anything like this and that they would schedule more tests for Thursday morning.  They stabilized him and suggested we go home to rest and prepare for the days to come.  We finally decided to leave after the nurse assured me he was stable and sedated.  We got home only to be called an hour later and be told “he has taken a turn for the worst; we suggest you come right down.”  I knew it wasn’t good.  We raced back to the hospital only to witness them performing CPR on my little angel.   We were told that things progressed rapidly and that there was nothing they could do.

That was the worst day of my life.  Having to say goodbye to my little man has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.  It is so hard to know you can have something one minute and it can be ripped from your arms the next.  

 Rachel blogs at http://thebiggestloss.blogspot.com