Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Michelle

Mom to Eden Elisabeth

Born still September 19th, 2007

Indianapolis, Indiana

My husband and I, having been married for 2 ½ years, decided that we wanted to start trying to conceive, so on January 2, 2007, when I took my first home pregnancy test, we were thrilled!  In the spring, we found out we were having a girl, which my husband was kind of nervous about at first.  He had originally wanted a boy, but as my pregnancy continued, he got more and more excited about our Eden! 

The summer was so hot and I had some swelling, but my blood pressure was great and my doctor didn’t seem alarmed!  My due date, September 8 came and went, and we were still waiting for our Eden to arrive!  Then at my 41 week appointment, we had another ultrasound and the doctor discovered that Eden was over 8 lbs and my amniotic fluid was low.  I don’t think it was a shock, I mean I was almost 2 weeks over-due!  So she decided to go ahead and induce me the following day instead of waiting until our scheduled induction date, later that week.  We went to the hospital that night, Monday, and they administered a cervical softening medication.  We spent the night in the hospital excited to see what the next day would hold.

The next morning, they started the Pitocin in my IV and the doctor broke my water.  At about noon my contractions started to get noticeably harder and I was only 3 cm dilated, so I decided to get an epidural.  At 3PM they administered the epidural and I took a nap.  The rest of the day went smooth, Eden did well and we were just waiting for the time the doctor would say it was time to start pushing.

At about 10PM my doctor checked me and said that it was time to start pushing, I did so for about an hour and there really wasn’t any progress.  My doctor told me they were going to let me rest for an hour to see if my body would do some of the work, since I wasn’t in any pain.  So that is just what we did. 

Then at about midnight the nurses were getting the room ready, getting the warmer out and everything and the doctor came back in so we could start pushing again.  For about another hour I pushed , then my doctor said that if they didn’t see any progress on the next push, they were going to do a C-section.  I pushed on the next contraction and Eden’s heart rate dropped dangerously low.  Nurses turned me onto my side to try to get her heart rate back up.  Everyone was rushing around,  unplugging cords and handing paperwork to my husband to sign so that they could do a C-section.  They hurried me to the OR and before they started the surgery they checked Eden’s heart rate and it was back up in the normal range.  It was still an emergency C-section, but I thought that everything would be ok, because her heart sounded strong!  It didn’t take very long to get her out, she was born at 1:14 on September 19th, but she never cried.  You don’t realize how odd a quiet birth is, unless you have experienced it.  I kept waiting to hear her cry and that never happened.  The only sound I heard were the nurses doing CPR on my newborn daughter!  Counting compressions, that is the worst sound ever!  I kept expecting to hear her cry and that everything would be fine!  But after a half an hour of doing CPR, the nurse came over and told me that they were sorry, and that they had done everything they could but they could not bring her back.  They wrapped her in a blanket and put a hat on her head and gave her to my husband.  She was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen!  How could this be?  She just looked like she was sleeping, surely the nurses and doctors were wrong and she was just asleep!  How could something happen so fast?  She was fine a minute ago, what could happen in that amount of time?  What about medical technology, this shouldn’t happen!  But, this was our reality!

The hospital we delivered at was amazing!  We were able to hold Eden and keep her with us for two days.  The nurses took pictures and our family got to hold her too!  The Bereavement Coordinator at the hospital took hand and foot impressions and other people who had previous losses came and talked with us!  I was able to help give her a bath and they weighed and measured her.  She was 8 lbs 13.5 oz and 22 ½ inches long.  We stayed at the hospital for about 5 days, as long as insurance would cover, because honestly, I didn’t want to go home without my baby!  Being wheeled out of the hospital without your child is one of the worst feelings ever!

But somehow, through all of the craziness of our loss, we made it through and are stronger people.  The only way we made it through was with the support of our family, church family, and our relationship with God!  God has been the only constant in all of this!  I am amazed, every day, at how He is using us and our experience to help others!  It doesn’t make the loss any less difficult, but it does help knowing that “God works for the good of those who love Him and are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28.

You can contact Michelle at mtmott83@gmail.com