Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Melinda

Mom to Angel Baby

Melbourne, Australia

I was so excited to find out that i was pregnant! It's what my husband and I wanted, we wanted to start a family.  All was going well, and when I was 7 weeks I went and had a dating scan done.  There was my tiny baby, growing inside of me and it's little heart was beating strong :)  I couldn't contain my tears, I was so happy to know that my little one was alive and growing.

My next scan was booked in for when I was 12 weeks. So from 7 weeks to 12 weeks, all seemed good. I still had all the normal pregnancy symptoms.. nausea, tired, growing belly, tender breasts etc.

I was so excited that I was reaching the 12 week mark, so I could finally tell the world my exciting news!
Then during my 12 weeks scan, I was given the devastating news... my baby had died...

So many things were going through my head all at once..why, how, when! And so many different feelings all at the same time.. upset, angry, confused, denial, heart ache.
 

That was one of the worst days of my life!  The feeling I felt is cannot be explained and people who haven't been through a pregnancy loss could never understand.  My heart was broken, and i just wanted to turn back time! I wanted to go to sleep and wake up, hoping it was just a terrible nightmare.
 

But it wasn't.  I kept thinking.. "why me", "what did i do wrong" "it's not fair, i'm healthy, I did everything right".

My body however was not miscarrying. I had no pain and no bleeding. My body was carrying on as though my baby was still alive (called a Missed Miscarriage or Silent Miscarriage).  So I had to go and have a d&c (curette), to remove my baby 1 week after I was told.

The day came... but I was in 2 minds.  I wanted to have it done, so that I could start to heal emotionally, but at the same time I didn't want them to take my little one.  I knew it had to be done, so I went through with it.
 

When I woke up from the anasthetic, all I could do was cry!  The emotional pain hurt so so much.  Now it felt real! My baby was gone.   Before... I knew my baby had died, but it was still inside me, still a part of me.  Now there is nothing, my baby is gone. I'm empty!

I think about my tiny angel baby all the time, I still have so much pain.  I know that I have to move on and I hope that one day I will have a healthy baby that will stay with me, but I will never ever forget my angel baby, I know that one day we will meet!

Mummy loves you angel... forever in my heart xxx

You can contact Melinda at melbegic@gmail.com