Thursday, October 7, 2010


Lisa
Mom to Noah Gonzalez
Born still on November 11th, 2009

Last year was the happiest and saddest year of my life.  In late May I found out I was pregnant with our first child.  My husband and I were so excited and like most first time parents we were anxious and excited about what was to come.  At 9 weeks we had our first ultrasound and we saw “our little bean” for the first time.  We could see our baby moving and the little flicker of the heartbeat.  After that visit we began to prepare a nursery and even picked out some names. 

At 19 weeks we saw our baby again and found out we were having a boy.  My husband claimed up until that point that he didn’t have a preference on gender, but I knew he was so excited about having a boy.  The ultrasound appointment was so amazing.  We saw our precious baby moving and watched ever so intently as the technician pointed out every part of his body.  We heard his strong heartbeat and we left the appointment feeling so relieved that everything was fine.  We felt we were “in the clear” and continued to plan for the arrival of our son. 

The weeks following that appointment I began to feel a growing sense of anxiety, but I chalked it up to a first time mom worrying too much.   At my 23 week appointment I took my sister with me, we both listened to Noah's heartbeat and I remember feeling relief that it sounded so strong, but still expressed concerns to my doctor about the lack of movement...he told me that the heartbeat is there and that I worried too much. 

At week 27, I went to my normal visit, had the glucose screening and Rogam injection.  When I saw the doctor, he listened for Noah's heartbeat, asked to feel my pulse at the same time and then said to me "Hmmm it sounded really slow, I thought it may be yours at first, but it is his."  I again expressed my concerns about lack of movement....he got his measuring tape out, measured my stomach and said "Lisa, your stomach is growing, and again told me not to worry so much!" 

I went through the next week with my anxiety growing each day and just could not shake the feeling that something was not right.  On Monday, November 9th I decided to call for an appointment "just to put my mind at ease".  It was that same day when our world as we knew it came crashing down.  I was 28 weeks, 5 days pregnant and I was told that they were unable to find his heartbeat; our sweet baby boy was gone.  The next day, after going through many tests with the Fetal Medicine Doctor, we checked into the hospital to deliver our precious son. 

Our son Noah was born into Heaven on November 11, 2009 at 4:20 a.m.  He was so tiny, but perfect in every way.  He had his daddy’s nose and my crooked toes. We spent several hours with Noah that day.  We held him, examined his entire little body, we cried and prayed.  We requested that a priest come so that he could be baptized and then sat peacefully with him for a few more short hours.   Letting him go that day was the hardest thing I have ever done.  We left the hospital that night not with our baby, but with a box of memories. 

During my stay at the hospital and before Noah was born, I was given a brochure about the Haven Network.  My nurse came back a short while later and asked if I would like the service to come and take pictures of our baby.  Not knowing if it was the right the decision, I said yes and I am so thankful that I did. Kathy Way and Kathy Pittman came to the hospital shortly after Noah was born.  They were there during those dark, yet precious, hours to answer questions, the questions we were so afraid to ask.  We were not prepared to plan for his funeral arrangements; they were prepared to talk us through. They took the most beautiful pictures we could have asked for.  They brought a hat and clothes that fit his tiny little body so perfectly and a memory box to keep our memories of him in. They gave us a folder of information that I still read from today.  I thank them both from the bottom of my broken heart. 

The day we gave Noah to God they were there, they were there to hold us up and give us strength.  Their compassion was just what we needed to be able to get through.  Our journey in grief is not over.  The Haven Network continues to provide support through there Healing Hearts support group.  Being able to be a part of a group where parents can support each other and have the freedom to relate to others who understand because of their own experiences with the loss of a baby is invaluable. 

I sincerely believe that what the Haven Network does for families is one of the most profound gifts this side of Heaven.  Because of them we have beautiful memories that carry us through our hardest days.  During our short time with our son we were able to cherish every beautiful inch of his little angel body and are so thankful for every memory we have of him. 

It has been almost 7 months since we said hello and goodbye to our precious Noah.  Even though there is no medical explanation for our loss, I can already see some purpose in his short visit here with us.  I believe that through my loss I am empowered to help others who suffer a loss, that through my pain I can help to ease the pain of others.  We have witnessed the compassionate nature of others and have come to realize that there are still good people left in this world.  I am forever changed by having Noah and I will never think the same way again.  I still struggle with having no answers, but have faith that God has a purpose in everything that He does.   

Dearest Noah, may you know that our greatest gift was having you.  You have shown us how to love more deeply and have proven that there is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world.  Although we held you in our arms for only a short time we will hold you in our hearts forever.

Lisa has a website for Noah at http://noah-gonzalez.gonetoosoon.org/memorial/
You can contact her at lyaklich@hotmail.com 

2 comments:

Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

Lisa,
Thank you so much for sharing your story about precious little Noah.
My husband and I lost our Lilly on November 13th,2009.
Praying for you and yours during this hard time. Especially with November approaching.
Feel free to contact me at lilliansmommy2009@yahoo.com if you'd like to talk.

In Christ,
Desiree

www.lilliansmommy.blogspot.com

Mercy and Will said...

Thank you for sharing Noah's story. We lost our little girl, Willow on November 12th, 2009 @ 21 weeks.

November WILL be a hard month.

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