Sunday, October 3, 2010


Laura
Mom to Logan Ray Gill
Stillborn October 6th, 2008
Baytown, Texas

I am a mother and I have two children.
After a very long, disappointing journey and over six years trying to get pregnant, my husband and I turned to IVF as our last hope and it worked!  On March 10, 2008 we found out we were having TWINS.  We had known there was a chance, but still weren’t really expecting that.  Now, not only were we going to have the baby we’d always dreamed of and become a real family, we were going to have TWO babies.  It was shocking to say the least, but I fell in love with both babies instantly.  I went to my many appointments and watched them on the ultrasound screen and moment by moment, image by image, I fell deeper in love.  I already loved them more than I could imagine.   We found out we were having a boy and a girl and we were elated.  We named them Logan Ray and Ella Ann.  Oh how excited we were (and scared)!  I couldn’t wait for them to get here so I could have them in my arms.  I couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to have them here, to actually BE a mother like I’d dreamed and hoped for so very long, to know what that felt like. 
I ended up on bedrest for several months due to swelling and blood pressure issues, but otherwise the babies were growing and doing fine.  I went and had a 3d ultrasound done and got to see my babies in color.  I remember tears rolling down my cheeks as we watched Logan first, squirming around, and bopping his sister, and then he smiled.  It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.  A smile that would end up having to last me a lifetime, as it was the only smile of his I’d ever see.
Sunday October 5th, 2008 (at 35 weeks pregnant) I discovered some spotting. I thought maybe it was the beginning of labor starting.  I went ahead and called the on call doctor who said to go ahead and go on in to Labor & Delivery just to check it out, but that it likely would be nothing. I was actually excited, thinking that maybe I’d get to meet my babies soon, that maybe this was the beginning. I didn’t know it would be the beginning of the worst nightmare I’d ever known.

I checked into Labor & Delivery and they started the monitoring. They found Ellas heartbeat right away but had trouble finding Logans. I said “oh that happens all the time, it’s always hard to get them both on the monitors at the same time and KEEP them there”. I was not worried about it in the least. In the meantime, the doctor came in and went ahead and checked me. I was not dilated at all and had no issues. She said everything was completely normal and that we’d do an ultrasound to check the babies ‘real quick’ and then I could go on home. They weren’t going to keep me. I was a little disappointed but excited at least to get to see the babies again on the ultrasound (that’s always a plus).

They went and got the ultrasound machine and came in. They found Ella right away. All this time I was talking to my husband and my mother in law, who had showed up. We were laughing and joking, watching Ella move around on the screen. Then she moved to look at Logan. After a few moments I noticed she was still looking. I was still looking too. Neither of us were seeing anything. The picture on the u/s machine was very grainy but I didn’t see the strong flicker over the heart like there was with Ella. I said “what’s wrong” and she looked at me and said “I don’t see a heartbeat for baby A” 
“Baby A” was Logan. 
My heart sank into the pit of my stomach.  It’s hard to explain from that point on. Nothing could EVER truly describe the feelings.  At that very moment, all at once my heart stopped and my stomach dropped and I felt the most intense fear I’ve ever felt in my life. Everything got blurry in my head and I had an INSTANT headache like nothing I’d ever physically felt before.  I just can't describe the fear I felt in that moment. It was like nothing I had ever experienced.  Everything started seeming to spin. I think part of me knew just by looking at the doctor’s face that there was no hope. But she said we’d go down to radiology and get a better look on a better machine.  She didn’t sound hopeful at all. By that time I was crying uncontrollably. We called my mom, she told me not to worry, that they’d find his heartbeat, but she said they were on their way anyway (they live out of town). I remember the fear in her voice.
It seemed like we waited hours but I’m sure it was in fact just a few minutes. They wheeled me down to radiology. Another doctor in my perinatologists group was there and he started the ultrasound. I was terrified and praying to please let it be there.  Please don’t let this happen.  I need him, I want him.  He’s mine and he has to be alive.  He cannot die.  PLEASE, just PLEASE.   He started doing measurements and asking questions about when my last ultrasound was, when my last appointment was, etc. He mentioned that these were “great sized babies”. He kept just looking and measuring and talking and asking questions. Then he started going on and on about baby B (Ella) and how big she was, but he wasn’t mentioning baby A, Logan. I knew as long as I didn’t ask and he didn’t say anything, it wouldn’t be true so I just nodded. But finally I worked up the courage and just asked what I basically already knew… “is he gone?” and he quietly said “yes he is. I’m sorry”. I asked “how long?” and he said “it’s hard to tell but it looks like maybe a day or so“.
The person I was, died in that very instant.  Everything…every single thing-about me, my life, my whole world-it all changed right then and there.  I was broken.  He was gone.  My baby boy was gone.  One minute everything was okay and the next, my son was dead.
It’s like I can see/hear everything plain as day in my mind, but it’s all hazy and clustered and blurry at the same time, if that makes sense. I remember screaming and crying, mostly just screaming “why” and moaning Logans name and just ‘no”. It didn’t seem real. I couldn’t believe it happened. All of it seemed like a nightmare. But I couldn’t make myself wake up. I remember them telling me we would have to have a c-section to deliver Ella and Logan both that night. I remember calling my mom and just losing my mind right there on the phone with her. She sobbed and cried with me as they drove on to get there.
They took me back for the c-section several hours later (hours spent mindless and numb and also crying and begging for it not to be true, for the doctors to be wrong.  I even had one of my friends praying for a miracle).  Logan was born first at 12:50 a.m., completely still, already gone.  It was true.  Then Ella at 12:52 a.m. My husband took pictures of them both after they were pulled out. I am forever grateful to him for that.
Ella was whisked off to the NICU and I was wheeled back to the room I had been in,  instead of recovery, so that I could be with my family. 
We all cried a while and then the photographer with NILMDTS came in and introduced herself. I couldn’t tell you a single thing she said other than that she was going to take pictures of Ella and Logan together if I wanted. And I did.  I so wanted that. And that she’d come back and take pictures when they brought him to me. The moments in between I don’t remember, but at some point they said they were ready to bring him in. So I sat up and was scared out of my mind. But when I saw my baby, my beautiful little Logan, I just sobbed over his little body. He was so beautiful. So perfect. An absolutely beautiful, tiny, handsome little guy. My son, my Logan, my wonderful, perfect in every way little baby boy. I held him in my arms for the first and last time.  I was meeting him for the first time and also saying goodbye.  He looked so peaceful, like he was just sleeping. I wanted him to wake up. I would have given my life to just have him wake up.  At one point, his little nose started bleeding and my mom got something and wiped it. She whispered that it was just blood vessels, to not be scared. But she knew I was. A few moments later, his nose bled again and I wiped it away. I was able to do something for him that a mother would do. Wipe a bloody nose. It sounds stupid, but it was important and it meant something. My mom took a few pictures while I just held him and rocked him in my arms and told him that he was beautiful, that I loved him, that he was my baby boy, my son, that he would always be mine. I don’t know how long I held him. It could have been 10 minutes, it could have been an hour. All I know is that at some point, his little eyes started to bleed and I couldn’t look at him anymore. He didn’t look peaceful anymore, he looked like he was hurting and I couldn’t bear to think of him hurting. So they came and took him back, and he was gone. 
No one knows what this feels like unless they’ve been here. No one understands this. I hadn’t the first clue, COULDN’T have had the first clue, before this. It is an indescribable pain and one that I wouldn’t dare wish on another human being. It hurts that much, it hits that hard. It can knock the breath from me in an instant.   If I dare to move away from it, it seems like the pain hits with a vengeance.
I’m okay most of the time, but sometimes I’m just…not.  Next week will make two years.   I have a beautiful, amazing little girl here with me, who makes me smile every day, who brings light into my life and who has made my life worth living and has kept me going, kept me strong.  And I have a son.   My beautiful daughter has a twin brother and I have a son, who will always be acknowledged.  Always.  This is not something that will go away, he is no someone I will forget.  Yes, I have a new normal, but he will always be a part of me.
I will never understand why.  I think that’s one of the hardest parts.  I’ll never understand the whys of a little tiny baby who makes it almost to the end, almost ready to meet me, but then his little heart just stops beating.  I’ll never understand the logic of that in this universe, or the justification in the aspect of Gods will either.  I’ll never understand.  I’ve tried and I’ve tried, but I could ask myself “why” every day of my life and every day of my life I would answer “I don’t know”.   I don’t know why we had to struggle for so many years with what comes so easily for so many and I don’t know why, after all that, my sweet Logan had to die.   
The pain will always be a part of me. It’s a part of this person that I am now. And that’s okay….I’m not ashamed of it.  I’m a survivor.  I’m still here and I’m making it the best way I know how.  It is what it is.  It’s me.  If my pain or my story or my occasional tears make someone else uncomfortable for five minutes, then that’s their issue and not mine.  I live with this every day of my life.  Every single day. I am the one with a hole that will never, can never, be filled.  I am the one missing a child.  I am the one who is caught in a circle.  A circle you run in and can’t get out of…wanting what you can’t have, but what you’ll never be able to stop wanting. It’s not possible to stop wanting him back and it’s not possible to have him back. So I keep running in that circle and hold my daughter close to me and cling to what I have and what I know.  That I am a mother and that I have two children whom I love more than life itself.  Both of them.
You can contact her at laurabazar@yahoo.com

4 comments:

Jason & Vanessa said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I delivered conjoined twin girls on November 11th 2008 and they lived for an hour. I am so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your beautiful children with us.

Vanessa

Amanda said...

Many tears for you. Happy Birthday Ella AND Logan!

Danelle said...

I am so sorry about your loss. I lost two of my three triplets in June 2010. It's such a mix of emotions! I am so grateful for my daughter, Gemma, but feel such sadness for the loss of my boys, Elliot and Gabriel.

Tracey said...

Laura - you've so captured the gut-wrenching pain it is to lose a child. Heartbroken that you've lived through this, I'm sending so much love to you. Remembering Logan on his 2nd birthday, and sending many kisses and hugs to sweet Ella.

xoxox

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