Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Kristen

Mom to Angel Baby

Miscarried September 13th, 2010 at 13 weeks

Rochester, NY

We lost our precious baby on September 13, 2010. I was exactly 13 weeks pregnant. It was a Monday. It was 2pm. There was no heartbeat.  Life will never be the same. I haven't yet been able to go more than an hour without crying, regardless of where I am; home, restaurant, church, doesn't matter. There's never a shortage of tears. There's never a shortage of sadness. I loved that baby, I love that baby. I would have easily and without question given my life so that my baby could live. If only I'd had the option.

It’s been 3 weeks since my missed miscarriage.  Every day is a little easier but no less sad; no less frightening.  I continue to run the gamut of emotions-angry, sad, devastated, anxious, confused, hopeful, lonely…it depends on the moment.  Some days it’s still a chore to get out of bed; others it doesn’t even hit me until bedtime.  Most recently, my prominent emotions are anger and fear.  I’m still angry at my body for not carrying out its most basic function as a woman, to carry, nurture and birth a healthy baby.  And I’m ridiculously scared about the future; about the possibility of another miscarriage.  Scared that my body might be more broken than I can even imagine.

 
Despite all of the heartache, anger and fear… I am also so thankful. Thankful that I was given the gift of creating and carrying life, even if for a short while.  Thankful to discover that I can love so profoundly. Thankful to be a mother, even if it is to an angel baby, and to know that motherhood is every bit as wonderful as I imagined. Thankful that I have such an incredibly strong, loving and supportive husband (who also would have been an amazing daddy).  Thankful that I have been blessed with so many loving and caring friends and family who have said and done 'all the right things'. Despite all of my pain, despite suffering an unimaginable loss...I know I am still fortunate.

Kristen blogs at http://hopedeferred-kristen.blogspot.com/