Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Kathryn

Mom to Nathan Alin

Miscarried August 23rd, 2010 at 6 weeks 5 days

Edmonds, Washington

My name is Kathryn, I am 25 years old and I lost my baby Nathan at 6 weeks, 5 days on August 23, 2010. My pregnancy was completely unplanned and unexpected. I got pregnant as a result of a one-night stand with someone I barely knew. It was not my proudest moment and I agonized over the fact that my baby would grow up without a dad. But from the beginning I wanted my baby so much. I knew I was pregnant right away. I started dreaming about a little boy. I was so excited to become a mother. My family was not supportive of the pregnancy because I wasn’t married; it was really hard to have everyone receive my good news as bad.

Adding to the stress was the fact that I was so scared I wouldn’t be able to carry to term. My mom and both grandmothers suffered multiple miscarriages and infant losses. I don’t know if it’s genetic or not but I was always afraid it was going to happen to me too. August 23rd was the worst day of my life. I was getting ready to leave for my first doctor’s appointment of the pregnancy when I started feeling bad cramps. I had had some cramping before this but this time I also had a lower backache that wouldn’t go away. I went into the bathroom and saw blood on the tissue. It was bright red. I started hyperventilating and just sank to the floor and rocked back and forth praying that everything was okay. I knew it wasn’t. I eventually got up, called my mother to come with me to the doctor’s and somehow made it out the door. At the doctor’s office I was holding back tears as the nurse took my history. The doctor finally came in and did an exam, she said that it was likely that I was miscarrying but they were going to run a blood test to check my hormone levels. She said she would call me within the next two hours. My mom and I left the doctors and drove home; stopping at the grocery store for some soup and chocolate.  As I was walking back to the car after the store my phone rang. I answered and it was the doctor who told me my hormone levels had dropped, I was miscarrying. I just started crying and crying. My mother drove me home and I laid on the couch, bleeding and crying for the rest of the day.

 It was the worst day of my life. I felt betrayed by my body, I was so angry at my body for not keeping my baby safe and healthy. I felt like a failure at a mother. I was trying to do everything right, I was eating healthy, not drinking, I even gave up my coffee. I was devastated that there was nothing I could do to stop this. I was angry at God, why did he let this happen?  Why did he give me something wonderful and just snatch it away? I felt like I was being punished for not having my baby the “right way” with a husband and a marriage. What made it worse was so many of my family and friends told me that this was a good thing. That now I didn’t have to worry about being a single mother. That now I could focus on finishing school. I just wanted to punch them every time they said things like that. I wanted my baby; I wanted my Nathan from the moment I knew he was there!

What people don’t understand about miscarriage is that you have a relationship with your baby, even though they aren’t born yet. You love them, worry about them and want to protect them.  When your baby dies, inside of you or out it is completely devastating and heart wrenching. You don’t forget it. You are irrevocably changed. Before I got pregnant I had no idea how much I could love another person. I had no idea how completely and fundamentally my heart would change to become solely focused on this tiny life inside of me.  I had no idea that I would ever be so motivated to love someone.  After my miscarriage I felt empty. I still feel empty. There are days I just miss my baby. Miss him so much that it literally hurts my chest.  Every day I see something that reminds me of my baby and I have to remind myself that he’s not with me anymore. It is so hard because people don’t seem to remember my baby, I remember him every day. I don’t want to forget him. He is the best thing that ever happened to me.

You can contact Kathryn at kicsikati@gmail.com