Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Jennifer

Mom to Kristen McKenna

Became an Angel September 5th, 2008

Louisville,Tennessee

I was told for most of my teen and adult life that I would never be able to have children... This news broke my heart... The one thing in life that I always wanted to be was a mommy... I had given up all hope... After all I was almost 30 and beginning to think that maybe God's plans for me didn't include having children... 

My doctor thought that maybe she should start prepping me and preparing me for the worst... She put me on progesterone to stop my periods... For a while I was like ok they are doing their job... But I was really sick... Throwing up every morning... I asked the doc and she said that was normal... The pills were meant to do that... It simulates pregnancy .... Not to worry... I knew to trust her... After all it couldn't be anything else right??... Joke was on me... My boyfriend kept telling me that I was pregnant... I refused to believe him... He pressured me so much that I finally gave in and took a test... As soon as I peeded on the stick it turned bright pink... I was in disbelief... There was no way... Well 10 positive tests later I begin to believe that maybe just maybe my dreams were coming true...I went to the doctor and not only was I pregnant I was having twins.... OMG could this really be happening... I was thrilled... I just didn't know that my world was going to be turned upside down and that my heart would be forever broken...

I started spotting at 12 weeks and was rushed to the ER... They told me that ones of my babies was doing great... And that the other had a very slow heart rate... And that she was worry some for demise... Don't you just love the way they put things... So I went back to the doctor on Friday and watched them do another ultrasound to scan my little ones... My little boy was fighting and was strong but my little girl had lost the battle and we watched her little heartbeat for the very last time at 13 weeks... I never knew that your heart could break that bad and still function... I felt like dying... But knew for my baby boy's sake that I had to remain strong and fight with everything I had to keep him safe and sound until he was ready to join us... 

On April 7 at 1:49 am I delivered a healthy baby boy named Jayden Grey... He is my heart and my life... I can't imagine my life without him... But that day I also delivered my little girl's body... They wouldn't let me see her... She was just considered to be human tissue not my baby... The only thing I have of her are my ultrasounds which I had to fight for... They didn't want to give me pics of a non viable baby... Holding him I felt so lost... I knew he shouldn't have been alone... I was supposed to have another baby in my arms... I sit and look into his face everyday and wonder what would she have looked like... What would she be doing now and my heart breaks all over again... So I have made it my mission in life to raise awareness for our babies and make it known that our stories are not taboo... That our angels deserve to be remembered...

You can contact Jennifer at irishsunshine@charter.net