Friday, October 8, 2010


Janet
Mom to Sandy Rose and James Patrick
August 2nd, 2010
Lowell,  Massachusetts

My husband and I got married in Oct 2007.  We knew more than anything we wanted a family right away.  We also knew that we would probably have to get help to get that family.  For over two years we went through numerous IUI's and IVF cycles always ending in disappointment.  Then in Oct 2009 with our 3rd IVF cycle we got pregnant!  We couldn't believe it, finally we were going to start our family.  It quickly turned to disappointment again at our 7 week appt though as there was no heartbeat, so they gave it another week and still nothing, at 10 weeks we lost our first glimmer of hope of a family.  So we took a few months off and started again.  In March 2010, we went through our 4th IVF.  We got pregnant again and this time with TWINS and we saw two beautiful heartbeats!  It was love at first sight!  My husband and I were so excited, after so long of trying we were finally going to have our family and even better it would be with two babies!  
 
My whole pregnancy went great. I was feeling a little tired and nauseous but mostly I was just glowing with excitement!  Every appt we went to we felt more and more confident that we were finally having our dreams come true.  At my 20 week ultrasound, we got even more good news..we were having a boy and a girl!  We again felt so blessed because not only were we now 20 weeks pregnant, were going to have a son and a daughter!  That day we went out and did our registry, talked about what it was going to be like having them grow up together and told the whole world through phone calls, texts, emails, facebook..we were just amazed that after everything we been through we were finally going to have our perfect little family. It is all that we could have dreamed and hoped for!
 
On Sat July 31st (at 22w3d) I woke up feeling fine.  I went into the bathroom and saw what I thought "might" be my mucous plug. I wasn't sure though, this was my first pregnancy after all.  So I called the doctors office and they said I could just come in to get checked out.  So I went to Labor and Delivery, still feeling like I was ok.  That is when the nightmare started.  I was 3cm dilated and my membranes were bulging out.  They hooked me up on the machine and I was having some small contractions (that I couldn't feel).  So they gave me a shot to stop contractions and got on the phone with a hospital in Boston.  I was sent down for an ultrasound.  The babies both looked great, they were still growing and had great heartbeats.  Again I was thinking we are all going to be ok, I just might have to stay in the hospital on bed rest.  So then I got the news that they couldn't give me any more shots because it could mask an infection, they also couldn't do an emergency cerclage because of the contractions and because they didn't know if I had an infection.  So now it was just a waiting game, there was nothing they could do right now.  So I was spent the night and was sent down to a Boston Hospital by ambulance the next day. We met with a specialist and with the NICU pediatricians.  Again my hopes were going back and forth as to whether I could hold off, till these babies had a fighting chance.  If I could just hold off on bed rest for a few weeks or longer, they would have more of a chance of survival.  I was ready to stay there as long as I had to to keep them healthy!  I spent the next two days hopeful, that because I couldn't feel contractions and I didn't have a fever that I could stick it out in the hospital and we would all be ok.  Then Monday night I started to feel the contractions and they were more and more frequent.  We knew it was time.  Within a couple of hours I gave birth to my son and then 15 minutes later my daughter.  They both let out a cry when they came out, it was so heartbreaking.  I couldn't believe how beautiful and perfect they looked. We could even tell the differences they already had and that our son looked a lot like my husband.  We got to stay with them for about an hour just holding them, touching them, telling them we love them.  I still feels like it wasn't real. That whole night feels like a dream, then I see their picture and I know that they were real, that the night really happened. That night we got to meet our two beautiful amazing babies then had to say good bye to them.  We left the next morning, just in shock and numb.  I gave birth to our son and daughter but we weren't going to be able to bring them home with us. 
 
It's been over two months now.  I still think about them every day!!  I loved them so much from the moment I found out I was pregnant.  I treasured every moment that I was pregnant with them.  I miss the feeling of them moving around and kicking me, it was such an amazing feeling.  I am still in shock that I had these two beautiful children that I gave birth to and they are not with us now.  I miss them so much and just wish I could hold them both again.  I wish I was sitting here with them rocking them, cuddling with them, singing to them.  I feel like our hopes and dreams of our future with them were ripped from us. We were so excited about our future with them and now we don't have that.  We will never see them smile at us, laugh, take their first steps, say their first words, tell mommy and daddy that they love them, kiss them good night, we won't see them growing up, going to school, getting married.  We were so looking forward to all of that with them. 

9 comments:

Michele said...

Your story reminds me a lot of my own, even though my first twins were born a few weeks prior gestationally. If you ever want to talk, please dont hesitate to email me or stop by.
Michele
mylifeafterloss.blogspot.com

Ourboys2010 said...

We lost our twin sons on August 4th, 2010. I was 19 1/2 weeks pregnant. We lost them to incompetent cervix with no warning. I understand your pain, and the pain of loosing twins. I am also an IVF patient and the boys were our third try.

If you ever want to talk or anything please do. I am around. God bless you and bring you peace.

ourboys2010.blogspot.com
ourboys2010@yahoo.com

Cynthia said...

Thank you for blessing me with your story. I am honored to know it.

Trena said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my twin boys on August 15, 2010 at 22 weeks 1 day, due to Incompetent Cervix. We had no warning. My water broke while I was sleeping. I know your pain too well. *hugs* Thank you for sharing your story, such a brave thing to do.

"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world."

If you ever need to talk, or just have someone there to listen, please, feel free to e-mail me.

raindrops9276@yahoo.com
my blog - www.trena-freetofly.blogspot.com

wishing you peace ♥

mommy4boys said...

I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our twins June 1 and 2 due to TTTS. I am just so sorry. If you ever want to talk feel free to email me or contact me through my blog
cearls81@yahoo.com
earlstwins.blogspot.com

Thank you so much for sharing your story.

Carrie Earls

Danelle said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your twins. I gave birth to triplets on June 2, 2010 at 23 weeks gestation due to an incompetent cervix. We lost our boys 3 and 4 days later. We are lucky enough to still have our daughter with us today. I share your sadness!

Butterfly843 said...

So sorry for your loss. I lost my b/g twins at 19 weeks in november due to an ic. I also did ivf, if you ever need to talk you can contact me at butterfly843@aol.com

Trisha said...

I also lost my twins to IC - and have since received a permanent transabdominal cerclage. I assumed my cervix wouldn't handle a traditional TVC and we are also prone to conceiving multiples via injectable/IUI protocol. I have lots of info in my blog about the TAC procedure (but please be aware that it mentions my current pregnancy) - http://tacbaby.blogspot.com (((((((HUGS)))))))))) Trisha

Janet said...

Thank you all for your comments. Right now I am still a bit in shock that I won't be bringing my babies home next month. Right now I should be finishing up their room and getting ready for them. Instead I am no longer pregnant and picking out Urns for their ashes. It is nice to know that I am not alone in this though. Noone ever talks about losses and you never know much about pregnancy loss until it happens to you!

Post a Comment

Related Posts with Thumbnails