Friday, October 22, 2010

Mom of Graicen Edward
Born Still on June 2, 2008
Overland Park, KS
I will never forget the morning that I found out that I was pregnant with Graicen. My husband and I had been married for 2 years and we were both getting ready to graduate from college. He was working nights and I had noticed that for about 3 nights in a row I had gotten up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, which was very odd because I never had done that before. I knew that we hadn’t been very careful and so I knew there was a chance that I could be pregnant so the next day I bought a set of 2 pregnancy tests and decided that I would take one the next morning. That night I woke up at 2:00a.m. to use the restroom and decided I would take a test just because I had them there. Well those 2pink lines showed up immediately and I sat there on the toilet in shock. I couldn’t get to the phone quick enough to call my husband. When I screamed into the phone that I was pregnant, the other end went silent and then he actually realized what I had said and he just said “no way.” Well I waited up for him to get home and when he did we both laid there in silence holding each other with smiles on our faces from ear to ear. We decided that we would wait until I was 12 weeks along to tell everyone because we had a few friends who had just miscarried and we didn’t want to tell everyone and get them so excited only to have that feeling taken from us. Little did we know that our lives were going to be changed forever from this pregnancy?

We had our first ultra sound and at first we thought there were two sacs and my husband and I just looked at each other while thinking “uh oh.” But there was only one and one little baby in there with its little heart beating away. What a sigh of relief, we knew that there was a chance that when we got in there that the baby may not have a heartbeat. I had the picture perfect pregnancy with no morning sickness, no sore breasts, I wasn’t tired, etc. We went ahead and scheduled our next appointment and when we went everything still looked great and sounded great that was at 13 weeks. My due date was set for September 29, 2008. My blood pressure was low and I was gaining weight at a healthy rate. We began talking about names on our ride home to tell our family that we were going to be parents. We told our parents by giving them gifts and I will never forget the joy on everyone’s faces when we shared the wonderful news. My mom had been waiting to become a grandma and that was all that she wanted was to have grandchildren that she could spoil, love lots, and spends time with. Over the summer my husband was doing an internship close to our hometowns so we moved back home over the summer,he was also coaching baseball over the summer. I was going to be in a wedding for my best friend the first weekend of June so we went out for her bachelorette party on June 1, I was the designated driver of course and everyone else decided to stay the night at our friend’s house but I wanted to drive home and sleep in my own bed. This would be the last night that I got to feel my baby kick me, roll around, and wake me up in the middle of the night.
The next morning I woke up feeling like I needed to use the restroom so I got up and tried going but I couldn’t. I thought to myself “oh great now the pregnancy symptoms are going to start showing up.”Well as the morning proceeded I started to cramp and feel like I really need to go to the bathroom so I tried again and nothing. My husband was at a baseball tournament so I called my mom and asked her if this was normal and she told me that I shouldn't’t be cramping at all. She decided to come get me and take me to the hospital. We called my husband on the way and he got there at the same time as we did. I walked up to labor and delivery where the nurses met me; they decided to start an IV and hooked me up to monitors so they could see the baby’s heartbeat. At this point we still didn’t know the sex we were going to find out the next day at my 23 week appointment. The nurse said she thought I was just dehydrated and started me on fluids. She left the room and I started to feel so much better, but within seconds I felt like I was peeing my pants and I asked my husband if I was when he looked all I heard was “oh god Hope.” Those words will never leave my memory he sounded so scared, he ran out of the room to get the nurse. She came running back in and they began to strip me down and that is when I saw all the blood that I had lost. The doctor came in and they decided to transport me to a hospital that was 45 minutes away that had a NICU. I rode in that ambulance for 45 minutes thinking to myself “Is my baby going to be ok? am I going to die? I knew that the doctor was considering a life flight to get me to the hospital because of the time it would take to get to the hospital and I was still losing blood. When we arrived at the hospital my whole family was waiting for me, they all stood by my side as I was taken out of the ambulance. They took me straight to labor and delivery. When they hooked me up to monitor sour baby’s heart was still beating strong, the doctor decided to give me some medicine for pain and wanted to wait until the morning to decide anything. They gave me some steroids hoping that would help our baby develop but late that night things took a turn for the worst. I was in and out of it, they were starting to get worried about me, and so they said it’s either you or the baby? How does a mother do this? Well I was on so many drugs and go in and out that they decided for me and took me immediately for a C-section. Graicen Edward was born still on June 2, 2008.
When I woke up after my C-section, I could hear people crying but my eyes wouldn’t open. When they finally opened I knew that my baby didn’t make it. My dad was by my side holding my hand and just sobbing, I looked at my mom who was on the other side of me crying. My husband walked over to meand told me that we had a baby boy but he was too early and didn’t make it. I laid in my hospital bed thinking “how did he not make it, babies aren’t stillborn anymore, that is something that happened along time ago but not anymore.” The nurses came in and asked if we would like to hold our baby, at first I said “no,” but then after my family talked to me I realized that I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t. When they placed him in my arms, I began to cry even harder because he looked just like his daddy, he weighed 2 lbs and 9 oz and had dark hair. Everyone held him and kissed him, Chance and I hadn’t decided on a name yet so everyone left us to do so, we had talked about Graicen but Chance wasn’t too sure about it but the more we talked about it, it just seemed to fit. I remained in the hospital for 3 more days because they wanted to find out what had happened. We found out that I have Factor5 which is a blood factor that can cause late term miscarriages and blood clots. My placenta abrupted because of a blood clot. The day I was released from the hospital was tough because I knew I was leaving the place where I got to hold my baby and I wouldn’t get to see him ever again. That night I was admitted back to the hospital because I was chilling and running a high fever but was released the next day at noon. Graicen’s funeral was that next day and we had so many friends and family there with us to say good bye to our precious angel that we never got a chance to meet.
I struggled for so long with the “why me?” I had 2 friends inform me that they were pregnant within 2weeks of loosing Graicen, that was very hard to deal with but I was also very happy for them too. I still to this day struggle with the “whys.” I will never know why our baby boy was taken from us but on my due date of September 29th, my husband and I found out that we were expecting again. We welcomed Landon Joseph into the world 2 months early on April 19, 2009. I had the exact same thing happen again to me with the cramping and urge to use the restroom but I knew to get to the hospital immediately and while hooked up to a monitor at the hospital Landon’s heartbeat dropped very quickly and they took me in for a C-section and Landon’s umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck also. But he came out screaming and crying, so my husband knew this time our outcome would be different. We cannot wait to meet our baby boy someday but we know that we have the most amazing guardian angel looking out after his little brother! We love you baby boy and think of you every day.
I’ll Love you forever
I’ll like you for always
As long as I’m living
My baby you’ll be
Hope can be contacted at


Christine Wright said...

I will remember your precious angel in heaven. My favorite book I read to Emma Gayle was the same that you put on the bottom of your story. Even after we are gone HE will still be your baby. GOD BLESS YOU and may HE bring you so much joy in your new little guy!

Victoria said...

I too delivered my children as stillborns due to placental abruption and Factor 5 Leiden mutation. I am so sorry to hear of your loss and glad to hear of your blessing. I too was blessed by another child. My son AJ was born @ 26 weeks. He is what gets me through.

Nicole said...

I am so glad you had the courage to write this story. I know it took so much for you to relive and tell the details that happened. I know that I will never forget it either. I know your strength has carried me through my own loss and it helps me keep the faith that in time, good things will happen to those that are broken-hearted. I am so glad we are cousins and have that support for each other. Love u and Graicen.

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