Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Mom to
Caseylynne Marie November 25th, 2004
Jacob Alexander September 2005
Rebekah Elizabeth Faith October11th, 2008
and Gabriel Andrew April 12th, 2009 (Easter Sunday) 
Des Moines, Iowa

In 2004 my husband and myself were just married and had planned on having a baby right away.  So you can imagine how happy we were when the test was positive.  We felt such joy in our hearts, we went right out and got baby stuff.  We wanted this baby to have everything we could give to it.  We had planned on telling every one around Christmas-- we had made a baby tshirt that said "Hi grandpa" Coming in 2005-- my due date was July 4th, just 1 day before my husbands so it made it even more exciting.  My dad knew that I was preggy somehow.  He told me to name it Casey if it was a girl.  Sadly, on 11/23/04 my dad died of a heart attack at age 49.  I was with him.  The stress was way too much on me.  Two days later on 11/25/04 at the funeral home, planning dad's funeral, I started to bleed in the bathroom.  I felt very a scared and I knew what was going on right then and there I had a miscarriage.  I was around 3 to 4 weeks along.  To honor my dad I named the baby Casey and I added Lynne after dads middle name, so she became Caseylynne Marie.

I felt such guilt. I felt like I did something wrong, like this was my fault.  I had lost my little baby, our 1st baby.
In 2005 I had learned I was preggy again but this happened way too fast.  I had a very early miscarriage and didn't have time to think. I was still hurting over my dad and 1st baby's death, so I put this on the back burner and it wasn't until last year that I knew I had to deal with the loss.  We felt it was a boy and named him Jacob Alexander.  He was lost in SEP of 2005

We had tried to have another child but it did not come so easy as the 1st two so we went on a drug called clomid, but it messed my periods and my body up we went off this and tried on our own. In 2008 I was happy to learn I was again having a baby.

Yet I had mixed feelings.  I did not know what to feel, I was happy but very a scared.  I wanted this baby... I ended up very sick, a lot of morning sickness hit me.  Foods I once loved made me throw up. I seemed to throw up and be very sick with this baby unlike the other babies. I could feel small movements in me, not a lot but small movements.  Some say you can't feel the baby early on but I know I felt her.

On 10/11/08, I started to bleed.  I had a lot of bad cramping and I just knew where this was going.  I knew that my baby was leaving me. I went to the bathroom and out popped something ( I new it was her ).  It went down the pipe and without even thinking I flushed.  The guilt I feel about this is one that may never leave me even today.  I lost my 3rd baby, I was 3 months along and felt it to be a girl and named her Rebekah Faith Elizabeth.  I still had no answer as to why I had lost my babies. I felt guilt.  I felt like I had done something to make this happen.  My body was supposed to keep them safe but instead I had lost them.  I felt all alone with no family support...

I ended up preggy again-- happy but a scared.  I wanted this baby more then anything in the world as I wanted the 1st three.  I prayed for God to allow me to keep this one. The morning sickness kicked in and the throwing up.  The smell of some stuff got to me.  As each week passed, I was happy, but truly I didn't want to tell anyone until I made it to my 4th month.  That was my goal.  The day before Easter Sunday 2009 I felt some cramping but I felt fine.

But in the wee hours of Easter Sunday 2009 ( April 12th ), I felt a sharp pain in my lower tummy it was very painful and I started to bleed.  I did keep telling myself maybe everything was ok, maybe just maybe it would be ok.  At the same time I knew what was going on-- I knew I was about to lose our baby.  I had my husband call everyone to get a ride to the er as we had no car.

By 10 am I felt the need to PUSH, so one big PUSH I put my hand under me and there I was-- in shock-- my baby was in my hand.  I yelled hes got fingers and a hand.  My husband came running.  I said Gabriel and he said Andrew though you could not tell the gender we knew it was a boy.  He was small, he fit in to the palm of my hand.  He looked much like a clot but yet NOT.  He had an arm and hand 5 perfect little fingers. You could make out where his spine was growing and even see one of his eyes it was open.  He was not formed a lot at all.  I was almost 3 months so you can imagine how small my son was, though I gave birth to Gabriel, he was a miscarriage.

At the time of going to the Hospital, I found out I had a bleeding disorder.  I had the answers that I needed, the bleeding disorder I have makes it hard to get preggy, and if you do it makes it hard to carry a baby, most likely the baby will be lost before the 4th month.  My hopes of us having a baby were crushed.  I knew I could not have a baby.  I called Gabriel my Miracle because I saw him, I held him and I layed my son to rest though this was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. I would never trade him for the world.  I love all 4 of the babies I lost... each was wanted.

A year after I lost my son Gabriel, I found out I had uterine cancer.  A few days after Gabe's 1st birthday, I had surgery to remove the uterus, the tubes, the ovaries...everything.  Now my dreams of truly ever having a baby were GONE.  I am now in remission of my cancer but can never have a child on earth.  Gabe was a miracle in that I saw him.

All my babies are loved very much.  I had never had family support over any of this and still feel such a guilt deep with in my heart.  If someone asked me if you knew you would lose all 4 of them would you do it all over again to have that pain deep with in.

And my answer would be YES because my life is better having had them for a small while then to not have them at all.  They made me a mommy and who I am today.  Of course I would not choose to walk this life without them all to be born healthy, but I would never not have them, they are my world, my life, my 4 angels

The pain I feel deep in my heart is not easy.  I love my little angels.

Gabriel, Caseylynne,Jacob and Rebekah forever my little angels in heaven.

You can contact April at aunt2amiracle@yahoo.com


Amanda Hoyt said...

Oh April, my heart breaks for you.
Big hugs and many prayers,

Carolyn said...

OMG, {{{big hugs}}} Thank you for sharing your story..... because for some, despite the number of turns on the cosmic vending machine, one is never granted a living child, regardless of how many previous losses they have had, what great parents they'd make blah blah blah. I too have no living children (2 stillbirths - cord accident and the Trisomy 13, the miracle pregnancy after years of secondary IF misdx that turned into a nightmare)

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