Sunday, October 10, 2010

Mom to Ailynn Chevy
Born Sleeping September 12th, 2009
Mesa, Arizona

Last months of my junior year in high school I found out I was pregnant, yes I am a teen mom. Life for me truly changed when I say on the pee stick “Pregnant”, at that moment my heart broke and I just cried. This was the one thing that I never wanted to happen to me and it happened. There was no way I was going to tell my parents, they would kill me.  So as time went by I did not tell my parents anything. I was also a single teen mom to make things worse on me, the ex wanted an abortion and I was not going to do that so he left, and I told him to stay away from me and my baby. 

During the summer I hid my pregnancy to my best ability, when I would go swimming I would wear a shirt, always wear loose fighting t-shirts. But then my pants started not to fit and my boobs were busting out of my bra. I knew my mom was going to catch on but she did not, she just thought I was growing. 

Summer ended and I was in the clear of them not finding out, but school started and for some reason everyone knew. It’s like I had it written on my face “Pregnant” or something. I was not showing at all by then and no one knew so I was totally lost, until one of my friends pointed out that my boobs were huge and they could not of grown that much just by normal growth. I was like great everyone is looking at my boobs not me. 

So school was school until September; that’s when I finally had enough of keeping my secret from my parents, One night I went in my room totally upset, wrote my mom a note telling her I am pregnant and I am so sorry, told her to come in the room and read it. She sat there silent for what seemed like forever and then all of a sudden looked up at me and said “How could this of happened”, then I knew she hated me and wanted nothing to do with me. I was about to loss my mom. But she leaned over told me to stop crying and said everything will be okay, we will figure this out! Right then I knew my mom stilled loved me and everything would be okay. She told my dad right away which I was not very happy about because I surely did not want to tell him. 

That week that I told my mom she made a doctors appointment and it was suppose to be for friday but it got moved to a wednesday. I was really happy that I was finally gonna get to be able to hear my babies heart beat. Wednesday seemed to take forever to finally be. I told my boyfriend now (but then someone I liked) that right after the doctors I would have him come over to listen to the heart beat. But it did not go as planned. When I arrived at the doctor’s they made me pee in a cup and tested me to see if I was really pregnant, that seemed to take longer than it should of. Then they put me in a room, did the women exam and then told me about all the vitamins I could take and showed me the diaper bag I would be getting and everything; finally it was time to find the babies heart beat. The nurse took the doppler out and poured some jelly on my belly and started looking and looking and looking, every time I heard a heart beat she would say that’s mommy’s. I wanted to hear the babies! Were is the babies heart beat I kept asking my self! 

Then the nurse started asking me questions, “Are you sure you are four months, when was your last period,” Than she started thinking out loud, maybe the baby is smaller than we think. So she measured me and I was right were I should of been. Then she got real concerned and went and got the doctor. Right then I knew “something was NOT right”, I looked at my mom and lipped to her “Is everything out, is it bad that they cant find the heart beat?” 

Then the doctor came in with a mini-ultra sound machine, plugged it in and found the baby. She kept moving it around and around and then stopped in one spot and looked at me and said “I am so sorry, that’s were the babies heart is and there is no movement” I looked at my mom who was already in tears and I just started bailing my eyes out. How could my baby be dead, I just felt it a couple of days ago. I kept looking at the screen screaming my head “WAKE UP BABY, PLEASE do not be dead, PLEASE wake up” but nothing happened. My heart was tore apart and in pieces on the floor. 

The ride home from the doctor’s was horrible, it seemed to take forever. When we got home my dad did not even say anything but grab me and give my a long huge hug. I could hear my mom crying in the background, they wanted this baby has much as I did. I texted my boyfriend and told him the horrible news and he came over right after school and we just hugged, did not say words all we did was hug. 

The next day I had to go back to the doctor so I could talk about if I wanted to do a D&C or be induced into labor. I picked to be induced into labor so I could hold my baby and actually see it. I was in the hospital that thursday night, it would of been the 10th of September. The nurses started me on the medicine right away, my dad walked me around the hospital and visited a lot; my mom and my best friend Rebecca stayed in my room with me and my boyfriend visited a lot. The drugs finally started working on Friday, so I got an epidural and was on a ton of pain medication. Around midnight, my mom decided to get up and use the rest room at that time I was getting really bad contractions, so I told my mom to come sit on the bed with me and she did. We sat there and talking and she watched the screen as the contractions came and went. My best friend was asleep on the little bed they had in my room. Then at 12:20 I had a huge contraction and my water mom jumped for the nurse button and told the nurse that I call grandma nurse to come and come quick. My Grandma nurse came running in and looked under my sheet and she said “Oh my, we have a little gift under here too” I had a little baby girl! 

The nurse called the doctor in to get my placenta out and while that happened my baby girl was getting wrapped up in a blanket. My placenta did not want to come out because my body still thought I was pregnant. I had to have a D&C, I remember them throwing my legs up on those leg holders and starting right away. I started bleeding a ton so they had to hurry. Then out of no were I started going into anemic shock, I did not even know I was anemic. So my mom and the nurse had to keep me awake through the whole D&C and I wish I would of been asleep for it. After all of that and everything was cleaned up I finally got to hold my beautiful baby girl...I held her for hours falling in and out of sleep (the pain medicine made me sleepy), we took a lot of pictures and the nurse took her and dressed her up and took more pictures. My mom rocked her in a rocking chair and held her a lot too. Then we had her blessed and a prayer said for her. Then we all said our goodbyes, even though we did not want too and she was taken to go get cremated. I miss her so much! I stayed in recovery for two days and then was finally sent home, I stayed out of school for two weeks and went back after the second week, school was hard but I graduated. 

Life was confusing for a really long time. I was lost and did not know what to do, until Suzanne (a RN nurse at the hospital I delivered at) contacted me and wanted to know if I would talk to other teen moms and help them go through what I went through. I have been doing that and also I have talked at a nurse training program for nurses to learn about what to do with pregnancy loss and infant loss. I am taking my daughter’s story and using it to do good! I still hurt and cry a lot...but I want to make my daughter proud. 

I am a teen mom in Mesa, Arizona. My name is Amanda. My daughter was born sleeping on September 12, 2009. 

You can contact Amanda at


Jennifer said...

You are making your daughter proud... Thank you for sharing her story with us... My heartbreaks for you... I experienced my loss in my late 20's and I know how much it hurt me... I can't even imagine what you have been going through... Sending you tons of angel mommy love and hugs

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