Saturday, October 2, 2010

Mom to Poppy Seed
November 11th, 2009
Bellmore, New York

September 2009 we started to try to start a family. October 2nd we were surprised to get our BFP.  Peter and I were elated. I was shocked that it happened so quickly. We went through the next two weeks on cloud nine.  I loved that we had a secret that no one knew about.  I loved that I had someone growing inside me.  All I ever wanted was to be pregnant.  I always saw myself as a mother, but I mostly wanted to experience the creation of life.

October 16th we went away to our cabin upstate with friends and when they saw the small loft/play area my step-father had built for future grandkids, my BFF Melissa asked, "so when is there going to be a grandkid?"  Well, I don’t have the greatest poker face and let our secret out.  C’mon, when you’re excited about something you just want to shout it from the rooftop.

Well that excitement soon turned to fear when on October 19th only an empty sac was seen on the first ultrasound. The tech and my doctor felt that it was too early and I must have ovulated later than we thought. I ran the dates in my head and it could be possible, but not likely. But I kept that thought in my head and Peter and I kept going and started thinking of ways to tell our family (even though our Mom’s knew… his Mom knew as soon as turned down wine at their house) and how to turn our guest room into a nursery.

October 28th fear turned to sadness. I had a little bit of bleeding while I was getting ready for work. Peter had always said if there was a woman who could handle a miscarriage; it would be me because I'm so strong (he was worried about his sister who was also pregnant). Well, I was alone, and I lost it. I barely had enough air in my lungs to call the doctor's office. My poor Oreo did all he could to make me feel better. I swear animals can sense when we need them most. I gathered enough strength to get dressed and drive to the doctor's office. I wasn't bleeding anymore just some light brown spotting so there was still a glimmer of hope. I sat in the chair for an ultrasound and I was prepared for what I saw… an empty sac. It was explained to me that it was a blighted ovum. An egg was fertilized and started to develop, but after implantation it stopped.

The doctor wasn't in so the nurse left her a note to call me. I was actually OK while in the office, but as soon as I walked out that door and into the rain, the tears started falling. I didn't know what to do, where to go, who to talk to, nothing. I called Peter and told him that there was no baby and I was going to my Mom's. I drove the 20 minutes to her house to find that she wasn't home. All I wanted to do was crawl in bed with her. I cried the whole way home (including having to pump gas – it was ok to self-serve now, there was no baby). As soon as I got home I curled up on the couch with Oreo and if I wasn't sleeping I was stunned into silence. If there was ever a day when I knew for sure that I wanted a family; that was the day.

Nothing like having your hopes and dreams smashed on a brick wall to make you realize that you do not hold life's steering wheel. It was as if God was telling me, "Nuh uh, you don't make the plans I do. You'll be a mother, but not just yet." That's a hard pill to swallow since I'm such a planner and getting pregnant in September meant that my due date would be in June… a month that the Bruno's needed to be joyous after the loss of both grandparents in June of 2007 and 2008.

Fast forward to November 5th...
Since the bleeding was non-existent and the miscarriage wasn't happening naturally, we opted for a D&C. It was scheduled for November 11th. I wasn't worried or scared, I just wanted the process to be over and start fresh.

Looking back on my miscarriage, I wonder if it was in fact a blighted ovum.  Should I have gotten another ultrasound before the D&C?  Should I have waited just a little longer?  Was it because of my tilted uterus that a baby couldn't be seen?  I did ask the tech during the first ultrasound that if my tilted uterus has anything to do with the baby not being seen.  She didn't seem to think that it was an issue.  Was my bleeding that morning just a freak thing?  I mean, I didn't bleed after that.  It was just that one time.  All these questions, and I'll never know the answer.  I know I can't torture myself like this, but it's inevitable. 


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