Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Twyla

Mom to Joshua William Varley, Miscarried on May 21st, 2010 at 7:30am 

And Bentley James Varley, Miscarried on May 21st,  2010 at 9:00am

Toronto, Ontario, Canada

My pregnancy wasn't planned but I couldnt have been more excited, scared out of my mind, but so excited and so in love with my baby from the second I found out.. (I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mom). Everything went well, I had bad nausea but other than that not a bad pregnancy at all. My first US was scheduled for May 18th 2010 ( i would have been almost 18 weeks) but on May 17th, my water broke. I went to the hospital and they sent me home after simply telling me to come back for an ultrasound the next day.

Went back to the hospital on may 18th and they did the ultrasound, and told me my amniotic fluid levels were VERY low, but that THEY seemed to be doing ok. THIS is how I found out I was carrying twins.... they didnt do anything and sent me home again so I went to another hospital, they took blood and gave me another ultrasound and gave me antibiotics then sent me home to be on strict bedrest.

Two days later, early morning on May the 21st I woke up shivering so bad I was pretty much convulsing, I had a fever of 103.8... so I got my parents to take me straight to the hospital. once I got there they took blood and hooked me up to a whole bunch of stuff and took me for my quickest ultrasound yet... so I knew before the doctor came back to tell me... my babies were gone.

The on call obstetrician then proceeded to tell me that because of the infection, I needed to deliver them as soon as possible otherwise I could be in extreme danger of.. well... yeah.

I had already started having contractions though, and had been having them for about 2 hours at this point. When the doctor left the room I turned to my boyfriend ( who had no left my side or let go of my hand this ENTIRE time) and said I think I have to go to the bathroom... so he unhooked my IV and walked me into the washroom where I sat down and ... apparently they're not kidding when they say the pressure you feel is quite similar to you having to go to the bathroom... the baby popped out and was just hanging there. I WAS HYSTERICAL. I was a complete mess. It just... shook me. The doctor and nurses were saying you need to come back to the bed and I was like I CANT . THERE is a BABY hanging out of me. This is so gross... this is so wrong... I was just a mess... so I tried walking to the bed and the umbilical cord must have snapped under the pressure and my precious little baby boy fell onto the floor.... I made it to the bed and just was still a complete mess... I ended up throwing up from the pure shock of it.

They transferred me to labour and delivery then, and I met my OBGYN for the first time. she was AMAZING. absolutely AMAZING ... like can't even put into words how amazing she is. we delivered the second baby and the placenta and I had to stay in the hospital for a couple days, hooked up to IV for antibiotics to make sure the infection was gone so I didnt lose my uterus.

WORST experience of my life. I can't help but wonder if things would have been different if my family doctor had given me an ultrasound when I first found out I was pregnant. Her rationalization was you're young and healthy there is no reason to do one until you're like 18-20 weeks. Well if they had have done one, they would have known I was carrying twins and I would have been a highrisk pregnancy and maybe they might have caught the infection sooner. but I know there is no point dwelling on the what might have been, but it's so hard.

The hardest thing was coming home from the hospital and having to tell people, and having these ROCK hard boobs that leaked and leaked and leaked and just reminded me that i SHOULD have babies... it broke my heart.

Forever loved. 05.21.2010. Joshua and Bentley, Mommy's little angels ♥

You can contact Twyla at tee-lynn@rogers.com