Thursday, September 2, 2010

Mom to twin boys Bryston Gabriel and Colton Joseph
Born and passed on August 15th, 2010 at 22 weeks, 1 day
Camby, IN

I am blessed with two amazing daughter's. Tianna, who was born in 2005 and Aubrianna, who was born in 2008.

In 2009 I went to the doctor because I wasn't having my period. It had been over 3 months at that time. After doing some tests I was diagnosed with PCOS. Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. We weren't ready to have another child at that point so I started taking the birth control pill and my periods came back and became regular. In February of 2010, my husband and I decided that we wanted to start trying for our third child. We were told that it could take a year or more to get pregnant and that we may even need fertility treatments. On April 10, 2010 I took a pregnancy test. I was not expecting it to come back positive, but it did! We were in shock. We conceived in a little over a month and without any medical help. On May 4, 2010 my husband and I went in to have an ultrasound done. We were told that we were 7 weeks 3 days pregnant and that there were two babies!

We were in shock to say the least. But both of us were so excited. I had an ultrasound 2 weeks later and then once a month after that.

Everything was going great. We found out that both babies were boys and we seriously could not have been happier. We would have our 2 girls and our 2 boys. Our perfect little family.

On August 11, 2010 I was 21 weeks 4 days. I went in for my monthly ultrasound and check up. The doctor said the boys were doing fantastic and that they were growing wonderfully. I was gaining weight and everything was right on track. We made plans for another appointment in 4 weeks and then after that I would be seen every 2 weeks.

But that next appointment would never come.

My world would come crashing down on me.

Saturday, August 14, 2010 -

My husband picked up some hours at work. But we had made plans to go out to dinner that night. He picked up my mom on his way home from work that day. She would be staying at our house to watch our girls and just spend the night.

Shawn and I went out to dinner. We had planned to go see a movie but dinner ran a little late so we decided to do a little shopping. We went to a few stores, got some things for our girls and bought the boys some clothes. We were actually looking at car seats and double strollers.

We came home that night and talked with my mom a little bit. She was planning a baby shower for me and was talking about it with us.

Shawn and I go to bed a little after 11:00 p.m that night. I felt the boys kicking as I fell asleep.

I'm not exactly sure of the time but it was somewhere between 1 and 1:30 a.m.

I wake up and I feel wet. I think it is a dream at first but as I become more alert I realize that I actually am wet. My first thought then was, "did I pee the bed?" I started feeling around and myself and the bed were soaked. I jumped out of bed and turned on the light. Shawn instantly woke up and said, "what's wrong?" I just kept yelling, "why am I all wet!?" over and over again.

I ran to the bathroom and he ran to wake my mom up. They both came running into the bathroom. I pulled down my pants and a little gush of water came out. I wiped and there was blood. Shawn grabbed the phone and called 911. At this point I was on the bathroom floor. Shawn ran downstairs to meet the EMT's. My mom was in the bathroom with me and I just remember telling her, "I can't have these babies yet. It's too early, please God, I can't have my babies yet."

The EMT's came and after a few minutes of checking me out they carried me downstairs and into the ambulance.

We decided it would be better to go to a hospital that was closer to our house instead of the hospital where I planned to deliver at. While in the ambulance I started to feel pressure and the urge to push. I was so scared. We made it to the hospital and as the EMT's were taking me down the hallway to the maternity floor I remember yelling, "I feel something coming out!" The nurse pulled back the sheet and saw that Bryston (twin A) was crowning.

They had already paged the on call doctor at this point and he was on his way. But there was no time to wait. Bryston Gabriel was born at 2:03 a.m. Weighing just under a pound and measuring about 12 inches long.

Colton's (twin B) bag of water immediantly started to come out but the nurse held it in until the doctor could get there. Meanwhile, doctor's were working on Bryston. He came out fighting and trying to breathe. They hooked him up to the ventilator.

At this point the doctor comes in and I'm answering questions and it just seems like a million things are going on. He does an ultrasound and tells me that Colton does have a heartbeat. Colton's bag of water had not ruptured yet but he had already moved into the vagina so the doctor broke my water. Colton's feet (he was breech) come through the cervix but the rest of his body was not.

They give me Pitocin to get my contractions stronger but it wasn't working fast enough and I was losing a lot of blood (I lost half my bodies blood supply and had to have several blood transfusions). The doctor tells me that if I want my son to be born alive that I need to have an emergency c-section. It wasn't even something we had to think about. Shawn and I looked at each other and told the doctor to do what had to be done to save our son.

They take me back to the OR and by this time the Pitocin has kicked in and my contractions are very intense and painful. Colton still wasn't coming down though. They give me a shot to stop my contractions but it doesn't work. As we are waiting for the anesthesiologist to arrive the doctor gives me some pain medicine through my IV.

Then I am put to sleep.

Colton Joseph was born at 3:50 a.m. Weighing a pound and measuring about 12 inches long.

I wake up in my room and I felt as though I had been hit by a truck. I had no clue as to how long I was asleep or what time it was or anything. I remember a nurse coming in and putting a hospital band on my wrist. I must have looked confused because she said, "this is for your baby" I remember saying, "baby? you mean babies." She didn't say anything. I'm not sure how much time passed but Shawn came into the room. My first question was, "is he alive?" Shawn started to cry and told me that, no, Colton had passed.

I can not even begin to tell you how I felt. I wanted to die.

Colton lived for 70 minutes. They said he was born with a heartbeat but that he was just not strong and didn't even try to breathe on his own. Shawn got to hold him while he was still alive though, which I am so thankful for.

They brought Colton in to me. I was holding my sweet angel. The doctor's came in to tell us that they had tried everything (they brought pediatricians from another hospital and more equipment) but Bryston just wasn't strong enough. They had him on life support but that he wasn't going to make it. We had to make the decision to keep him on life support or take him off. We did not want him to suffer any longer.

They brought Bryston into us. I got to hold him and feel him move in my arms for the last 30 minutes of his life. I thank God for that time I had with my sweet baby. We had both the boys baptized.

Bryston lived for 5 1/2 hours.

They are saying the cause is incompetent cervix. I carried both my daughter's to 37 weeks. But the pressure of two babies was just too much.

I am still in a state of shock. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm broken.

I want my sons back. I feel cheated.

I think about them every second of every day. Breaking the news to my daughter's was the most difficult thing to do. Aubrianna is young and doesn't really know what is going on but Tianna will talk about them...about how she was going to teach them to play soccer. She says she misses them and has cried for them a few times. It breaks my heart.

We had the boys cremated and had a memorial service for them.

I don't know if this pain will ever go away. I don't think it will. Maybe it will ease a bit but something will always be there, tugging at my heart.

The ones that are truly helping me through this are my husband, he is my rock, and my little girls. If it wasn't for them...I don't know what state of mind I would be in right now.

I know one day I will see my boys again. Until then though, I'm going to do what I can to keep their memory alive and let people know that even though you see us as a family of 4, we are really a family of 6. I am the mommy to four. My two girls and my two sweet angels.

"there is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world"

Trena blogs at Free to Fly
You can contact Trena at


Bethany said...

Awww Trena... I just read this for the first time. Even though I've read your blog, this still made me cry. I'm so very sorry for the loss your family has suffered. (((HUGE hugs)))

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