Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Mom to Baby Lost to Miscarriage on August 20th, 2009 at 8 weeks 6 days
Mom to Baby Lost to Miscarriage on July 4th, 2010 at 7 weeks 4 days
Wainfleet, ON

We found out we were expecting our first little one on Aug 1 2009. We were so excited. We had only been off the pill a short time and didn't expect it to happen so fast. We knew we wanted to start a family soon after our October 3, 2009 wedding so we were thrilled to be expecting even before that. From the minute we found out I was so in love with the life growing inside me. I just couldn't wait for him or her to arrive. Just a few weeks later I started having severe cramps and spotting and for some reason I just knew something was wrong. We headed to the ER where I was admitted and looked after in the labour and delivery ward. The next day our worst nightmare became a reality. They couldn't find a heartbeat or fetal pole on the ultrasound and my betas were dropping from the initial ones from earlier on. We lost our first little bean on Aug 20 2009 at 8 weeks 6 days. It truly felt as if the world was ending. Everything I had hoped and dreamed for was being ripped from us. We threw ourselves  into planning the rest of our wedding. It wasn't until after the wedding that we really started to grieve and process the loss. It took months and months of longs talks, lots of tears and some counseling to be able to face each day without complete and utter grief.

We continued to try to get pregnant with no luck. We had scheduled an appointment with my doctor to start the process of testing and finding out why it had been 9 months since the loss and a year and 3 months of trying and we still weren't pregnant again. And then on July 1st I took a home pregnancy test and we found out we were expecting a sibling for our angel baby. We were cautiously excited. Again we were instantly in love with the little life growing inside me. Then on July 4th I started spotting - not just light spotting but heavy spotting with cramps and severe pain. So once again we headed to the ER to find out that we were losing our second beautiful baby. Another ultrasound and blood work once again confirmed that we were saying goodbye to our second bean at 7 weeks 4 days. The pain and heartbreak of the second loss is indescribable. How could this possibly be happening to us again? What did we do to deserve this? How would we get through this again? Well, each day is a new day and there have been plenty of tears, lots of heartfelt talks, hugs and more tears, but our love and strength is getting us through this second loss just as it did our first.

We have our days of pure and utter disappointment, of feeling like we may never get the family we long for. We have our days where we feel strong and ready to try again. We have days and moments of anger - why is this happening to us? It just doesn't seem fair. We have days where we feel blessed because we have had the opportunity to have 2 beautiful angels and share our story with others. But most of all not a day passes that we don't think of the 2 beautiful angels we lost. I don't think I will ever not think of them. They are my first 2 babies and though I can't carry them in my arms, I carry them in my heart each and every day, everywhere I go.

We have begun more testing and we are suspected of having a septate uterus - which means I have  a band of tissue called a septum running down the middle of my uterus. I have to have an MRI and an HSG to get a better look at it and see if that is indeed what I have. If it is they can do surgery to remove the septum. If not then it is bicornuate and they will treat that. Either way we have a very long road ahead of us to get the family we have always dreamed of. As trying as this journey is I am blessed to share it with the most wonderful man who is my support, my rock, my shoulder to cry on, my best friend, my soul mate and the love of my life. Our relationship has grown so much through all of this and I know we can, and will, face anything that comes our way.

In the beginning I felt like a victim but I refuse to be a victim. I will not allow miscarriage to ruin my life. Yes it is a part of who I am and I have suffered but I am picking up the pieces one day at a time and I am sharing my story with others to bring a face to pregnancy loss. I want people to know about pregnancy loss and that it is nothing to be ashamed of - I am not ashamed. We are survivors and we will survive and fight to make our angel babies proud!

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