Thursday, September 30, 2010


Stephanie
Angel Baby 
July 2nd, 2009
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Funny thing life is...

May 28, 2009. The 14th anniversary of my dad's death. The preceding few months were extremely difficult for me emotionally. However, I am aware that life throws unexpected curveballs all the time and no matter how difficult they may seem, I always know I will come out on the other side. That day, I received some answers.

I stopped off at Rite-Aid after dropping my 9 year old son, at school that morning and while I was in the store, I received a text message from a dear friend that simply said, "Thinking about you today and the legacy of your dad's life."

Little did she OR I truly know how right she would be about that legacy....
  I found out that day I was pregnant!

I told my fianc√©, now husband, and he was surprised, but excited! I, on the other hand, was very cautious and not quite sure how I felt yet. We had been through so much stress the previous 2 ½ years surrounding custody of his 5 year old daughter and I wasn’t certain how I felt about bringing another life into that chaos. So, I struggled internally with already loving this life inside me created WITH the love of my life and the potential drama this baby would endure being IN our lives and I truly didn’t want to do that to another human being. It was an awful mixed-up feeling that I went through for a couple weeks.

I called immediately and scheduled our 1st doctor appointment. June 10, 2009.

I was thrilled about this baby by the time we had our 1st appointment --FINALLY!

We hadn't told our parents or the kids yet, trying get used to the idea ourselves and work out a lot of our own details with our plans for our future.

 
We found out our due date was January 26, 2010! Seemed so weird that ANYTHING could be happening in 2010 already at that point.

Nothing unusual for the first doctor visit --pelvic exam, the usual "wow, your cervix is really deep" comment, due date, baby information galore --which I appreciate since it was 10 years ago that I was pregnant. Speaking of that, there's a term for people my age --"Advanced Maternal Age (AMA)" haha! As a result they do some different genetic testing --earlier in 1st trimester. So on July 9, I scheduled to go in for some 1st trimester genetic testing . Then back to the doctor for a regular visit on July 13th.
  We're having a baby!  Yippee!
 

That was the sentiment I left with that day ---pure overwhelming joy.

We decided, after our appointment, to tell everyone on Father’s Day, June 21st.

 

We figured out the bedroom for the baby, figured out our wedding plans and timeline and we were ready to have this baby!
 

July 1, 2009. I noticed some brown discharge when I wiped after going to the bathroom. Panic immediately set in. I called my doctor who had me come for an exam. My cervix was closed which was a good sign. She said she did see some brown discharge which signified “old blood” and it was good that it was brown. Since I was in no pain and everything looked normal, she didn’t send me up for an ultrasound immediately, but scheduled one for the next morning.

I didn't blog after my appointment....looking back on it, at the time I felt if I committed my fears to writing they'd be true. I prayed and had faith.

 

July 2, 2009. That morning I went to the doctor's office for an ultrasound to check on the baby and make sure everything was ok. The ultrasound technician was a sweet girl -- I felt terrible that she gets to share in such amazing times in women's lives and also be the bearer of such sadness as well.

Our baby didn't have a heartbeat. I was 10 weeks, 5 days pregnant, yet the baby measured at 8 weeks with no heartbeat. I was heartbroken.
 

Like I said a month or more ago, funny thing life is. I wasn't entirely ready for this pregnancy at first and it took some adjusting, but I absolutely was ready for this --mine and George's baby. We had already talked about logistics about our house, looked at baby things, discussed our future and our timeline, shared the news with our children...

We were both sad and disappointed, but had faith. I don't know how people survive without it, really. As sad as I felt, I know that there is a reason. We were given a huge positive in our lives with this baby and we both still feel that way now.

 

That Friday night and through all day Saturday was the hardest night/day of my entire life...

Since I wasn't experiencing anything "naturally" by way of miscarrying, I opted for the medicine intervention instead of the surgical intervention. Which simply means, I was able to be home and in my own space to have this loss occur. I have a lot of mixed emotions about it and like I said it was the hardest night of my entire life --physically. I pray we never have to go through anything like that again.

My husband is one who needs to work on a project and physically be doing something when he's upset, so after our ultrasound Thursday, he worked on the boat and Friday daytime, he and my son went fishing which was so good for them. They were home with me Friday night when everything started with me and all day to take care of me.

 

I couldn't have asked for better help. I sent my husband to the store early morning, I needed something to eat --he'd get it, I needed pain medicine and something to drink --I didn't ask twice. Like I said, when he's upset he needs to be working on something with his hands to stay busy. Through everything, he just sat/laid with me all day. Exactly what I needed.

Friday night after not getting more than one hour of sleep due to having to keep getting up and going into the bathroom, I wasn't sure how Saturday night would go. Initially I kept getting up and going into the bathroom to check to make sure nothing was excessive and finally I feel asleep and woke up at 8:00am, this morning and everything has lessened --as it is supposed to. Thank God. I was honestly fearful that we might have to go to the hospital due to the amount of blood I was losing. I did almost pass out twice --once being the worst where I had to grab the door frame, my body was shaking and I did nearly black out. Scary. I have never experienced something like that in my life. And honestly hope never to again. :(

 

I'm so sad for what we lost, yet at the same time know with my head it wasn't the right time for that baby. It just didn’t make any sense to my heart.
 

July 7, 2009. I went back to work. Able to stand up without being dizzy. Every time I was asked how I was, I cried. I cried watching Brooke Shields speak at Michael Jackson's funeral, and sobbed when his daughter spoke. Seems like every time I turned around I would cry.
 

Physically, I was better --just weak.
 

Just sad.
 

About 4:30pm, I got an email on my phone....it was the pregnancy one --"Your baby is 11 weeks!" So, I cried some more.
 

I am SO grateful and blessed to have experienced pregnancy having my son while so many women I know don't have children yet or are not able to....and part of me feels so selfish that I am grieving when I HAVE been given the blessing previously. 

I struggled so much the previous year --going back and forth with whether I ever wanted to have any more children --not wanting to bring another child into the extreme drama that is stirred up. But I know with everything in me... that I do want to have a baby with George.

In God's time.

July 9, 2009. We went early this morning for the ultrasound to check to make sure everything was clear after the miscarriage. Given the circumstances of having had a miscarriage, I was really relieved to find out that everything was normal and healthy. The ultrasound technician was really kind -- a different one than last time -- and she asked me if I wanted the monitor to watch before assuming I did.

I didn't-- in the event that everything wasn't clear. She had a gentle voice and said that she herself had had 3 losses--one at 26 weeks, one at 13 weeks and one at 6 weeks. She also said it didn't make it any easier with patients. She was very kind. She offered me Kleenex while my husband held my hand and I cried. He said to the ultrasound tech, “That’s not what we wanted, but given the circumstances of losing the baby, ‘all clear’ is what we’re hoping for, right?”

I said a prayer and I was grateful we found out we were clear and healthy physically to try for a baby when the time is right.

 

We were going out of town for a few days and looking forward to spending time together and with the kids--my son and his daughter. It was hard to tell them and they too were disappointed, but my husband gave a wonderful analogy when talking with them that was about planting flowers ... sometimes the seeds grow into beautiful flowers and sometimes, without knowing why, the seeds don't bloom.

It was perfect for his 5 year old daughter. My son is more direct and literal and he just said, "Mom, I'm sorry your baby died. I hope you don't wait 10 MORE years to have another one."

We didn’t.

On July 24, 2010, we welcomed our daughter into our family.
 

You can contact her at gotonepastgoalie@gmail.com

1 comments:

Angie said...

So beautifully written Steph.

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