Friday, September 17, 2010

Mom to Bumblebee
Lost on June 23rd, 2010 at 7 weeks 6 days
Shawnee, Kansas

My amazing husband has wanted children since before I met him.  It was one of the things I found so attractive about him.  Through out our engagement and first year of marriage, I traveled 80% of the time for work so I was more then shocked when I ended up pregnant.  We were of course over the moon about having a baby and couldn't wait to meet her.  She was born in April of 2005 and completely amazing. 
When our daughter was about 18 months we started discussing the idea of having another child.  We decided not to prevent and see what the future holds.  When we were not pregnant with in 6 months, I took charge and started charting.  Before we knew it months were flying by and we realized this was not going to be as easy the second time around.  The week I was supposed to meet with my OB and start clomid, I wound up in the hospital with pneumonia for a week.  When I was released, I was ready to get back on track and trying.  We gave the clomid 3 trys and after feeling crazy from the hormones decided to take a break.  The doctor recommended and HSG to rule things out.  For me this was VERY invasive and not a step I was ready to take. 

We kept trying on our own for the rest of the year and when we still weren't pregnant 2 years after we started trying, I gave in.  A dear friend drove me to the hospital where I had my HSG.  Everything looked perfect and the next step was to move on to an RE.
We did our research and talked with our counselor (we have had one since before we got married and LOVE her).  We decided to discuss how far we were willing to go and what the line was for enough.  We both agreed that financially we would not go down the IVF path as we have our daughter.  We didn't want to do something that put our family in a bad finacnial situation.  With that we met with the RE.  He stated that our chances of conceiving through IUI after 3 rounds declines.  So, that was our answer, 3 trys.  The first try we did with fermera and monitoring.  The second round we did with femera and gonal-f.  The third round they gave me the strongest meds they could. When we went in for our ultrasound to time the IUI - the eggs just weren't the right size for optimal results.  They were strong enough to give it a try but we knew in our hearts that God was telling us this is not the right time.  So, in August 2009 I took my last pregnancy test.  It was of course, negative.  While devastated it felt freeing to put this chapter behind us.  We were a family of 3 and that was enough. 
While it hurt to move on, it nice not living my life in two week intervals.  We started making plans for the future that we had been putting on hold for so long.  We took a family trip that we wanted and hadn't because 'what if I am pregnant?'.  So, to my shock my world came to a halt on May 25, 2010 when I ate my favorite dip at work and it repulsed me!  I went to the computer to see when my period was due and I was 4 days late.  WHAT??  I ran to the store, got a test, came back to work and yes took it right there in the stall at work.  When the positive sign came up, I felt the blood rush out of me!  I took the test to a good friend at work to ask her what it said.  I knew what it said but after 3 years of negative tests you don't know what to do when it is positive!!  I rushed over to hubby at lunch and showed him the positive test and cried on his shoulder.  He was so excited. 
At 5w6d I had some uncomfortable pressure so we went into the doctor's office for an ultrasound to make sure everything was ok.  She dated me at 4w1d. Hmmm something about that didn't feel right.  I think at that moment I knew... this was not going to end the way I wanted.  They told us to come back in 40 days.   Well, 10 days later I had some light spotting and they wanted to do another ultrasound.  Based on the new EDD I should have been 5w4d and they had me at 5w.  We did not see a fetal pole like I wanted and of course no HB.  The doctor drew my blood and told me she would call me the next day with the results.  My HCG was at 32,000, at that level she explained they should be able to see a baby and what we had was a blighted ovum.  I crumbled.

We came back in a few days later and she gave me medicine to induce the miscarriage.  I was so angry, I didn't understand why after I had moved on this would happen.  I know I will never have any answers and not sure I will be happy with that but what choice do I have?  I have picked up the pieces and moved on for my daughter but will never forget my little one that should be in my belly still.
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