Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Katharine

Mom to Hannah Elizabeth, said goodbye on January 26, 2010 

and Audrey Elise, said goodbye on August 19, 2010

Shreveport, LA

I've wanted to be nothing more than a mother for as long as I can remember. When I met my husband that excitement became even more real. Brian and I were excited to start a family but before we were married we'd always said we'd wait a full year before we started trying. Soon enough that was bumped up to December (at the 6 month mark) and then in the end we couldn't even wait until then! So October it was!

On December 7th I started noticing some strange symptoms but pretty much passed them off as nothing. I decided I would take a test in a couple of days just in case. So December 9th rolled around and I took a test. It came back negative. I must say I wasn't surprised at all. But the next day I decided I just had to test one more time...just in case. And I see the faintest of all faint lines on my pregnancy test! I decided to go buy a digital test where I would know for sure if I was crazy or not! I ran to Wal-Mart grabbed some juice to down on the way home and one test. As soon as I walked in the door I took it! I waited for what felt like an eternity and then to my complete and total shock and surprise it came back with "YES+". Oh my GOD!!! You could have heard me scream down the street. I was running around the house screaming and jumping up and down, hugging the dog, scaring the poor cats...just acting like a complete fool! It was wonderful! I could not believe how blessed we were to be so lucky, truly a gift from God. I shared the news with Brian a couple hours later over a game of Scrabble by spelling out "IAMPREGNANT" on the board. He was over the moon! It was one of the best moments of our lives.

We had our first ultrasound and check up on December 22, 2009. We were only 5 weeks and 3 days along. Even though we weren't able to see a heartbeat the doctor said everything looked great considering how far along we were. But I couldn't shake the feeling that something was not right and asked that she let us come back in 2 weeks rather than the standard 4.

The next two weeks went on without anything too eventful. I was only having occasional bouts of nausea and it was pretty mild. I had the sorest boobs anyone could ever imagine that only seemed to get worse with each passing day. I was peeing like a madwoman too. I had every reason to assume that I was carrying a healthy baby and that things were progressing normally. So then comes January 5, 2010, I was 7 weeks 3 days. It is the day of my second ultrasound and about 30 minutes beforehand I suddenly got really nervous. I remember stopping before I walked out the door of my house to go to the doctor and I said a short prayer, "God please let my baby be healthy. Please let me see a healthy heartbeat. And if I can't then please get me through this." I suppose I somehow knew something that I hadn't known up until that moment but of course even then I was doing my best to push that feeling aside.

When we started the u/s my first thought was, "Oh thank you God, I can see the baby this time." But then quickly I realized the baby was too small. Time was standing still. The tech was clicking and measuring and scanning left and scanning right and making colors appear all over the screen and doing all of this at 90 miles an hour. I kept looking for the heartbeat, knowing I should be able to see the flickering little heart beating with all its might but I couldn't see it. I momentarily convinced myself that I did not know what I was looking for and I should just relax and wait for her to finish so she could show me all the good things. Instead she finally spoke and said," I'm sorry. I can't find a heartbeat. The baby is only measuring 6 weeks and 1 day and we should definitely see a heartbeat by now." My response was "But I'm 7 weeks...almost 8 weeks." I was trying to make sense of it thinking that she must be all wrong, way off even because after all I was almost 8 weeks now not barely 6 weeks. She must not know what she is doing. Of course those thoughts barely lasted a second. I heard my own words and realized that it just made the news worse. My baby died a week and a half ago. So on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 after carrying my sweet baby for 10w3d, I was scheduled for a D&C. I was so heartbroken.

Fast forward to June of 2010. Brian and I had been trying again for our 2nd month. We had a really good feeling about this month but tried not to get our hopes up. Then on June 29, 2010, I took a pregnancy test. I literally did not get out of the bathroom before I saw that we had two lines. I weakly called out to my husband. It was this strange mixture of fear and hope. I came out with the stick in my hand. I couldn't look at it. I just knew I'd imagined the line. I set it down in front of us and we both stared in silence. Finally Brian started laughing and I was crying. It felt like we'd finally made our way out of this nightmare. We were going to be okay.

We had our first appointment on July 21, 2010. I was 6 weeks and 4 days. We were so nervous but the day turned out perfect. Our sweet baby was measuring right on track with a healthy heart beating at 122 bpm. We were ecstatic! Our amazing doctor let us come back in at just 7w6d just to help ease our fears. We were again so amazed to see that we still had this healthy baby now with a heart beat of 169. We truly thought that our nightmare was behind us. It would not happen twice.

My next appointment was set for August 20, 2010. I was supposed to be 10w6d. We never made it to that appointment. Instead on Tuesday, August 17th I started bleeding. I was devastated but truly thought there was just no way it was happening again. We sped to the doctor's office and immediately had an ultrasound. It was clear as can be, our sweet baby no longer had a heartbeat. I was 10weeks and 3 days. Two days later we said goodbye to our second sweet child as I was wheeled in for another D&C.

Brian and I are struggling to make sense of this all. The heartache is still so fresh but we are trying desperately to find the good in this and digging for all the strength we can muster so that one day we'll be ready to try again.

Katharine blogs at http://growbabysmithgrow.blogspot.com

You can contact her at Laurakat1981@gmail.com