Friday, September 17, 2010

Mom to Aiden
Went to heaven March 25, 2010 at 7 weeks 1 day gestation
Oceanside, CA

I don’t have a long story. I didn’t even know that I was pregnant till I was close to 2 months, and even then I only knew about my baby for a few days. But those few days were the happiest that I had been. I was so excited, as was my husband Daniel. We called our families after we had gotten the “yes” from the Dr saying that my blood work came back positive. They were so excited for us.

 March 25, 2010 was the day my world was turned upside down. I have never known such heartache before. I had a bad bout of cramps the evening before but they quickly went away so I didn’t worry about it but at the same time right then I knew in my heart something was wrong. That morning I woke up went to the bathroom and saw a small amount of blood. I immediately called Daniel who came home and took me to the Dr. I waited in the damn hell hole of a waiting room surrounded by all the happy pregnant women showing off their u/s pictures and complaining about their morning sickness and swollen ankles for almost 2 hours waiting for a Dr to see me. All the while my bleeding and cramping was becoming more and more intense and I knew that there was no hope in my baby making it. I held Daniels hand and prayed the whole time, and just tried to keep my eyes on the floor and block everything out. Oh and I cried, I tried to choke back the tears but I just couldn’t. They finally called me back into the room and me strip down and get up onto the table with those damn stirrups, at which point the blood was gushing out of me and making a mess on the table and floor. 

The Dr came in asked me a few questions then did a pelvic ultrasound, and told me “I’m not seeing anything. Yes you’re having a miscarriage.” It was like my world stopped spinning. Everything went fuzzy for a few moments and I couldn’t speak. I just started crying hysterically. You want to know what the Dr said then. He looked at me and said, “Well did you even want it?” My jaw hit the floor and I started crying even harder, I couldn’t believe that he had just said that to me! All I could think to stammer out was “Yes of course we did!” He left the room and Daniel and I saw there for a few moments alone trying to deal with the news. He didn’t say anything or cry right then but I knew that he was upset.
The Dr came back in and told me that he wanted me to go get more labs done and in a week or so after I had stopped bleeding to go back to make sure that me levels were all back to 0. He didn’t even say sorry. Nothing.
After he left again I got up and tried to clean myself up but I just didn’t feel like I could function right then. Daniel and I left, and I got to walk back through the hell of a waiting room with all the happy mothers and their big bellies and beautiful ultra sound pictures. Daniel put his arms around me. I kept my eyes on the ground and watched each tear drop hit soak my shirt.
When we got in the car I really lost it. I told Daniel how sorry I was that I had lost our baby and that I had prayed so hard to God to keep him/her safe. He took my hand, looked at me with tears in his eyes and told it wasn’t my fault. The drive home was silent except for my crying.
When we got home I just curled up on the couch and cried some more. Daniel had to call the family and tell them what we had just found out. I was too much of a wreck to do it. I don’t think that I got off the couch to do anything that day. Daniel had to carry me upstairs to bed because the cramps I was having were so bad. The next morning, March 26, I was able to get up and go down stairs on my own and once I got there I was curled up in a ball on the couch again, crying. I was still having heavy bleeding and cramps but they weren’t bothering me as much. Daniel got home from work early and just held me in his arms.  We had both turned our phones off and put the computer away. I didn’t want to be bothered by other people trying to wish me well I just wanted to wallow in my self-pity and have time to grieve on my own with my husband.

Almost six months ago I lost my first baby. I will never get him back. Almost six months ago I was reminded of how heartless and cold some people can be. Almost six months ago I realized how badly I want to be a mother, and almost six months ago was the day I decided that I wouldn’t give up till that dream became a reality.
Healing is a journey that is never truly done. I have good days and I have bad days. As time goes by and my due date gets closer and closer my days become worse. I would be just over 32 weeks pregnant now; my baby should have been born around November 10, 2010. We would have had our first Thanksgiving, our first Christmas, first picture with Santa, etc. All the first that I will never get to have with my first baby. I am still mad about it. It’s not fair and it never will be. God how my heart longs for that baby to still be with me, to have been able to watch my belly grow and feel and the kicks. To have been planning out nursery theme and making a birth plan, I'll never get that back for that baby.

As part of our grieving process we chose a gender and named our baby. We named him Aiden, our little fire that burnt out to fast, but will always burn in our heart.

And that’s my story.

Elizabeth blogs at 
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