Thursday, September 23, 2010

Four First Trimester Miscarriages
Scottsdale, AZ

I got my first positive pregnancy test in January of 2009, two days after my birthday. My husband and I were not trying to get pregnant, but not being overly diligent about preventing it either. I was 26 and he was 29, and we were planning to wait another year or two to start trying, but when the test came back positive, we were happy and relieved to not be going through the fertility problems a couple people we know were going through. I lost that pregnancy at 7 weeks, in February. I was willing to chalk it up to paying my statistical dues.
I got pregnant again in July, and that pregnancy was almost over before it began. I lost it at 5 weeks. I had the recurrent pregnancy loss testing done. The bloodwork came back normal. With, that, I was willing to chalk it up to bad luck twice in a row.
I got pregnant again in September. That pregnancy lasted until 8 weeks and I miscarried in October. I had an HSG done, which also came back normal. I got a referral to an RE, not expecting him to find anything wrong and still hoping it was just three rounds of really, really bad luck. But he did find out what was wrong. Premature ovarian failure. Even though I get pregnant easily, I can expect the miscarriage rate of a woman in her 40s. He recommended IVF in order to get as many eggs as possible and hope a couple of them are good.
We decided to give it one last shot before resorting to IVF. I consulted a naturopath, and for 4.5 months I drank no caffeine, no alcohol, ate no wheat or dairy or sugar, did acupuncture once a week, took vitex and dong quai and B supplements and wheat grass, did yoga, tried to add more "relaxation" to my routine. Got pregnant again in May. Found out at the 7 week viability ultrasound that that one was gone too. I waited three weeks to miscarry naturally. It didn't happen, so I took misoprostol to induce the miscarriage.

I don't know what happens from here. I don't know if I'll ever carry a pregnancy to term. I certainly feel like I never will. My four losses and uncertainty about the future weigh on me every day. I can't get excited about a positive pregnancy test anymore. Future pregnancies will be plagued with worry instead of joy and anticipation. I am the face of recurrent loss, and dread and anxiety are the feelings I associate with being pregnant.
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Anonymous said...

First of all I want to say that I am sorry for your losses, Colleen. I did read the 1st page of your blog and I can totally identify with all that you have to say. I myself have endured the "if you can't carry the babies to term, perhaps you should just give up" I wanted to tell them that perhaps they should give up breathing but did not. I was and still am so angry about my losses. Angry because no one close to me understands....angry because I failed again....angry because when I see a pregnant woman, I can feel myself giving her dirty looks and wanting to hide somewhere and cry.

I guess I am trying to tell you that you aren't alone. I can't say that I know exactly how you feel but I know how I feel and it's pretty crappy.

Anonymous said...

((Hugs)) You are amazing, and so brave.

Jennifer said...

I love you. Thank you for being my friend, you mean the world to me.

Anonymous said...

I love you, dear Colleen. You are an amazing woman and friend.

-other colleen

Sandra said...

((hugs)) Colleen. You are amazing!


BBH said...

((HUGS))Colleen! <3 you!

MV said...

Much love to you friend. (((hugs)))

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