Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Mom to Sophia Alexis Davies
Stillborn on March 27th, 2008
St. Petersburg, FL

In 2008 my husband Justin and I had been expecting our first baby, a girl that we named Sophia. My whole pregnancy had been semi-tough, I was diagnosed with diabetes 7 months into my pregnancy, had some minor blood pressure issues and low platelets. The new diet and activity schedule I was placed on was difficult to get used to but I managed to stick to it and still enjoy every new thing happening with my body.

Even though I had those issues, everything was still going OK when it came to her health. When we went for our level 2 ultrasound they said her heart was working just fine, all her major organs were developing correctly and she was always right on track except for her weight since the diagnoses of diabetes has been late. Even in the womb she had personality; for instance, she hated ultrasounds! She was always shying away when the Drs wanted to look at her. I remember one incident when I had an ultrasound to look at fluid levels that when the tech tried to look at the flow of her umbilical cord, she reached up, grabbed it and rolled around so they couldn’t see her. Even the tech couldn’t believe her eyes! Our little girl had attitude!!

She was a pretty active baby, kicking and squirming all the time in there, stretching those little legs and arms and she loved to roll. I swear it was her favorite thing to do! Especially when Daddy would come home from work and talk to her, she would roll back and forth for him and looking back I am so happy he was able to share in those special moments with her. So it seemed strange to me when I wasn’t feeling her move as much as normal the evening of the 26th. Granted, she had her moments here and there before where she wouldn’t move for about an hour or so and I would get worried and right when I was about to pick up the phone and call the Dr, she would kick me a couple times and let me know she was just resting. But stupid me, I didn’t call because at my prior appointment my Dr had told me that since she was already measuring full term she would probably move less since she was “running out of room”. So I waited because I had an appointment that morning. Now looking back, I wish I would have just called, why didn’t I? Why did I let my stupid brain talk me out of what I was feeling in my gut?

So I went the next morning and told the lady at the front why I was there an hour earlier than I was supposed to be. They ended up making me wait anyway, then they took me back to the ultrasound machine and looked at her and I held my breath. But the tech said she had a heartbeat, she was breathing but she wasn’t moving so she called the Dr in and she took a look at the photos and then told me to go ahead and head home, get Justin and then head to the hospital because they would more than likely deliver. So I went and grabbed Justin and off we went. We got to the hospital, went right up to the labor and delivery floor and they told us to wait, I remember thinking that it was weird that they were making me wait, and every other time I went right in. But the nurse told me the evaluation room was full and they would call me when there was a spot open. So we sat in the waiting room, my heart pounding the entire time because the bad feeling I had seemed to get a little worse as each moment passed. About 40 minutes later, a nurse called my name and asked me to come on back.

We knew the routine, get undressed, pee in the cup and the nurse would be with you. Justin decided to go get a bite to eat since I had got him out of bed after working his night shift and we came right to the hospital. He left and I waited for the nurse to came in. She tried to find Sophia’s heartbeat with the monitor first, but couldn’t so she went and grabbed the ultrasound machine since both the Dr and I had told her there was a heartbeat at the office. She looked and then said she was going to get someone who knew how to use the machine better. She got a Dr, he introduced himself and looked. He concentrated and then asked me to lay back more. He looked.... then he called another Dr in and by this time I knew something was up so I was trying to look at the screen but the Dr had me lay back further and after a minute he said the words that I have forever ringing in my ears.

“There’s something wrong with the baby, we can’t find a heartbeat.”

I felt my head explode with pressure. I asked him “what??” I started to cry and I asked him if he was sure, I asked him to look again and the next minutes were a blur... I couldn’t understand, she was FINE just an hour prior! I don’t understand still... so they wheeled me into another room and asked me what Justin’s name was so they could page him, I told them and just cried and cried...I couldn’t understand,I couldn’t believe, there was no way! Surely it was a mistake! I remember turning to the wall and just giving into my tears and begging God to let them be wrong. I heard Justin came in and I tried to tell him but I couldn’t speak and so the nurse told him and he asked her if they were sure and he just sat down.

What he did next I dont know, I just remember turning back to my wall… sobbing and trying to believe they were wrong... my baby, my daughter was gone and I didn’t know what to do. Why had this happened? What did I do to deserve this? Was I being punished for the sins of my past? Why me? Why MY daughter?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY!?

The next couple hours were a blur of a horrible phone call to my Mom, the nurses telling my in-laws who had arrived at the hospital shortly after we had gone back to the evaluation room. Family and friends arriving with tears running down their faces; my Dr telling me what the next steps were, but all I could think of was Sophia. Why had she been taken from me? Did she suffer? What happened? Were they SURE? I had to wait 6 hours before they finally walked me to the back to take her via c-section. That was the most awful path I have ever walked in my life.

Sophia Alexis Davies was born at 6:14 in the evening weighing 11 pounds and 7 ounces. Big girl...they cleaned her up and dressed her and brought her to me after I was wheeled out of surgery and placed in recovery. She was absolutely beautiful and even though I cried over her, I marveled at just how beautiful she was, how she looked so much like me with her head full of black hair with blonde highlights (she must have heard the fights over her hair color) and her chubby cheeks and hands that
were identical to mine. She was breathtaking....

We held a viewing service for her a couple days later after I was released from the hospital and everyone important to me showed up. She looked so peaceful but my heart I was crushed. I don’t understand why my beautiful daughter was taken from me. What went wrong? That was all I could ask myself over and over again. I wasn’t supposed to be crying tears of sorrow; I was supposed to be crying tears of joy! Why had God done this to me? I don’t think I will ever have the answers I want.

I used to go in her nursery and I smelled her scent even though she was never in the room, (as crazy as that may sound) I would hang my head and cry over the loss of our beautiful angel, the missed chances, all the “firsts” and the lost dreams we had talked about with her listening in my tummy. I wish so much that I could go back and change the events that have led me to this point, but I cant... so I must get up each day and move forward, one step at a time. Everyone kept telling me “it will get
easier” but I can’t understand how they think that is true. If I have learned anything, it’s that “it” does not get “better”; “it” just gets easier to live with. The heaviness that was placed in my heart the moment I lost her has never left. She is constantly on my mind, she is always in my dreams, I have flashbacks every so often to that morning in the hospital, I remember the sorrow I felt and there are days where all I want to do is just want to lay down and cry until I can’t cry anymore. But in those moments, Sophia angel-whispers in my ear, I can almost hear her say "don't cry Mommy" in her little baby babble. I know my baby wouldn’t have wanted me to watch my life pass by without ever feeling happiness again.

Then exactly one year after her entry into heaven, her Daddy and I found out that we had another baby on the way. He and I can’t ignore the fact that this baby was conceived in her birth month; and believe this was her gift to us. NOT a replacement; a blessing to bring some kind of happiness to our hearts after losing her.

After another tough pregnancy full of anxiety and fear, (we didn’t even set the nursery up till the week before my due date) on November 21st, 2009 we welcomed Benjamin Marley Davies into our loving heavy arms weighing in at 8lbs 2oz! He has been the biggest blessing in our lives but I would be lying if I didn’t say that every day we look up at the beautiful photo we have on the wall of our daughter and wish with heavy hearts that she was here watching her little brother grow up while we watched her grow into the beautiful girl we all know she would have been.

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T said...

So heartbreaking. Thoughts are with you and little Sophia. xoxo

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