Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Emalee

Kenner Jackson

Born too early on November 13th, 2008

Roy, Utah

My life changed almost two years ago. I am not the same person i used to be, BUT really how can I be? I miss the old me, the person who didn’t have a care in the world. The girl who never had to face anything too hard. When I think back to the day it all changed, I think about how scared I was, how excited I was. I was finally going to be a mom! Something that I have been trying to become for over 8 years!

It was July 9, 2008 when I found out! I am not sure why I decided to take the test, I just was like oh I have one so I will take it! I never ever thought it would come out positive. I was surprised! I was Happy! I was scared, this really is finally happening to me! 

I will never forget they day we saw the heart beat! It was AMAZING! It still didn’t feel real, I thought this is not happening to me! I am dreaming! I had my yearly that day too, My mid-wife found something when she was doing it! I had a polyp, she removed it. Small amount of bleeding went with that, BUT it stopped by the end of that day! Shortly after my appointment which was when I was 6 weeks and 5 days along. I started the morning sickness! Oh boy, it didn’t matter what I was going to throw up at least one meal a day! I hated going out to eat because I knew that was going to be the meal I threw up! I had a hard time with meat, any kind of meat especially chicken!

The next appointments went fine, everything was going good. Baby was growing fine, heart beat was strong. I thought up until 14 weeks that we were having a girl! At my 14 week 4 day appointment, that all changed. My mid-wife thought a boy was coming. WHAT A BOY!!! She was not 100 percent sure, but I had to start thinking that just maybe we were having a boy! Start thinking about boy names.  

I started spotting at about 18 weeks. What is happening, why am I spotting? I called the Dr office, I needed to see what they wanted me to do! They had me watch it, I had an appointment in a few days.

18 weeks and 4 days still a bit of spotting. Had my ultra sound and found out for sure it was a boy. He was doing well, everything was progressing great! My mid-wife decided to check me and to see what was going on inside me. I had another polyp! She decided that removing it was not going to be the best thing for me, So she left it. 

At about 20 weeks we went on a trip to Arizona. My nephew was getting baptized. I was still spotting, so I went to have the polyp removed before the trip! It was such a GREAT trip. I remember the day I first felt him move. I had just turned 20 weeks Kyle and I were out to breakfast! I had just finished eating, and then he started kicking and I felt it! It was SO exciting. I wish we had the opportunity to feel him from the outside.

22 weeks was when it all started, when all the things started to fall apart. When my world came to and end, when I became someone different! I became a mom when I was not ready, He was not ready to be born. My body failed me! 

I went into full blown labor at 22 weeks and 4 days. November 13, 2008 our son was born at 5pm, We all got to hold him and love him during his short life. We said our final goodbyes too his life at 7:10pm when he passed on to a different world. We had 2 short hours with him, 2 hours of something bitter sweet! I had 2 hours to be a mom to a living baby. I am now a mom to a dead baby! TO and angel, to someone I will never forget!

I can’t tell you how many times a day I think about my son. Kenner was my world, he is my life. I will forever miss him. I cant tell you how hard the last two years have been. You go through so many emotions in one day!

I know that I am in a much better place then I was a year and a half ago. I can be truly happy, I don’t have to pretend to be ok all the time. I am Ok most days, I still have those days where i am not ok, where I feel like crawling back into bed, and NEVER getting out. BUT I do, I get up  and I get ready for the day. That is all I can do, Just keep on living. Just keep on going.

When Kenner, first passed away people kept telling me it would get easier. I didn’t believe them, BUT it does! Everyday its better. I still have those hard moments, those hard days. I miss my son everyday, I wish I had him here with me, I would give anything to have him here with me. TO be holding him in my arms, to be watching him run around the house playing with his toys. Trying to talk to me, I would give anything for that, for just one moment with him. Smell him again, touch him again. TO look at his beautiful face again. I would give anything for that!!!!

Emalee blogs at http://everythingdaisies.blogspot.com/ 

You can contact her at Mek.is.ntm@gmail.com