Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Becky
Mom to Jillian
Grew wings on April 8th, 2009

I am just not at a point where I can write my story right now, this is Jillian's story taken from my husband's blog after we came home from the hospital.

Jillian was born at 12:44pm, 2lbs 10oz, approx. 10 3/4 inches long. She was 7 1/2 weeks early as we kind of expected. Becky woke at 1:30am on Wednesday the 8th telling me that her water had broke. I rushed her to MTMC to confirm it and then we rushed off to Vanderbilt. On the way there Becky started having contractions. Once we got there they were able to slow them down until we decided how we were going to proceed with the delivery.

Jillian was diagnosed right before Christmas with a form of dwarfism called Osteogenesis Imperfecta, which is a condition in which the bones are less developed and easily broken. Some people can be born with this and live normal lives but sustaining frequent bone breaks, others not so lucky, and there are some that don't survive. Jillian was one of these cases. She was also not expected to make it to full term. There was no method of delivery we were told would make it easier or give her a better chance of survival. In the end Becky chose C-section, against the doctors recommendations. They told us that with there being no chance of survival that she shouldn't risk the dangers to herself. However it was Becky's belief that this was a better method of delivery and it gave her a better peace of mind to know she did what she could, putting all her hope and faith into this choice.

The Doctors put Becky under and I was called into the OR after all the prep work, within minutes the doctor came to me to take me to the baby. I asked him how she was and all he could do was shake his head and tell me he was sorry. They gave her a shot to take away all her pain and so I picked her up and held her. She didn't move until I touched her face a bit, but when I did it caused her to react as if she were gasping. The doctor told me it was more like a reflex but for a brief second I had hope. I tried to show Becky but she was too sedated. The doctors took the baby to the NICU to clean her up. He told me he would have her looking nice so that Becky would not have to see her that way.

They stitched Becky up and took us back to Labor and Delivery. By this time, the sedation was leaving Becky's system. We all surrounded her and tried to support her and each other. They brought the baby in a few minutes later and we took pictures and each of us took turns holding her. It was by far the saddest moment I've ever felt and I pray no other parent has to go through any of it....