Monday, August 2, 2010

Early pregnancy loss on May 11th, 2010
Kingston, WA

We found out in April that we were expecting baby number 2. We got pregnant the first time we “tried” just like we did with Rozlynn, to make things even more exciting we had the same due date, December 21. Roz made her way to us November 25, 2008 but needless to say it was the same EDD.

From the very beginning I kind of felt like there was something wrong. I just didn’t feel right, I hardly had any pregnancy symptoms and I think it was just my 6th sense kicking in.

About 2 -3 weeks after we found and foolishly told several people the spotting began. At first I thought maybe it was because I ran across the parking lot at work. I wasn’t too concerned as I had had 1st trimester bleeding with Roz so we assumed it would be ok. After a few days of spotting and mild cramping I saw my family doctor, who I happened to work with. We were in Alaska at the time and there was no hospital or OB in the area. She did a pelvic exam and drew labs and sent me home to take it easy. I believe that was on a Thursday.

The following Monday I was still spotting and begged for an ultrasound. I knew there was something wrong and wanted confirmation. The problem was the closest place to get one was an airplane ride away in Sitka. I was flown to Sitka and low and behold there was my bean with a little heart beat beating away at 120. I went home the next day and found out my hcg levels only went up 100 points in 2 days. Another bad sign but I still had hope; there was a heartbeat after all.

I had another ultrasound on Thursday as the ultrasound technician was at our clinic for a few days. Baby still looked good, strong heart beat. However I was now starting to bleed and cramp. These few weeks were torture. I always thought a miscarriage would be quick and that you, “Just had them.” I had no idea they can drag out for weeks and weeks. Something just kept telling me in the pit of my stomach that this wasn’t going to end well. I just knew. Everyone around me kept telling me I was over reacting and being paranoid. I don’t know how many times I was told to just stop worrying and just enjoy being pregnant. I think that is around the time I shut down and shut everyone out. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about the baby, if I didn’t talk about it maybe it would be ok……. All the while I still had hope.

Over that weekend slightly spotting mild cramping then Sunday I got sick! I thought I had the stomach flu. I had the worst cramps with diarrhea I have ever had. The cramps continued through the night. I told my husband that it felt like contractions.

I stayed home from work Monday and went in for a third ultrasound on Tuesday. The technician was nice enough to let me see the screen as I worked with her when she was down from Sitka. I saw that the baby had grown so there was a flicker of hope for a few seconds. Then I realized the sac was collapsing and the heartbeat was down to 54. I was crushed. Things like this didn’t happen to me, how could it? To make matters worse I had to walk out of the ultrasound room and face all my coworkers. They were amazing and gave me lots of hugs. My dr. came in and cried with me. At that point we decided that a DNC would be my best option.

I was sent hope to wait for the heartbeat to stop……. That’s when the bleeding really began. I didn’t know you could bleed that much and was starting to get concerned. At 3 that afternoon I went in for another ultrasound which confirmed there was no longer a heartbeat and had another pelvic and the doctor explained that there was a constant stream of blood coming out of my cervix. This posed to be a real problem as I was living on an island with no hospital no access to blood transfusions if needed etc. At that point things are a blur and things moved so quickly. They decided to medevac me to Sitka. I was given ativan and at that point my husband and daughter came back with me to the treatment room area. My mom was out of town at the time so we had no one to watch Roz which meant I had to be medevac’d out and go through a DNC all alone.

I had the procedure and they kept me overnight and was discharged the next morning. It was a horrific experience. When I was discharged the nurse said the shuttle is across the way you can just walk over there. No one wheeled me down in a wheel chair or offered to help me with my bags. To really top off the experience I got sick on the float plane ride home from all the medication.
I took a week off work and on my first day back was HORRIBLE. One of the first things my supervisor approached me with was that I would now begin to take x-rays, which I had no training for. I felt like it was a slap in the face, everyone knows you cannot take x-rays while pregnant, I felt like she was saying “oh good you’re not pregnant anymore so now you can do this.” I obviously over reacted and apologized the next day. I told her "I’m sorry I’m just having a rough time it’s only been a week since I lost the baby." She had the nerve to tell me, “I don’t know why, when in reality it was nothing more than an embryo and you should just get over it.” I knew from that point I would not be able to work there. Who says that to their employee who has just suffered a loss? Not only did she make that comment, she violated my patient privacy by going around me and to my doctor making her explain my work release and then proceeded to tell the doctor that she needed to do something because I was “losing it.” Hmmm….. she’s obviously never suffered a loss.
At that point my husband and I decided it was best to leave Alaska. I need to be somewhere where I can have access to an actual OB and a hospital. Roz was a difficult pregnancy and I would not put myself in a situation where I would have to go through a loss and surgery alone ever again.
That is my early pregnancy loss story. My supervisor really is a perfect example how cold people can be regarding a pregnancy loss. To me you become a mom the moment you find out. I was only 7-8 weeks pregnant but it was still my baby.

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