Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Rebecca
Mom to Lillian Grace
June 27th, 2010-June 27th, 2010
Wichita, KS

My husband & I found out last year that if we wanted a biological child our only option would be IVF. We began treatment in January of this year; our prayers were answered when we got our first BFP in February & we cherished every minute of my pregnancy knowing we may never get to experience this again. Sadly our world was forever changed 3 weeks ago on June 27, 2010 when at 22wks 6 days into my pregnancy I went into premature labor. Here is our daughter Lillian Grace’s birth story which I wrote for my blog the day after her birth…

As I was driving back from a weekend in Kansas City to Wichita I began to feel some lower back pain, it didn’t worry me too much initially because as most of you know back pain is a normal part of pregnancy. I soon started to feel concerned when the back pain began to come & go in waves; I decided to stop at the next rest area, thinking that maybe if I went to the bathroom I would feel better. When I went into the restroom I saw that I had begun to bleed. I can honestly say it was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I was traveling alone, in the middle of no where in Kansas & completely unaware of the nearest hospital. I quickly got back into the car, tried to pull up information on the closest hospital in my GPS & called my husband. Unsure of what to do I got back onto the interstate & began driving towards Emporia, which was about 30 miles away & my closest hope for a hospital. I don’t think I’ve every prayed so hard in my life & thankfully after about 10 minutes into the drive I spotted a Sheriff & Patrol officer in the middle of the interstate. I quickly pulled over to where they were sitting & told them what was happening. They called an ambulance & from there I was transported to Emporia Hospital. I was promptly hooked up to an IV & given oxygen, at this point it was becoming obvious that the back pain I was feeling was indeed my worst nightmare… contractions. En route to that hospital my water broke. At this point I knew that in all likelihood the worst possible case scenario was going to happen & felt the most horrific sense of hopelessness & loss of control I have ever experienced.

Nick was able to make it to Emporia to be with me shortly after my arrival there. After being evaluated at this hospital they quickly determined I needed to be transported to Wesley Medical Center in our hometown of Wichita due to the severe prematurity of the labor. The doctor at that hospital was able to pick up a heartbeat on the baby & started me on antibiotics in the hope they could stop labor. She explained that if I was able to make it to 24 wks (which is considered viability) then they would start me on steroids to try & help baby develop quicker, but if my contractions returned they would not stop them. She also discussed the grim reality that 90% of the time once your membrane ruptures you will deliver within 10 days (most much earlier) & even if we got another week before her birth Lillian’s chances of survival, especially her quality of life would be bleak.

I was then placed into another ambulance & had to endure the 70 minute drive to Wichita. I was blessed to have an incredibly kind & compassionate EMT with me along the way, it was by far the most difficult ride of my life. The contractions began to get worse & all I could do was continue to pray that God let us get to the hospital before the baby was born. By the time we arrived at the hospital my contractions were 2 minutes apart. I remember the nurses asking that someone get a doctor quickly. I recognized the resident that came into the room right away; she was doing a rotation with our RE’s office during our embryo transfer a few months prior. She literally was one of the doctor’s who put Lily into my body & now she would be delivering her out into the world. After about 20 minutes the doctor evaluated me & found that the baby was already in the birth canal & that when I was ready I could deliver her. With an incredible staff of caring people by my side & my amazing husband holding my hand Lillian Grace was born into this world at 6:17pm weighing 1 lb 1/2 oz. Her heart beat for just a few minutes & then as quickly as she came she left us. Giving birth to a baby I knew wouldn’t survive took every ounce of my strength and was the most devastating moment in my life.

There was concern I may need to go into surgery initially as the placenta was taking a little longer to be expelled. Thankfully after about 30 minutes I was able to deliver the placenta. We were given several hours with our little girl to hold her & talk to her. In the most awful moments of our lives we were blessed to meet Erin of Baby Bloom Photography; she is a photographer who works with families in our situation. She did the most beautiful photo shoot with Lillian & us. The nursing staff took Lily’s footprints & made us the most beautiful casting of her feet & hands. We were given a beautiful keepsake box with a few mementos to remember her by.

I cannot properly put into words the amount of compassion we were shown by all of the professionals who treated Lily & myself during the past day. It was a terribly sad situation & each one of the amazing people that came into contact with us at the hospitals & along the way treated us with the utmost kindness. The doctors are unsure of why I went into premature labor at this time; in all likelihood they said that situations like this typically are a result of an infection that we did not know about but a lot of the time the reason is unknown. Please continue to keep us close in prayer, we now embark on a new journey & pray that God continues to grant us the strength to get through what the future holds for us.

Rebecca blogs at The Road Less Traveled
You can contact her at rebecca.keunen@gmail.com