Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

 Melissa

Mommy to Laken Taylor Johnson

Born an angel on April 08, 2010 at 22 weeks

Kentucky

Though a flower may not bloom,

In our heart, we still know,

The beauty of its blossom.

So it is with this tiny someone...

In January of 2010 my husband and I found out we were expecting baby number three! We were excited, but scared. We had not planned for a new baby and had mixed feelings on the timing. Each month we became more and more excited.  After seeing our baby in the first ultrasound we were in love! He/she was active with a heartbeat of 171. I was 11 weeks along and everything was fine. The new baby would be here in August!

Months passed and our baby growing. Although I couldn't shake the feeling that something would go wrong I was happy and excited at the though of having a new baby around. Not to mention our daughter Paige and son Chase being excited about being a big brother and sister. 

On each doctors visit I would ask for an ultrasound just to ease my worries. With my second pregnancy I had complications with gestational diabetes so that was another worry on my mind. Each visit the baby was very active with an excellent heartbeart. The baby was so active the ultrasound tech could never tell us if we were having a boy or girl! 

At 20 weeks my doctor made an appointment for me to see a high risks OB doctor for April 08, 2010 at 10:00 am. On my refferal it mentioned gestational diabetes and proteinuria. It scared me and made me worry, but it also would be the day we would finally find out if we were getting a baby boy or girl.  

As weeks passed we were going through names and we started buying all the cute baby things. I had mixed feelings on which I wanted, boy or girl. I was leaning more towards a boy, but hadn't really decided just as long as he or she were healthy. My husband and son were pro boy and our daughter was pro girl. Either way, this baby would be our tie breaker baby!

On April 6th I woke up with a slight pain in my lower stomach. Not enough to complain about, but it was still there. I just figured it to be ligament pains from the stretching. The next day on April 7th the pains became worse, but still mild. I also was slightly bleeding with discharge. My husband called my doctor and I was told to go on to the hospital to be checked. I walked into the hospital at 5:45 pm. Pains becoming worse. I was told since I was only 22 weeks along and not 24 that I had to be evaluated in the ER and if they felt I should be seen upstairs in OB I would.

Time came and went. They took a urine sample, done blood work and did an ultrasound. During the ultrasound, the ultrasound tech said everything looked fine. She told me the baby's heartbeat was a great 153. She even tried to tell us the sex of the baby, but he/she was just too active as always. I had no idea this would be the last time I would see my baby on sceen and alive.

At 8:41 pm I was released from the ER diagnosed with a UTI (urinary tract infection) and was treated by a shot of penicillin. I was never checked for contractions, I never had my cervix checked for dilation and my OB doctor was never contacted. So, I wasn't ready to panic just yet. Perhaps, it was just something this simple.

By the time I got home we were on our way right back to the hospital. My contractions were minutes apart and I was in so much pain. I was sent straight upstairs to OB, hooked to monitors and checked for dilation. I was dilated one and my cervix was 100% effaced.

The nurses gave me magnesium to try and stop the contractions. My doctor came in and examined me. I had already dilated three and my water had started to break. It was too late and I was induced to speed up labor.

I was in labor for 14 plus hours. My mind was going crazy. I was told my baby wasn't viable. That I wasn't far along enough for it to survive outside the womb. The heartbeat was still strong all through labor. The last time the heartbeat was checked was 6:20 that morning and it was a strong 155. On the day I was suppose to find out if I were having a boy or girl our baby would be born. 

At 12:09 pm our baby entered the world. Delivery went fast and I didn't get that longed for cry, it was silent. They took our baby out of the room to be cleaned up. Finally, I was told she was a girl. We had a little girl! When they brought her back to us. My husband and I cried. We cried for our baby that wouldn't be. All the hopes and dreams shattered.

We named her Laken. A name her daddy picked out. She weighed 12 oz and was 11 inches long. She was so tiny, but so beautiful. She stayed in the room with us all that night. I didn't want the night to end. The next day came and we had to say our goodbyes. We couldn't give her enough kisses. We won't get to watch her grow up. We'll never know what may have been. I have very little items to remember her by. I have a tiny hospital bracelet she never even wore, a set of her tiny footprints and four pictures of her. I would give anything to have those hours back. So many more pictures I would have taken. No more will ever be. No first Christmas, no first birthday, no first days of school, no first anything. We only had 24 hours to make a lifetime of memories.

After months and months of searching for answers, thanks to a fellow BLM (baby loss mama) for her helpful information, we finally found our answers. Laken's early arrival was due to complications with Chorioamnionitis. An inflammation of the fetal membranes (amnion and chorion). In my case, I had severe acute inflammation on the chorion plate. This only affects 2% of pregnancies. As of now there is no prevention or treatment. It can lead to infection in both the mother and baby and, in most cases means the baby must be delievered as soon as possible.

My baby girl is missed everyday! Walking out of that hospital empty handed was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. Waking up everyday and trying to keep it together is a part of my new normal. She will truely be missed for the rest of our lives, for she was a moment in our arms and a lifetime in our hearts. You never truely know what a broken heart is until you endure the pain of losing a child.

Melissa blogs at In Memory of Laken
You can contact Melissa at inmemoryoflaken@hotmail.com