Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Mary

Mommy to an Angel miscarried August 25th, 2006 at 9 weeks;

Noah, stillborn at 21 weeks on November 24th, 2009;

and Faith, stillborn at 20 weeks on June 19th, 2010

Twin Cities, MN

Noah:

Monday, November 23rd, 2009

We went in for our 20-week ultrasound. 20 weeks and 6 days. As soon as I saw the screen, I saw there was no clear image of the baby. I looked at the ultrasound tech, but she was just looking at her screen. I looked back to my screen and couldn't see anything going on--no flicker of a heartbeat. I looked back at the tech again and she stood up and told us she'd go get the doctor. The tears started. I knew.

The doctor came and told us how sorry she was. We cried and cleaned up, then they moved us to the next room where there was a couple of chairs. Told us to take as long as we needed.

We stayed in that room for quite awhile. Didn't want to leave because it meant we'd have to face it. We'd have to start telling people.

We drove home and I went inside and picked up our 5-yr-old, carried him to my bed. Told him there was no baby. Tried to explain it to him best I could. He was sad. He 'knew' it was a little brother, even though we did not know the gender at this point. He really wanted a little brother and didn't understand why this baby that was in my belly could have already gone to heaven.

We cried a lot.

At 6pm, we left for the hospital. Walked up to the nurses station and broke down sobbing. Couldn't even tell them my name. Thankfully, my doctor had called ahead and they were expecting me. They showed me to a room. We just cried. I did not want to be there. I entered a new phase of grief--mad. I didn't want to be there, didn't want to labor. Just wanted to go home. Couldn't even talk to the staff. Couldn't look at our nurse. I just wanted to go home and have this all be a bad dream.

My doctor came in to answer questions, and someone came in from the lab to get blood--they did lots of tests to see if they could figure out why this happened--they all came back fine. no answers. We started induction and were left alone to rest.

Tuesday, November 24^th, 2009

About 3am, the second dose of induction drugs went in. I 'knew' this would be it.

About 3:30am, I was trying to rest but could feel the cyclical cramping start. At 4am I woke Dan and told him it was starting. I could feel light contractions--irregular, but getting uncomfortable. They ranged from about 1 minute apart to 2 minutes apart for quite awhile.

Awhile later, I heard a little pop from inside me--it was not my water though. I felt something drop inside me too, then suddenly the contractions came on strong. I cried--felt scared, but also didn't want this to be happening. I started breathing strong, the contractions were very painful. I felt more dropping and cried as I felt stuff start to gush out.

Finally I felt the baby pass, and Noah Alexander was born at 5:24am. I cried hysterically as this was all happening. Our nurse put Noah on a blanket and gave him to me. Suddenly, I wasn't hysterical anymore. I felt peaceful holding him, even though I was sad. I handed him to Dan so our nurse could check out if I'd passed the placenta. I had not. She told me my doctor would be there any minute to deliver the placenta. I did not want to wait. I pushed as hard as I could and delivered it. Intact. There was no way I was having a D&C.

She cleaned me up some, then left us alone to hold baby Noah.

We named him, and took turns holding him--he was so tiny. He was perfect though. His facial expression was exactly like our 5-yr-old’s used to look as a baby--like he was concentrating hard on sleeping. His nose was just like mine. His little arms were folding up and he had tiny little hands. He looked so peaceful.

My doctor came in and checked us out. Then in the next few hours, our nurse helped us weigh him and measure him. She took little inkprints of his hands and feet for us, and we filled out the little birth card from the hospital.

We spent the morning just holding him. I sang to him. I cried, Dan cried.

Sister Marian came in and did a blessing on Noah. We signed him with some oil. We had her call our church too. Then we saw the grief counselor.

We were discharged from the hospital about 11:30am. It was hard to walk out though with no baby. We were so sad. The walk felt long and I just wanted to get to the car.

Finally we drove home and went inside and snuggled the kids.

We spent the day just being together. Dan and I had to make funeral arrangements. It was nice to have the grandparents there to distract the kids from our sadness.

Saturday morning, November 28, 2009, we buried our little boy Noah. Just Dan & I at the cemetery with Sandy from our church to do the service. We cried a lot. Dan put the little cherub into the ground. We put a tiny white blanket with a cross on it, and a red rose on top. The others left us and Dan & I cried and said an Our Father and talked to Noah, said our goodbyes. We love you Noah.

Faith:

Thursday, June 17^th, 2010

Our 20-week ultrasound. I had been feeling lots of kicking so we were not worried going into the ultrasound. The tech found our little baby’s heartbeat right away – everything looked great. She took her time getting measurements and we found out we were expecting a little girl! We were excited, but at the end of the ultrasound the tech mentioned that my fluid level was a little low so they wanted me to go get fluids either that day or the next day. The hospital had openings right away so I went over to the hospital and relaxed for a couple hours getting a few bags of fluid. We were nervous at this point, but since our baby girl looked good, we never dreamed about where we were headed. I was a little disappointed because I had hoped for an ‘all-clear’ at this ultrasound in hopes of relaxing a bit for the remainder of the pregnancy. Instead I was being sent home on bedrest for the night and they wanted to do a repeat ultrasound in the morning to make sure the fluid levels had gone up. Oh well, I was determined to stay positive.

Friday, June 18^th, 2010

We went in for our repeat ultrasound to check the amniotic fluid levels. The tech put the ultrasound wand on my belly and moved it around for quite awhile. I hadn’t felt any movement since very early that morning when I felt our little girl flip out of breech position. I had been relieved when I felt her flip because it was one less thing to worry about. When I finally turned to look at the tech, she was just looking at me. That was it.

She left us for awhile while we fell apart. This one was just too much. Our doctor came in and talked to us for awhile. We cried a lot, and then told her to call the hospital. We drove home to pack a hospital bag.

We got to the hospital about 2:30pm. I felt like a stone wall and kept saying how much I hate this place. We walked up to the maternity ward in silence. They got us into a room. The nurse was nice but I told her to just move it along – order up the drugs and get us going. Everything was just too familiar.

I changed into the hospital gown and we waited. First dose of induction drugs went in about 4pm. I was feeling back cramps, and the nurse said our baby was very low.

The hospital grievance counselor came in to talk with us for quite awhile. We had seen her with Noah too. We talked with our doctor again and decided to get more testing done this time. Then they left us alone.

I called the kids – just wanted to hear their voices. They were all fine and at home.

At 10pm, I had the second dose of induction drugs. Then I tried to sleep for awhile. Soon the back cramps were too much for sleep. I got up again and changed into my own clothes. I just hated the hospital gown.

Saturday, June 19^th, 2010

Around midnight I decided to get some pain relief so that I could sleep again. I slept a little, and then I could feel the pain getting worse, but I stayed sleeping as long as I could, pretending this wasn’t really happening. Finally it was bad pain, and I sat up and called the nurse about 12:50. I told them this is it.

Then it started getting even worse – I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t like the position I was in, but it was too painful to try and move. I tried pushing, and the nurse checked me and said it was definitely coming. I pushed a lot more, but I couldn’t get into a rhythm with my contractions. I didn’t remember ever having to push this hard with my living children. Finally I was about crowning and I asked our nurse to break the bag of waters. It helped with the pressure, but not with the pain. I had to push harder. At 12:58am, Faith Noelle was born, sharing a birthday with me. She was beautiful, and so warm. I helped wrap her up and held her tight. We had her weighed and measured – she was much bigger than Noah had been.

About 2:15, the chaplain at the hospital came in and did a blessing with us and we all signed Faith with holy oil. We said the Our Father, and signed her blessing certificate.

When they had all left, I sang to Faith. We cried more.

We spent hours just taking pictures, getting her footprints and handprints done, and holding her.

Around 6am, we said goodbye to Faith and took the long walk as we left the hospital empty. We drove straight home. Our parents were there to take care of the kids, and Dan and I slept on and off during the day—felt like we’d been hit by a bus.

On Tuesday morning, June 22, 2010, we buried our precious baby girl Faith at the cemetery. The funeral arrangements were the same as before. Sandy came out and did the service again. We couldn’t stop crying. She read the song we’d done at Noah’s funeral, Visitor From Heaven—this time with Faith’s name. Dan put the cherub in the ground and we put a tiny white blanket with a cross on it, and a red rose on top—just like Noah. We saw Noah’s cherub in the grave as well—they are right next to each other, same grave. The others left and Dan and I said an Our Father, then said goodbye. We love you Faith.