Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Karli
Mom of Liberty Ann
Stillborn on February 13th, 2010
Minnesota

On July 1, 2009 my husband and I learned we were expecting our first child. Of course we had to tell her parents right away because we would be spending the 4^th of July weekend with them and if I didn’t have a glass of wine they would know something was up. Our parents were so excited as were we. On November 2, 2009 we found out we were having a little girl. This was not a surprise to either of us as we both had a feeling we were having a daughter. We will name her Liberty Ann. We spent the next 3 months preparing for the arrival of our daughter. The nursery was equipped with the crib and all. Her clothes were all washed and folded neatly in the dresser. The car seat and stroller were purchased. Diapers and wipes filled the closet.

The doctor was monitoring me more closely around 34 weeks as my blood pressure was getting higher and I had severe swelling. The doctor continued to look for more signs of preeclampisa but there was never enough to diagnosis preeclampisa. On February 4, 2010 I was put on bedrest and started seeing the doctor twice a week. On February 8, 2010, I was hooked up to a nonstress test and according to the doctor our daughter was fine. On the evening of February 10, 2010 I had a strange feeling that something wasn’t right because I couldn’t remember my little Liberty moving or kicking for awhile. My husband was gone for the evening and wouldn’t be returning until midnight. I convinced myself that it was just me being paranoid and that I would talk with the doctor tomorrow. After a horrible nights sleep we made it to our appointment the next day.

On February 11, 2010 I was 36 weeks and 1 day. I went to the clinic where I was hooked up to the nonstress test and 3 different nurses attempted to find our daughter’s heart beat. Our doctor was in a meeting but came up to do a quick ultrasound. As my husband and I looked at the screen and saw that there was no heart beat we knew what we were about to hear was not going to be good news. The doctor proceeded to say “I’m not sure how to say this but there is no heart beat.” My first reaction was anger. I even refused to be taken by a wheel chair down for another ultrasound to confirm that there was indeed no heart beat.

We had to wait an hour before the hospital was going to be ready for us. My husband and I drove around town and cried as I made the phone calls to our parents and other family members. I tried to stay strong as I knew the task that laid before me was going to be the most difficult thing I would ever encounter.

After being admitted to the hospital several vials of blood were taken from me for testing. They started the pitocin drip and inserted the first 50 mg of Cytotec at 4:00 p.m. Every 8 hours they inserted another 50mg Cytotec. This continued until noon on February 12, 2010. At that time the on call doctor stopped all drugs because he had a new plan of action and wanted a fresh start. He was planning to up the dosage of Cytotec but also wanted me to be aware of the dangers of doing this. This drug is not approved by the FDA for inductions and can also cause such strong contractions that your uterus could rupture.

That being said, the doctor incased the Cytotec to 100mg on Saturday February 13, 2010. My water was broke around 10:00 a.m. I took a bath and got cleaned up and my contractions began to get worse. At 1:00 p.m. I was given an epidural as the pain had gotten worse but I was still not dilating. After a short nap and some time to “relax” the doctor finally came back to check me and said “We are going to be delivering this baby.” He went out to tell my family who had been spending the last few days in the waiting room. Within minutes everyone was ready for our daughter to be delivered. After a few short minutes Liberty Ann had arrived at 4:26 p.m. weighing 4 lbs 15 oz. and 17 inches long.

The nurses, one being my husband’s aunt, took Liberty and cleaned her up. They wrapped her in a blanket and handed her to me. My husband and I sat together with our little angel and cried. She had the cutest nose, ears, hands, and feet. She was perfect. After awhile our parents joined us to meet their newest granddaughter, but instead of joy there was sadness. The rest of our families joined to meet their niece. Liberty was then baptized and a photographer came to take photographs of our little angel.

At 8:00 p.m. that same evening I was discharged from the hospital. Leaving the hospital without our daughter was the worst feeling in the world. We had left her behind and it didn’t feel right. We went home and got the most sleep we had in days. Waking up on Valentines Day hoping everything was just a dream did not become reality as I hoped. Instead family started to come over to help plan Liberty’s funeral. Never in my life did I think I would be planning my infant daughter’s funeral.

The funeral took place during one of the biggest blizzards of 2010 on February 15. After this day was complete I felt relieved. Our daughter was now at rest. We have pictures of her around our house and not a day goes by that we don’t mention her name.

We will forever remember and love you Liberty Ann.

After many tests we found out that I am a carrier of an SSA Antibody that can cause complete congenital block in a child if the antibody crosses the placenta during pregnancy. Although the cause of Liberty’s death was never determined this could be one possibility.

You can contact Karli at ksantjer@hotmail.com