Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Jen
Mom to Jonas Brett
Stillborn June 11th, 2010 at 39 weeks
Salt Lake City, UT

I didn't feel Jonas move at 1am in the morning on June 11, 2010 like he normally does, his 3.5 year old brother Jackson didn't move much during the last couple of weeks so figured all was well. I woke up a a few hours later at 4am and just felt like something was wrong. I drank 2 powerades and ate a granola bar so I had some sugary things in my system to make him move. He just wouldn't kick. I kept pushing my stomach trying to get him move and I started to get really worried. I woke up my husband and told him I was going to Labor & Delivery, but I'm sure everything is fine and he could stay home because Jackson was still asleep. The hospital is only a mile away.

I was 100% positive I was just paranoid. I got to Labor and Delivery. They put me in a room and the ultrasound tech came in and said before she began she is not allowed to tell me the results, she said the doctor had to. She began to scan my stomach and I could just feel something was wrong. I told her, please just tell me. She wouldn't look at me, and I told her again, please tell me. She then turned around and I saw tears running down her face. My heart sunk, it was horrible. She said I needed to call my husband. I started to hyperventilate and almost threw up. I just kept praying it was a nightmare and hoping I would wake up. From that moment forward all I could think about was Jackson and how devastated he would be. He has been talking about his baby Jonas coming home soon for months. Jackson even picked his brothers name when we found out it was a boy at my 18 week ultrasound. All I kept thinking was how am I going to explain his brother is dead.

My husband came immediately. I told the doctors I wanted a c-section and they said that would put my life at risk. So now I had to endure full blown labor, which seemed unbearable because my labor with Jackson was terrible. But labor was actually very, very easy. They said since I have already had a child everything has been stretched down there and it wold be easier. I didn't believe them, but I think I only pushed for 8 minutes and it was not too bad. My husband had not cried at all up until this point. But as soon as Jonas came out my husband hit the floor crying. Josh held him for about 20 minutes sobbing.

Jonas looked and felt alive when he came out. He was warm and almost seemed to move, we were just waiting for him to cry like babies are suppose to. It was so hard seeing how much he looked like Jackson. Everything looked like Jack, the only difference was the adorable pitch black hair.

The doctors have ran tests on me and Jonas and have found nothing wrong. Everything seemed perfect. It feels like my whole world has shattered. To this day when I close my eyes or stop thinking about a task I am working on, my mind immediately goes to the moment I saw sweet Jonas come out of me. There is nothing worse in this world than seeing a child that has died. The only way I keep going everyday is my faith in our Savior Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father. I know I will see our sweet Jonas again. I also find it so comforting to know all our Angel Babies are together.

Jen blogs at jcubedplus.blogspot.com
You can contact her at jen.salisbury@gmail.com