Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Danae
Mom of Bailey Danae
Born at 23 weeks on April 30th, 2010
Newcastle, OK

We have been trying to start a family since August 2006. We have been going through infertility treatments with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) since July 2007. We had an early loss at 5 1/2 weeks in January 2008 and another early loss at 6-7 weeks in July 2008. We discovered a rather large septum on my uterus which I had surgery to correct in September 2008. We found out we were pregnant again, for the first time since my surgery, on December 17, 2009.

With this pregnancy, I worried a LOT in the beginning. We were at my RE's office every week from weeks 6-10. At 9 weeks, I had unexplained bleeding and was put on bed rest for 2 days. But, once we were out of the first trimester, I started to calm down a little. I felt much better once we made it through our 19 week anatomy scan, and found out we were having a girl! I finally was able to start enjoying my pregnancy.

But, on April 30, 2010, my world came crashing down...

On April 30, 2010 @ 12:30 a.m., I woke up with cramps. I honestly thought I was having gas. After passing some gas with no relief, I woke Adam @ 1:00 a.m., and told him I was cramping. He immediately got up because we were going to go the ER. Before we left, I decided to go the bathroom. At that point, I saw that I was bleeding. My heart sank and stomach fell. I knew 2nd trimester bleeding was not good.

The hospital is about 30 minutes away...we made it in 20. On the way to the hospital, I figured out that the cramps I was having were actually contractions. They were coming about 5 minutes apart.

When we arrived at the hospital and checked in, we were immediately rushed to Labor & Delivery. The nurses got me in a bed and checked me. They found I was already dilated, but didn't know how far, so they called the on-call Dr. who is part of my Dr.'s medical group. Dr. Waterman was there shortly after 2. She checked me, and found I was completely dilated and my water bag was bulging. They had already tipped me head-down, feet up so my water bag would stay in. At this point, Dr. Waterman told us that we would have to deliver, she just didn't know if we could do a vaginal delivery or if we would have to do a c-section. After doing an ultrasound, they found Bailey to be transverse (side-to-side) so an emergency c-section was all we could do. They asked me how aggressive we wanted to be, because Bailey's chances of survival were only 5-10 percent. I told them whatever it took.

By 3:00, we were in the operating room, and getting prepared to go. I had a spinal block done, and Adam came in, and was with me, and our precious baby girl Bailey Danae was born at 3:33 a.m. on April 30, 2010. She weighed 1 pound 4.8 ounces and was 12 inches long. Adam could see her, and he could see the monitors, and he told me she was breathing, so we had some hope. While they finished up with me, they took Adam back to the room where I would be staying. I was done with my c-section around 4:15 a.m. They took me to my room. When I reached my room, Adam was there, but shortly after, he was gone. A nurse had come to get him to take him to the NICU.

At the NICU, the Dr. tending to Bailey told Adam she wasn't responding to any medication or any assistance they were giving her. Adam had to make the decision to take her off of the ventilator, and since it wasn't helping, he did. I imagine this will probably be the hardest decision he will ever have had to make. After taking Bailey off of the ventilator, she was gone. She left this earth to become an angel at 4:27 a.m. on April 30, 2010. She was with us for almost an hour.

Adam had to come and tell me (and our parents) the most devastating news I have ever heard in my life. My daughter, my first born, my pride and joy, and a piece of my heart, was gone. I was absolutely crushed.

The NICU team prepared Bailey, and brought her into my room around 5:30 a.m. We got to hold her, take pictures of her, and be with her. She was the most beautiful baby in the entire world. She was tiny, precious, and beautiful, and she is ours. She had my lips, and her daddy's nose.

The NICU team also took pictures of Bailey and gave us some of the prints, and a CD with copies on them. They also gave us a memory box that includes the clothes, hat, and blanket she wore, her bed signage, her footprints, and her teddy bear.

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep also sent a photographer to take pictures of Bailey on Saturday, May 1, 2010. She did a beautiful job on them, and I will cherish them forever.

Services for Bailey were on May 4, 2010. She is forever laid to rest at the foot of my grandmother's grave.

I will never forget this day. Some of the details may become fuzzy, but I will never forget what it feels like to love someone more than life itself. I will never forget what it feels like to know my baby died. I will never forget leaving the hospital with only a memory box, and flowers from friends and family, feeling absolutely ashamed.

Now, 2 1/2 months after Bailey's birth and death, we are trying again. We have hope that someday we will have the "take-home" baby we so want. We know my body failed her, either due to pre-term labor that couldn't be stopped, or an incompetent cervix. We are taking the precautions for both in future pregnancies.

Although it is under horrible circumstances that we have "met", I am thankful each and every day for my babyloss sisters. We are not alone.

Danae blogs at Our Journey to Bailey and Beyond
You can contact her at danae.southerland@gmail.com