Sunday, July 25, 2010

Pregnant from September 25th-October 14th, 2008
St. Louis, MO

After many months of trying for our first child we found out on September 25, 2008 that I was finally pregnant. I was so excited. We are high school sweethearts and had been married over six years. It was finally time. We told everyone. After all what did we have to worry about? We were both young (29), healthy, and no one in our families had any problems previously with pregnancies.

Right about the fifth/six week mark I felt pregnant. My boobs hurt, I was having food aversions, I was crabby, tired, and peeing all the time. I thought these were all good signs and I was very happy.

On Saturday, October 11th I started spotting. Trying to calm my fears I called the doctor on call. She coldly informed me that if I was only six weeks and having a miscarriage there was nothing they could do. If it got worse or I felt worse I could go to the ER, otherwise just call the office on Monday. I went out that evening with friends who tried to comfort me with their own stories of spotting and rough pregnancies. I knew in my heart that something was not right.

On Monday, October 13th I called the doctor's office as soon as they opened. I went in immediately for an ultrasound. I was alone. My husband had a meeting at work that he could not miss. I figured I was just being over dramatic and that I would see the baby and everything would be fine. I went into the cold ultrasound room covered with pictures of previous babies. Twins, triplets, 3-D babies, all over the place and in my face.

Within two minutes the ultrasound woman confirmed that there was no baby in my uterus. In fact she could not find much of anything other than a huge cyst on my left ovary. I covered my face as I could not bear to look at the pictures of my empty womb. She told me that I was probably already miscarrying and that was why nothing was showing up on the screen. I got blood work taken to see if it was a rh incompatibility problem. I had to walk out into a waiting room full of happy, healthy, pregnant women with tears streaming down my face.

The next day, October 14th, I was still not having much bleeding, or cramping. I kept waiting for something to happen. About halfway through the day I had incredible pain in my stomach and ended up in a fetal position on the floor of our bathroom. My mom drove me to the ER. I knew something was not right because I kept hearing my doctor's name being paged over the intercom. It turned out that it was not a cyst on my ovary, but rather my left fallopian tube blown up by an ectopic pregnancy. I underwent surgery immediately as there was already some internal bleeding.

Wednesday, October 15th, I woke up and found out that my right fallopian tube was useless due to severe scarring from a ruptured appendix fifteen years prior. My left tube was left in by my ob-gyn in order to try and save something so I could still try to get pregnant on my own.

On November 5th I found out that my HCG levels were not decreasing as rapidly as my ob-gyn would have liked. It seems he did not get all of the tissue in my tube and it was still growing. I ended that day with a shot of Methotrexate to try and kill off the growing tissue. Two second opinions and three weeks later I ended up being admitted to the hospital with an infection in both tubes that was compromising the function of my right kidney. I ended up having surgery again to remove both tubes.

A year and a half later we are still without our first child. Two IVF's produced no embryos/no eggs. We moved to adoption and were scammed by our first match. Our second match ended on June 27th, 2010 when the birth father changed his mind a day before signing the papers. Two days after we had met the baby and bonded with her. We went home empty handed again on June 28th.

I cannot tell you how much it means to me to be able to share my story. Most people don't consider my ectopic to be a "real loss," but I lost everything that day. My fertility, my chances to get pregnant on my own, everything fell apart that day. Nothing will ever be the same and has not been the same since. In my heart I have had 5 losses. Some may have not been true baby losses (failed IVF, failed adoption), but just the idea/the prospect of a possible baby are all losses that have left deep scars on my heart.

Courtney blogs at
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Shandrea said...

sending you love. A loss is a loss no matter how early. It still hurts.

Brittanie said...

Having plans for your future ripped from you, no matter how it happens, hurts more than words can say. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

Of course your loss is real! Just like any of the other women on here you have every right to grieve. I'm sorry this happened to you :[

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