Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Claire and Lee
Parents to Jessica Robin Syzdelko
Stillborn on June 17th, 2005

I got pregnant the first time we tried with Jessica. I had four older children, one boy and three girls, and thought we'd try once more for another boy.

I'd had four fantastic problem free pregnancies and thought that her pregnancy would be the same. Everything was going perfect. I went for my anatomy scan at 23 weeks. She was great at the scan even though we didn't know she was a she. Her legs were well and truly closed tight. Her heartbeat was beating away and we left the scan room on a real high not knowing her sex and thinking, wow my first pregnancy where I won't find out till the birth. I wasn't too disappointed at not finding out. To be honest, I was rather excited.

She was a real wriggler and kicked me so hard. I loved it. 5 days after my scan I woke up and I didn't feel right. I couldn't put my finger on it. As the day went on I felt very little movement from her, then the night before I had what I can only explain now as a struggle from her. That was the last I felt from her. I wish I would have gone to the hospital. I knew in my heart something was wrong. The next morning I tried to get her moving. I did all the things the midwife tells you to do: lie down on your left side, have a cold drink, eat something sugary. I nudged and prodded my belly. Nothing worked.

I had to get the three older kids to school before I could go see the midwife. When I got in the little room and the midwife was trying for 10 minutes with the doppler to find her heartbeat, my heart was breaking. I just lay there holding the hand of my youngest daughter who was 15 months old. I had to hold it together so I didn't scare her. I knew then that she was gone. The midwife rang the hospital and told them I was coming up for a scan to see if she was lying funny and if that was the reason they couldn't trace her heartbeat. I ran outside and rang Lee who was at work to take me up to the hospital.

At the hospital we were taken to the scan room. I laid on the bed and Lee sat in the chair at the side where he could see the screen. I couldn't see it, but as soon as he looked at the screen he knew. I could see it in his face, he gripped my hand and what felt like hours was only 5 minutes... the words came ''I'm so sorry, but your baby has no heartbeat."

I was given a tablet and sent home for two days so that the placenta and my body stopped my body thinking it was still pregnant. I can't really remember those two days. I was too traumatized! On the morning of June 17th I went to hospital to be induced.

17th June I gave birth to Jessica Robin Szydelko at 24 weeks gestation weighing 1lb 6oz, after a one hour labour.

Jessica stayed with us until it was time to leave. We held her, we kissed her, we took many photos of her, We shared her with our family. I looked at Jessica. I felt so much sadness. All my dreams for my beautiful little girl gone. I was never going to see her cry, see her smile, watch her play with her daddy, stare at her in my arms as she slept.

To have had a daughter die and be so young I have no chance to even see her alive. Losing my perfectly healthy daughter at 24 weeks was, and is, so incredibly traumatic. It’s hard to even find the words to express what I went through emotionally and physically.

Time to go. I was scared to leave her alone. I was scared beyond belief to walk out of the hospital with my arms empty. Having to leave the hospital without my daughter was the hardest thing I will ever have to do in my whole life! We stood and cried, held each other to watch our baby go! Leaving her, leaving the hospital alone.

I spent the following days as the funeral approached in a daze. I felt as if I was moving in slow motion. I was surrounded by family and friends, but I felt such emptiness and so alone with my pain and hurt. Everyone I felt was getting on with life. I was in a world of my own and the pain was and is raw. I want my baby, I want my daughter back. My arms ached, and still do, to hold her and my heart aches to love her.

No parent should have to bury their own child. I have never felt so much pain, to watch my partner, Jessica’s daddy, carry the coffin in which our perfect baby lay and to watch as he laid her to rest. The tears in his eyes, the pain that we both feel as we visit our daughter with flowers, as we remember her our hearts are broken for all eternity.

I have come so far since 17th June 2005 although it has been very hard and a long road. The months following her death I 've cried in the darkness of my depression and the anxiousness triggers a whole new wave of heartache. The depth of my grief is tremendous.